Shared Journal Entry #5
Jan 5, 2016
People struggle every day to find that light at the end of a very dark tunnel but most of them have no idea where to start. I call these people the lost ones. I was a lost one once, I still am really. I did all the right things growing up, I went to school I got good grades, I continued on to higher education, I believed I chose my friends and relationships wisely and for what? It’s true I’m currently living the dream, great job, great home, travel but I still feel like one of the lost ones.
I have the material now but my interior landscape still needs a lot of work. I have to dig deep inside myself to find that inner joy, to find what truly makes me happy in this world. The thing that will make me rest easy knowing I have made a difference in this world.
My dreams are big I realize, but they are completely attainable. After everything I have been through, after all the lost ones I have met on my journey I feel a pull, a calling to help them find their way as well. My mother always says “God never gives you more than you can handle and He certainly didn’t give you a spirit of fear.” I carry this mantra with me through some of my darkest times. I have always questioned “Why me?” How can one person endure so much emotional and mental devastation and be expected to still go on, to get past it, to push through it?
But that’s what I have done, time and time again. I have survived bullying, physical violence, emotional abuse and mental illness which are all things I still struggle with every day though I have survived. I didn’t do it all on my own however, I had a team of people, friends and family that support me through it all. Without them I wouldn’t be almost whole today. I say almost whole because I am still a work in progress. Now that I have my foundation it’s time to start growing as a person and enjoying some of the freedoms I missed when I was trapped inside myself.
That’s the thing about surviving you have to keep on living and challenging yourself to face the demons that haunt you so they can’t hurt you or hamper your progress. I am just now starting to face my demons, I am just now starting to see the light at the end of a very long dark tunnel and I hope that one day I can stand in that light free of the burden of my past, free to be the me I have always dreamed of, the me that deserves only good things in life and in love.