Onika L. Dainty

In this post, I aim to share my journey, illustrating the extremes of a manic episode and the profound effects it had on my life. My hope is that by sharing my story, others might find understanding, connection, and perhaps the courage to seek help.

Understanding Manic Episodes

A manic episode can be described as an extreme and uncontrollable elevation of mood, often accompanied by feelings of excitement or euphoria. For me, the initial surge of energy felt like a spark igniting a fire. I was flooded with ideas, racing thoughts, and an inflated sense of self-esteem. I felt invincible, believing I could accomplish anything. However, as thrilling as it was, I was unaware of the shadows lurking just beneath the surface.

The symptoms of mania are multifaceted. They can manifest as:

• Rapid speech: I found myself talking a mile a minute, unable to slow down or catch my breath.

• Disorganized thoughts: My mind raced, bouncing from one idea to another, making it nearly impossible to focus on anything.

• Delusions of grandeur: I believed I had extraordinary abilities and a purpose that I was destined to fulfill.

• Impulsivity: Financial decisions became reckless, and relationships strained under my new-found bravado.

• Paranoia: I felt as though everyone was watching me, judging my every move.

As my episode progressed, these symptoms intensified, leading to hallucinations and even violent outbursts. It’s a stark reminder that, if left untreated, Mania can escalate into Manic-psychosis, where the boundaries of reality blur dangerously.

Men vs. Women: A Distinct Divide

Research shows that the onset of Mania typically occurs earlier for men, often in adolescence or around 4-5 years before women. Men may experience more intense and frequent manic episodes, while women often grapple with depressive episodes more frequently. For men, aggressive behaviors can surface during Mania, whereas women may experience rapid-cycling or seasonal episodes, leading to a different emotional landscape.

For me, this gendered experience of Bipolar disorder added layers to my understanding of my condition. I often felt caught between the heightened emotions of Mania and the stark reality of Depression, wondering how my experience compared to that of my male counterparts. After experiencing 13 episodes in my lifetime I can classify my Mania as rapid-cycling or seasonal episodes followed directly by severe depressive episodes.

The Triggering Events: A Perfect Storm

My manic episode was precipitated by a series of stressors that I couldn’t have anticipated. On my 22nd birthday, my grandmother passed away, a loss that shattered my emotional foundation. Just eight months later, I lost my other grandmother, compounding my grief and leaving me feeling adrift.

In an attempt to cope, I turned to substances like marijuana, seeking relief from the overwhelming sorrow. But rather than finding solace, I only intensified the storm brewing inside me. I struggled to focus on my final year in university, plagued by insomnia and a deteriorating relationship with my then-boyfriend. It was a perfect storm of emotional upheaval and loss that I didn’t see coming.

What the Episode Looked Like

As I spiraled into my first manic episode, I experienced a barrage of symptoms that became increasingly difficult to manage. Rapid speech turned into disorganized thoughts, and my once coherent conversations devolved into chaotic rants filled with delusions of grandeur. I believed I could change the world, that I had a mission that no one else could comprehend.

In the throes of Mania, my emotions felt like a pendulum swinging wildly. I laughed uncontrollably one moment, only to erupt into tears or anger the next. I remember feeling detached from reality, caught in a dissociative state where nothing felt tangible or grounded. My parents, concerned for my well-being, noticed the drastic changes in my behavior and knew they needed to intervene.

How My Parents Got Involved

My mother was just five minutes away from leaving for her 12-hour nursing shift when my boyfriend at the time reached out to her, desperately conveying how out of control I had become. That call prompted a frantic drive of four hours to Ottawa, where I was living at the time. I was hallucinating, lost in a world that felt all too real yet completely fabricated.

During the drive home, I tried several times to jump out of the moving vehicle, a clear indication of my disorientation and desperation. My mother, a nurse, assessed the gravity of the situation and recognized that I was experiencing a serious psychotic episode. She made the decision to take me to Scarborough General Hospital for psychiatric treatment.

