Onika L. Dainty

Balancing Success and Setbacks: What I’m Learning About Growth, Grace, and Rest

Success is a complicated subject for me. If I’m honest I’ve always feared success more than I have failure. Failure is easier to overcome and far less daunting than the pressure you feel when you succeed at something. Failure means you still have mountains to climb, obstacles to overcome, goals to achieve and dreams to hope become reality. Success on the other hand can feel like a dead-end street. You have walked the path, you have climbed the mountain, you have reached the top and when you look back you can see all the faces of those that helped you achieve your goals and make your dreams come true.  You can see the pride in their eyes, the joy in their smiles and the hope that you will continue on to greater things…but what if the greatest thing you will ever achieve is happening at the dead-end street called success? What if you can’t reach higher, be better, do more than you have already done? What if you can’t work faster, harder, smarter to achieve greater success?

The thing about success versus failure is that one breeds high expectations and the other low. When you are staring from the bottom you have somewhere to aspire to be–the top. When you reach the top all you worry about is the fast and hard fall to the bottom where life isn’t full of high expectations and even higher risk. So which should I prefer, which brings me more comfort? Failure or success? I have experienced both and currently I am seeing more wins than losses but regardless I feel fear. 

The title of this article is Balancing Success and Setbacks but because of who I am and where I come from I chose to use the term failures going forward. You see, a “setback” can only be categorized as such once a success is born from it and truth be told success in my lived experience can only be born from a flat-out, in-your-face, soul-crushing, disappointing failure. 

No one knows a setback is happening except in hindsight of its occurrence and in my case hindsight hasn’t always been 20/20 rather its been finding balance in the setbacks of my past a.k.a failures, so that I can learn to feel gratitude for the success I have and faith that I will continue to achieve the goals that I have set for myself and continue to make the people who love and support me proud. There is no guarantee that my long and lofty hopes and dreams will ever become a reality. 

There is every possibility that I will experience failures on my journey to achieving my goals but its how I choose to handle those failures, what I choose to learn from each experience that will determine whether my failures will one day be considered setbacks on the road to success rather than a crippling defeat that keeps me stuck and stagnant. 

Over the course of my life I’ve learned that for myself the only way to avoid getting stuck in your past failures is to challenge yourself and condition your mind to practice what I call the Four G principle of turning setbacks into success. Growth. Grit. Grace. Gratitude. 

A Bipolar Woman’s Lived Experience: When Growth, Grit, Grace and Gratitude Align

For several months in 2023 I lived in a women’s shelter in Whitby, ON. The shelter was minutes away from my family’s home but I was deeply in my illness and my family and I were estranged. No one could help me (believe me they tried), I had spiraled out of control both in my mental health and my previous substance use disorder. 

For the first time in my mental health journey I had fallen so far and fast but there was no one to pick me up, dust me off and set me back on the right path. I was alone, I was sick, I had failed myself and disappointed the people I loved. I consider the shelter experience the beginning of hitting my rock bottom. I had no idea what awaited me that year–9 hospitalizations, an attempted assault, a robbery and an eviction. The year 2023 essentially kicked my ass. 

The failures/setbacks seemed never-ending and it was during this difficult period I realized that regardless of the chaos around me I needed to find the blessing in the hard lessons I was learning. It was slow forward movement but I began to re-introduce principles like structure, routine and good habits into my daily living. I ensured that I managed my medication regimen, I began to practice self-care and I addressed my substance use through addiction’s counselling. 

I began to do all the things that I knew previously would get me on the right track only this time I had to be self-motivated. There was no social worker or nurse to take me to appointments or manage my mental health schedule. For the first time on my mental health journey I had to walk alone and learn how to manage my illness independently and with minimum support. I call this process of learning, implementation and the unwavering fight to better my circumstance Growth and Grit.    

Fast forward to the present. It has been two years since my shelter experience and today I live in Oshawa ON, in a beautiful private home where I rent. I've been in mental health remission for a year and a half as well as sober for the same amount of time. I draw on all my community mental health resources such as case management, psychotherapy and trauma treatment programs to continue to address my mental health concerns. I manage my medication as well as my mental health schedule such as psychiatrist appointments and blood work on my own. 

I have not seen the inside of a Psychiatric Unit in over a year. I have started a successful blog chronicling my experiences, both the successes and the setbacks, to share with others on similar journeys. I have reconnected with family and friends that I previously believed were lost to me (they look at me with pride and admiration now). 

Finally, I continue to develop structure, routine and good habits that are designed to keep me in remission and experience wellness despite my illness. I still have moments of extreme highs that can lead to impulsive behaviours and rapid mood shifts  and low-lows that will have me in bed for a week at a time. During these periods I give myself Grace and allow myself to feel every emotion rather than avoid what I’ve learned is unavoidable. I practice a lot of self-care or as I call it my “eat, pray, love" moments and allow myself to step back from the full and robust life I’ve created for myself knowing that when I get through the hypomania or depression my beautiful life will be waiting on the other side. 

For all these successes born from what I know now was never abject failure but rather temporary setbacks, I feel a daily sense of Gratitude, for all the experiences past and all the experiences to come.

Words of Encouragement for Women Looking for Balance in Success and Setbacks

For the women of the world trying to balance success and setbacks whether it's finding equilibrium in mental health, managing a mental illness, dealing with the stress of your career, balancing being a caregiver and a parent, building a business, starting something new or learning to let go of past experiences I encourage you to take a deep breath, close your eyes and hit pause. As people we are in constant motion, mulitasking, wearing multiple hats, juggling all the elements of our lives, like a circus act. However, what would happen, what could you learn about yourself in stillness? There is wisdom that lies beneath the surface of chaos but it can’t be seen or heard through all the noise of the world. 

Once upon a time I bought into the lie of productivity, the untruth of “do more” even when you find success. Recently, because of the success I have been experiencing I took a break from my blog to focus on the opportunities that have been born from my commitment to succeeding on this platform. My mind told me I could do it all but the growth I have experienced over the last two years reminded me that I don’t have to. I can pause, I can be still, I can stop and smell the sweet rose of success without feeling I needed to achieve more in that moment. I gave myself grace and allowed myself to take a break for the month of June in order to reflect and realign, asking myself where is my creative energy needed the most? Where will it serve me best when trying to achieve success? Finally, where will I experience setbacks if I don’t allow myself to experience grace?

 Final Thoughts

Although I stated this in the above article I believe that it is important to state it again: There is nothing more powerful or precious in this constant world in motion than Pause. Taking a break from the chaos that often life can bring is okay. I want to be clear however pause does not mean running away. Pause does not mean avoiding your life and pause does not mean letting go of your responsibilities to participate in self-destructive behaviours. Pause can mean taking deep breaths when you are feeling overwhelmed. Pause can mean practicing self-care like mindfulness activities, meditation or taking a walk. 

Pause can also mean breaking away from  the people, places and things that drain your energy and replacing them with people, places or things that fill your cup. When you embrace “the pause” you can also practice self-reflection and come to the realization  that you are more than just one experience, one success or one setback. As humans we experience duality in our emotions. For example, it's okay to feel pride and pressure over your successes and disappointment and relief over your failures. By taking a pause to reflect on your emotional experiences it will be easier to understand the why behind your feelings and how they ultimately affect the path to success you are on.