Shared Journal Entry #7

March 6, 2018

I feel fear. I worry constantly over what ifs and I have anxiety about my future. Even though I know these emotions are reasonable and rational It doesn’t stop the fear and anxiety from consuming me on a regular basis. I remember growing up feeling afraid of a lot of things a lot of the time. I learned brutal lessons at an early age that taught me to not trust, to doubt myself, to fear failure.

I fear disappointing people, I fear being disappointed by people; I fear being alone and I fear making connections; I fear being unloved or forgotten and I fear being remembered for the wrong things. But the biggest thing I fear is the vast unknowingness of the future.

I try to live a life of certainty, staying in the realm of things I can control. Some would call me a control freak but I just think I’m careful, cautious. But I started to find in recent years that the carefully constructed world that I had created for myself was falling apart around me. I was loosing everything especially losing sight of my goals. I needed to make a change because being fearful was stopping me from following my dreams and achieving my ambitions. I realized that my future was mine to make so it was time to stop fearing the unknown and jump in both feet first regardless of the outcome. I vowed I would be fearless in my pursuit of happiness, I would take risks big and small to build and create the future I wanted for myself. It was time to feel the fear and do it anyway and that’s exactly what I did.

One year later I am about to be a published author, I have my own podcast and my writing, pieces that I have held back for years are out there for all the world to read. I know I’m on the right track to reaching my final destination. Do I still feel fear? Absolutely but I know those are just thoughts and worries. A thought is not a fact and is not based in reality and I realized though my thoughts tend to go to dark places sometimes I have learned to break free from the darkness and have hope that ultimately my future will turn out alright.


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