The Hospital Experience

Arriving at the hospital was surreal. I was so far removed from reality that I couldn’t comprehend the seriousness of my condition. The staff deemed me a danger to myself and others, and I was restrained to a bed to prevent any further outbursts or attempts to escape. It was a terrifying experience to be chained to a bed, sedated into a haze of confusion due to the intense psychosis and my prolonged lack of sleep—I hadn’t slept for 52 hours.

When I finally regained consciousness, I found myself in an isolation room, disoriented and frightened. It was here that a psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar I disorder, attributing my episode to substance use. He explained that I was essentially allergic to marijuana, and its use had triggered this manic episode.

Post-Episode: The Depths of Depression

After my manic episode, the reality of Bipolar disorder set in. I faced an extreme and prolonged Depression that left me feeling hollow and isolated. Sleep became my only refuge, and I would often stay in bed for hours, neglecting personal hygiene and losing interest in everything I once loved. I experienced a significant loss of appetite, leading to dramatic weight changes as I transitioned from manic energy to profound lethargy.

Social activities became daunting, and I withdrew from friends and family, fearing their judgment. Suicidal ideations crept in, an ever-present reminder of the darkness that enveloped me. This cycle of Mania followed by crushing Depression left me grappling with the reality of my condition.

The Stigma of Support

Navigating the stigma surrounding mental health proved to be one of the most challenging aspects of my experience. While I knew I was sick and needed help, the thought of entering the mental health system filled me with dread. I didn’t want to be labeled as someone with a mental disability, fearing the societal repercussions.

In the job market, having a mental health condition can feel like a scarlet letter, making it harder to find employment. Insurance applications often discriminate against those with invisible disabilities. When I was well, I felt invisible; but when I became unwell, it was as if my struggles were on display for all to see.

Many people choose to suffer in silence rather than risk the vulnerability that comes with seeking help. The fear of being treated as a second-class citizen in society can be paralyzing, and it often leads individuals to avoid the support they desperately need.

Managing Symptoms and Stressors

I learned that managing my symptoms equated to managing my stress. Self-awareness became crucial; I had to recognize what stressed me out and have the courage to walk away from toxic relationships or situations, whether they involved family, friendships, or even jobs.

I took small steps toward understanding my triggers and incorporating healthy coping mechanisms. Mindfulness practices, journaling, and regular exercise helped ground me. Surrounding myself with understanding friends who offered support without judgment was essential in my journey toward stability.

The Journey Toward Acceptance

Over time, I learned to accept my condition as part of my identity, rather than allowing it to define me. Seeking therapy and engaging in medication management became vital components of my routine. I learned to communicate openly with my loved ones about my struggles and sought to educate them about my condition.

Embracing my journey and sharing my experiences became therapeutic. I realized that breaking the stigma surrounding mental health starts with conversation. I found strength in vulnerability, and it empowered me to advocate for myself and others navigating similar paths.

Final Thoughts

Reflecting on my first manic episode, I realize it was a wake-up call—a moment that reshaped my understanding of myself and my mental health. The experience was both harrowing and enlightening, revealing the importance of community, understanding, and acceptance.

If you find yourself grappling with similar experiences, remember that you are not alone. It takes courage to seek help, to share your story, and to confront the stigma surrounding mental health. Together, we can foster a community of support and understanding, ensuring that no one has to navigate these turbulent waters alone.

The Unique Challenges Women Face

Women with Bipolar disorder face distinct challenges that complicate our experiences. Hormonal fluctuations, particularly during menstrual cycles, pregnancy, or menopause, can exacerbate mood instability. I remember days when I felt like I was on a tightrope, trying to balance my emotions with the expectations placed upon me. Society often holds women to certain standards—being nurturing, resilient, and emotionally stable—adding pressure that can intensify our symptoms.

