My Body, My Business [Blog]
Updated: Apr 21, 2018
Recently an ex-lover sent me a private message on Snap Chat commenting on my body. He said it looked “like you’ve been eating,” and followed the comment up with various food emojis. I was in the middle of a taping when I got the messages and my reaction was so visceral I had to stop. My co-host, JR, asked me what happened and I was at a total loss for words. I wasn’t just mad at the comment I was upset that someone I thought cared about me could say something so cruel.
Though my ex-lover and I hadn’t seen each other in years we would talk from time to time but I was always afraid to use video conferencing so he could see me. The Onika he remembered was a size small. The Onika I am today is 185.6 pounds. I realized I had avoided his gaze for so long because I was afraid of how he would see the current me.
Because of the medication I have to take for my Bipolar my weight has been a challenge over the last 10 years. I have gone up and down like a yo-yo. During my last episode in the Fall of 2016 I gained 50 pounds and I have yet to take it off. As I get older I find it even more difficult to shed the pounds.
I will admit I don’t exercise as much as I could, I don’t always eat right but overall I am a healthy person and though I call myself fat sometimes, which I shouldn’t, I’m actually not fat at all. I’m exactly the size I’m supposed to be on this day in history. I am working on myself in all avenues every day and losing weight is a part of that journey. I’m not doing it for my ex-lover, I’m not doing it to conform to societal standards, I am going on a weight loss journey because I want to be a healthy and sustainable weight and I think that we could all strive for that. I haven’t done any extreme diets or crazy workouts, I’m just making sure the time I put into my body through healthier eating and daily exercise is valuable and consistent.
I refuse to rush the process because I know what road that will lead me down. I have struggled with an eating disorder, specifically purging, since I was in my early teens. If I had gotten a comment like that one year ago I would have gone straight to the bathroom and thrown up all the contents of my stomach until there was nothing but bile left. It been a year since I purged promising myself that I wouldn’t let this weight bring me back to such a dark place.
I remember being a teenager, having my growth spurt, losing all my baby fat, I was terrified of being called fat again so I simply stopped eating. Eventually my mother caught on after one of my teachers told her I wasn’t eating my lunch. My mom would get up a half-hour early before going to work and sit and watch me eat until she was satisfied that I had had enough. It went on like this for maybe a year until she started to trust me again. I mentally prepared myself for those meals by only eating that once a day, a problem that I still have.
Today I live a much healthier lifestyle but every day is a mental battlefield. I have to remember to love myself in the skin God gave me and not try to change for any reason other than the right ones. It was disturbing for me to have someone I believed cared about me make comments about my weight but it taught me a valuable lesson. In this life there will always be people for you and against you. Those who are for you will support you in your dreams and on your journey. Those who are against you will try to tear you down with callus words and crude comments. Haters are going to hate but you can take that challenge and turn it into something positive that reflects who you really are as a person instead of the size of your waistline.