Don't Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

I’m 14 years old and

I know you said you like me and

You said you thought I was pretty but

This feels really ugly

Don’t Touch Me

I’m not ready to lose

My virginity in the most

Violent and Unromantic way possible

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

The voice inside screams

The words I scream out loud in

Pain and violation but

My cries go unheard and

My life is changed forever

Rape protested, development arrested, my pre-determined fate is off course

Don’t Touch Me

I’m 18 years old and

I know I said I was ready

I know you said you loved me

But this doesn’t FEEL LIKE LOVE

Don’t Touch Me

I’m damaged already

Please don’t add to my

Existing Insurmountable Pain

You are too beautiful

To be a monster so please

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

The voice inside screams from my soul

To his ears and goes unheard and

My life is changed forever

Not even determination would stop the violation

Rape not escaped, monsters recognized to late, again is my again

Don’t Touch Me

I am 27 years old and

I am grown, I have been down this road before

I refuse to go down again on my knees and beg

Even when you drug me

Don’t Touch Me

I don’t know you

I don’t know where I am

I tried drinking the pain away

Only to end up in pain again pleading

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

The voice inside pleads

Not with an unreasonable monster

But with God, pleading that this isn’t happening again

Then it does and my life is changed forever

This is what my forever looks like:

Half the population of the world scares me to death

I don’t trust myself to recognize men from monsters

For a very long time if I did let a man get close to me, kiss me, put his hands on me…I would throw up after and take a scolding hot shower just to feel clean again.

I have survived gang rape

I have survived rape by a boyfriend

I have survived rape by a stranger that drugged me

I have faced a total of 7 monsters and survived but I still fear that 8th monster that I believe is just around the corner.

I don’t trust me so I never really let them in; I make clear with every word I choose that I choose to keep my distance.

I am biologically a normal woman with a sex drive who feels attraction and arousal toward men.

But I would rather not examine or explore those feelings because my mind keeps screaming

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

I have had sex many times of my own free will and I have experienced moments of pleasure but mostly I HATE IT EVERY TIME.

I have slept with men I don’t care about

I have slept with men I do care about but

That inevitable moment comes when my body shuts down,

My mind takes over and the bad thought creeps in screaming as if it’s happening again

Right then right there like black magic man turns into monster before my eyes

As if I summoned my demons through penetration because my pores begin to scream

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

Because when I was 14 years old, 18 years old and 27 years old my life changed forever, my reality became,

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

Don’t Touch Me

Today this is what my forever looks like, feels like, smells like, tastes like.

I hope for a different forever tomorrow one where monsters aren’t let out so I can let love in.

OLD

August 18, 2016

#OnikaDainty #Poetry #Writing #DoNotTouchMe #MentalHealth #SexualAssault #MyLife #MyTruth #DaintyDysh #ThatDysh