Navigating relationships can also be tricky. The stigma surrounding mental illness creates barriers in friendships and romantic relationships. I’ve had moments when I felt isolated, unsure of how to express what I was going through. Sharing my experiences with friends has often led to deeper connections, but it hasn’t been without its challenges.

Women as Caregivers and Self-Advocates

One aspect that deserves attention is the role of women as caregivers. Many women with Bipolar disorder are not only managing their own mental health but also taking care of family members or friends. This dual responsibility can make it difficult to prioritize self-care. However, I’ve noticed that women who actively participate in taking care of themselves often become more open to sharing their struggles and advocating for their needs.

Through my journey, I learned that taking risks—whether it’s trying a new therapy or speaking openly about my experiences—has empowered me. For example, joining support groups predominantly composed of women has provided a safe space for me to share my journey. The camaraderie I’ve experienced in these groups has shown me that vulnerability can lead to strength.

Mental health, largely a female-dominated field, has allowed me to feel comfortable discussing my experiences in therapy. It’s like talking to a girlfriend; the conversations feel intimate and relatable. This unique dynamic has helped me navigate the complexities of my mental health while also reinforcing the importance of self-advocacy.

The Impact of Medication on Hormonal Chemistry

Medication is often a cornerstone of managing Bipolar disorder, but it can also change our hormonal chemistry significantly. For me, adjusting to medication was a journey in itself. Initially, I struggled with side effects that felt overwhelming, and I had to work closely with my healthcare provider to find the right balance. I learned that being compliant with my medication regime was crucial, as non-compliance can lead to heightened symptoms and a more chaotic emotional state.

I’ve had moments where I thought, “You can’t pray the cray away.” This realization came after a particularly challenging episode when I was non-compliant. The repercussions were a stark reminder of how critical it is to stay on track with medication. During this time, I also recognized the need for consistent support and guidance—enter the idea of having a mental health mentor. This could be someone on your team who helps navigate the complexities of the mental healthcare system and advocates for you when you are unable to do so.

Vulnerability and Trust in Therapy

Developing trust with your therapist, counselor, or social worker is vital in managing mental health. I found that consistency in my therapeutic relationships helped build that trust over time. It’s all about relationship management skills; the more I opened up, the more I felt understood. This consistency created a nurturing environment where I could explore my vulnerabilities without fear of judgment.

In therapy, I’ve found it beneficial to share both my struggles and triumphs. My experiences have often resonated with my therapist, allowing for deeper conversations about coping mechanisms. I’ve developed grounding techniques that work for me—like aromatherapy, breathing exercises, tapping, or the cold water trick for dissociation. These tools have empowered me to manage my emotions and navigate overwhelming moments more effectively.

The Stigma of Mental Illness

One significant challenge I’ve faced as a woman with Bipolar disorder is the derogatory language used to describe mentally ill women. Terms like "crazy," "mad," or "hysterical" perpetuate harmful stereotypes that affect my experience as an individual. I remember feeling deeply affected by these labels, which created a sense of shame around my condition. However, I decided to take back the language, turning negative descriptors into positive affirmations. Humor has also become an essential coping mechanism for me. Laughter helps defuse tension and allows me to approach my experiences with a lighter heart.

Public speaking and community participation have been instrumental in reclaiming my narrative. By sharing my story, I aim to break down the stigma and foster understanding about Bipolar disorder. Engaging in community discussions has also given me the platform to advocate for change in mental health policies, particularly around the treatment of women.

Addressing Gender-Based Trauma in Healthcare

Gender-based trauma can deeply affect women’s experiences within the healthcare system, particularly in mental health settings. I’ve faced situations in hospitals that triggered past traumas, especially when it comes to restrictive practices. These experiences have fueled my desire to change policies regarding how women are treated during mental health interventions.

It’s vital for healthcare providers to recognize the impact of gender-based trauma and create supportive environments. Advocacy for change in these practices can lead to better experiences for women seeking care. By sharing our stories, we can push for policies that respect the dignity and autonomy of all patients.

The Power of Community Support

Peer support has been invaluable in my journey. Connecting with others who share similar experiences fosters a sense of belonging and understanding. I’ve found a community through various support groups, predominantly led by women. These spaces have allowed us to share stories openly and honestly. There’s something profoundly healing about realizing that someone else has walked a similar path.

Hearing others’ stories inspires me to share my own. In these supportive environments, I’ve learned to embrace vulnerability as a strength. We create a tapestry of hope and resilience, which can guide others facing similar challenges.

Knowledge is Power: The Importance of Research

As women with Bipolar disorder, knowledge is indeed power. I’ve learned that educating myself about my condition has been empowering. Researching my symptoms, treatment options, and coping strategies allowed me to take control of my mental health journey. This knowledge has not only informed my decisions but has also given me the confidence to advocate for myself within the healthcare system.

Participating in recovery college programs has been a transformative experience. These programs provide valuable information about mental health and recovery while fostering a sense of community. Engaging with others in these settings encourages open discussions about our experiences and the tools we can use to thrive.

Celebrating the Wins

While it’s easy to focus on the challenges, it’s crucial to celebrate the wins as well. Each achievement, no matter how small, deserves recognition. I’ve learned the power of positive affirmations. They may sound simple, but telling myself that I am capable has a profound impact on my mindset.

Sharing stories of personal achievements—like completing a project at work, reaching a sobriety milestone, or engaging in community advocacy—helps me acknowledge my progress. In moments of self-doubt, looking back at these victories fuels my motivation to continue moving forward. It’s about recognizing that we can grow, even amidst the highs and lows.

Final Thoughts

Living with Bipolar disorder is a journey filled with ups and downs, and it’s crucial for us to understand and support each other. By sharing our lived experiences, we create a tapestry of hope and resilience that can guide others. Remember, if you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. There is strength in sharing our stories. For those looking for more resources, be sure to check out my post, How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide, for tips and strategies. Let's continue to have conversations that take us beyond the stigma and uplift one another.

Understanding Your Bipolar Type

First and foremost, it's important to educate yourself on your specific type of Bipolar disorder. Each type—whether it's Bipolar I, Bipolar II, or Cyclothymia—comes with its unique patterns and challenges. Knowledge is empowering; by understanding your diagnosis, you can begin to identify your triggers, mood patterns, and effective coping strategies. Use your lived experiences as a foundation to build a toolkit that is unique to you.

Key Components of a Bipolar Management Toolkit

Mood Charting

One of the most impactful tools I've found is mood charting. Tracking your moods can reveal patterns and triggers that you might not notice otherwise. Whether you prefer using apps or jotting down notes in a journal, having a visual representation of your mood swings can empower you to understand your emotional landscape better. Over time, this chart becomes a valuable resource for you and your healthcare team, allowing for more informed discussions about your treatment plan.

Medication Management

For many of us, medication plays a crucial role in managing symptoms. A reliable medication management strategy is essential. This includes keeping track of your medication history and understanding what you are taking. Utilizing blister packs can simplify this process, ensuring you take the correct doses at the right times. It's important to maintain open communication with your psychiatrist and pharmacist, discussing any side effects or concerns that may arise. Regular reviews of your medication can help optimize your treatment plan and ensure that you are getting the most effective care. There are new advancements in mental health medications that can improve your quality of life so it is important to stay up to date through communication with your psychiatrist and pharmacist on how these advancements can benefit you. 

For me, blister packs as well as my pharmacy’s delivery service have been life-changing. Blister packs gives me ease in taking my medication daily as they are not only divided into pouches with the prescribed medication but also the time they need to be taken. Medication delivery by the pharmacy helps me avoid missing medication as delivery is usually scheduled for a day or two before my blister pack runs out.  

Access to Mental Health Resources

Having access to a trusted psychiatrist and counseling services is invaluable. Engaging in psycho-education through recovery colleges provides opportunities to deepen your understanding of Bipolar disorder. These educational resources can help you and your supporters learn about symptoms, triggers, and effective management strategies. Gaining access can sometimes be difficult due to waitlists but speaking with your healthcare team about what resources are available is a great place to start. 

Therapeutic Resources

Therapy can be a game-changer. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) are particularly effective for managing Bipolar disorder. These therapeutic approaches equip you with practical skills to handle challenges and regulate your emotions. Finding a therapist who understands your unique experiences can make a world of difference. Don't hesitate to shop around until you find someone you connect with. Usually there is a referral process for these types of therapy so it's important to speak with your psychiatrist to start the process when you are ready. 

Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques

Incorporating mindfulness practices into your daily routine can significantly enhance your well-being. Techniques like meditation, deep breathing exercises, and grounding exercises (such as tapping or the cold water trick) can serve as effective outlets for anxiety. Personally, I’ve found that dedicating time to creative expression—be it journaling or poetry—has been therapeutic.

Grounding exercises are particularly useful during periods of intense emotional distress. They help you stay present and can alleviate feelings of anxiety or panic. Simple techniques like focusing on your breath or engaging your senses by feeling the texture of an object can ground you in the moment.Something as simple as splashing freezing cold water on your face can bring you out of a dark or emotional place back to a more grounded and calm headspace.

Building a Support System

Building a robust support system is vital. Surrounding yourself with people who understand your struggles can alleviate feelings of isolation. I’ve created a team of supporters with clearly defined roles: family members, friends, therapists, and peer support members all contribute to my well-being. Peer support groups within the recovery college setting have been particularly helpful for me, allowing me to share my experiences and learn from others in similar situations.

Creating a Self-Care Toolkit

Self-care is an essential aspect of managing Bipolar disorder. Your self-care toolkit might include practices that nourish your body and mind, such as a regular exercise routine, healthy diet, and hobbies that bring you joy. Engaging in physical activity releases endorphins, which can positively impact your mood. Whether it’s yoga, walking, or any form of exercise, find what works best for you and make it a part of your routine.

Stable Housing and Nutrition

Stable housing is another critical component of managing your mental health. A safe, secure living environment allows you to focus on recovery without added stressors. Additionally, paying attention to your diet and nutrition can have a significant impact on your mood and energy levels. Consult a dietician if you need guidance on maintaining a balanced diet that supports your mental health.

Access to a Pharmacist and Reference Books

Building a relationship with a pharmacist can also enhance your understanding of your medications and their interactions. They can offer insights that complement your doctor’s advice. Additionally, having reference materials on hand—such as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition (DSM-5) or workbooks like Mind Over Mood (CBT) and The Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills Workbook, and reputable online resources—can provide valuable information and reassurance.

Mental Health Resource Guide

Creating a mental health resource guide can be a helpful tool for yourself and your supporters. This guide can include crisis lines, crisis beds, and planning resources for times of emergency. Having this information readily available can alleviate anxiety during moments of crisis, ensuring you know where to turn for help. You can start this resource guide by listing the services that have worked for you or anyone you know in the past. 

Crisis Planning and Advance Directives

Having a crisis plan in place is essential. This should outline what steps to take when you or someone in your support system recognizes that your symptoms are escalating. A Mental Health Advance Directive can be invaluable, detailing your treatment preferences in times when you may not be able to communicate them. Ensure that your supporters know where to find this document and what it entails.

Final Thoughts

Managing Bipolar I disorder is a journey filled with its highs and lows. A well-equipped Bipolar management toolkit can make navigating this path a little less overwhelming. By incorporating these essential components into your life, you can face the challenges of your condition with more confidence and clarity. Remember, you are not alone in this experience. I encourage you to share your own stories or ask questions in the comments. Let’s build a supportive community where we can all thrive, one toolkit at a time.

Understanding Bipolar Disorder and Its Treatment

Living with Bipolar I disorder means navigating a spectrum of emotions, from the highest highs to the lowest lows. Commonly prescribed treatments include mood stabilizers and antipsychotics, which help maintain balance and reduce the frequency of episodes. It’s essential to follow these treatment plans closely and communicate openly with healthcare providers. Each medication plays a specific role, and understanding that is vital for managing the disorder effectively.

My Wellness Retreat Experience: A Cautionary Tale

A while back, I attended a wellness retreat that promised holistic healing through natural supplements. Eager to explore alternative approaches, I experimented with Nattokinase, Bromelain, and Curcumin, believing they could enhance my mental clarity and emotional balance. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that mixing these supplements with my prescribed antipsychotics and mood stabilizers was a dangerous decision.

Shortly after beginning this regimen, I experienced a psychotic episode that shook me to my core. The combination of supplements and medications created a perfect storm, intensifying my symptoms and plunging me into a state of confusion and fear. It was a harrowing experience, and in the aftermath, I found myself questioning everything. I wondered if I should come off my medications entirely and rely solely on supplements for my mental health. Looking back, I realize how misguided that thought was, fueled by the desire to find a “natural” solution.

The Risks of Self-Medicating with Supplements

While I’ve often been drawn to the idea of using natural supplements to enhance my mental health, the risks can be significant. Many people underestimate how supplements can interact with their medications. For instance, certain herbal supplements like St. John’s Wort, which is often touted for its mood-enhancing properties, can reduce the effectiveness of antidepressants and lead to dangerous side effects. I’ve heard stories of individuals who, in their search for relief, found themselves grappling with intensified symptoms. The supplement industry is also notoriously unregulated, leaving consumers vulnerable to products that may not be safe or effective. It’s important to remember that Bipolar I disorder is a chemical imbalance in the brain and not every chemical or supplement is designed to stabilize this imbalance. 

The Impact of Specific Supplements

In my search for alternative treatments, I also tried Lion’s Mane, a mushroom supplement that promotes focus and a supplement called True Hope, which is marketed for depression. While some swear by their benefits, I found that they did a number on me. Rather than providing clarity or relief, they only compounded my struggles, reinforcing my realization that these are not suitable options for someone with Bipolar I disorder.

It’s essential to emphasize that supplements may not only fail to provide the relief we seek; they can worsen our condition. The alluring idea of using “natural” products can be misleading, particularly for those of us who are already vulnerable.

Consulting Your Healthcare Provider

One of the most important steps in managing Bipolar disorder is having open communication with healthcare providers. If you’re considering taking supplements, it’s crucial to discuss this with your doctor or psychiatrist. They can provide guidance and assess any potential risks based on your specific situation. There’s no need to feel judged; remember, healthcare professionals are there to support your journey. They can help you navigate the complexities of your treatment plan and ensure that you’re making safe choices.

Alternative Strategies for Mental Health Management

Instead of relying on supplements, I’ve found that focusing on non-supplement-based strategies has made a significant difference in my life. Therapy, regular exercise, and mindfulness practices have become my cornerstones for mental well-being. I’ve learned that nutrition plays a vital role, too. Eating a balanced diet filled with whole foods can have a profound impact on how we feel. Some vitamins can be beneficial but once again it is important to consult your health care provider to see if they will work with your current medication regime. Surrounding myself with a supportive community has also been essential. We can lean on each other and share strategies that truly work.

Final Thoughts

It’s vital to prioritize safety and well-being when managing Bipolar I disorder. While the allure of supplements can be tempting, the potential risks often outweigh the benefits. I cannot stress enough that those of us with Bipolar disorder should approach supplements with extreme caution—or better yet, avoid them entirely. Always consult with your healthcare team before making any changes to your treatment plan. Remember, you’re not alone on this path—support and effective management strategies are available. Take care of yourself, and let’s continue to learn and grow together.

If you're interested in further exploring the journey of managing Bipolar disorder, be sure to check out my blog, "How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide." It’s filled with valuable insights and tips to help you along the way.