I was emotionally volatile, often having mood swings that went from euphoric and disruptive Mania to lows that had me locked in my room for weeks or months at a time non-communicative with my family including my little sister.

I remember there were several episodes where in my delusional state I believed my little sister was my daughter and when I would approach her with wild love in my eyes she would run into the closest corner of the room and scream for me to leave her alone. Looking back on these moments I realize that my sister was exhausted and scared from the chaos my unchecked illness created in our home. Living in my own reality then I was completely unaware how unsafe I made hers. I have a lot of regrets along the way to wellness but my greatest is the damage my mental illness did to the relationship with my little sister. 

Final Thoughts

My sister and I are still not as close as I’d like us to be. We are on different paths in life and I’m not sure when and if those paths will cross again on my journey to wellness. We share a connection with her parents and I am blessed to have a good relationship with her two daughters. My sister once said to me if we weren’t related we would not be friends and I think she’s probably right. It's more than just years that separates us, it's also life experiences and how we have chosen to handle the challenges they present. I love my sister dearly and I hope one day we can find our way back to each other but for now we live by the invisible boundaries that we have both had to set in order to exist in the spaces we share.

Understanding Bipolar Disorder in Women

Definition and Types of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a complex mental health condition characterized by extreme mood swings, including emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression). It is categorized into several types, primarily Bipolar I disorder and Bipolar II disorder. Bipolar I involves manic episodes lasting at least seven days or manic symptoms that are so severe that immediate hospital care is needed. Depressive episodes may occur as well. On the other hand, Bipolar II is defined by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes but no full-blown manic episodes.

Prevalence Among Women

Women are disproportionately affected by Bipolar disorder, with studies showing they may experience symptoms differently than men. For instance, women often report more depressive episodes and rapid cycling between highs and lows. This can lead to unique challenges, such as hormonal fluctuations from menstrual cycles or pregnancy, impacting mood stability.

Unique Challenges Faced by Women with Bipolar Disorder

In addition to the biological factors, societal expectations and stigma can exacerbate the challenges faced by women. Many women report feeling pressured to fulfill roles as caregivers or professionals, leading to additional stress and potentially worsening their mental health. The need for balance can often feel overwhelming, leading to a sense of isolation, particularly during acute episodes.

The Crisis: Recognizing the Need for Help

Signs That Indicate a Crisis

Recognizing when one is in crisis is vital. For me, the signs included insomnia, substance use, and delusions, sometimes manifesting as visual and auditory hallucinations. Other signs can include elevated moods, hypersexuality, hyper-spending, and medication mismanagement. During these periods, reaching out for help is crucial.

I’ve learned the importance of connecting with someone—be it a friend, my mental health mentor, or a family member—during these difficult times. A wellness check, initiated by myself or someone close, can provide immediate support, although the experience can sometimes be stigmatizing.

Stigmas and Misconceptions Surrounding Mental Health

The stigma surrounding mental health issues, especially for women, can be profound. Many women report feeling judged or misunderstood when seeking help, which can prevent them from accessing necessary care. Misconceptions about mental illness often lead to fear and avoidance, creating barriers to open conversations about our struggles.

The Importance of Seeking Immediate Care

When faced with the signs of a crisis, seeking immediate care is essential. It can be challenging to navigate the hospital system, especially when in distress. Yet, getting the right support can be a critical step towards recovery. It’s okay to ask for help and to advocate for oneself during these vulnerable times.

Hospitalization: What to Expect

Overview of the Hospital Admission Process

When you arrive at the hospital, whether brought in by police, emergency services, or loved ones, the first step typically involves checking into the emergency room (ER). Here, healthcare professionals will assess your vital signs and ask about any medications or substances you may be using.

After this initial assessment, you may be moved to a separate area of the ER designated for patients with mental health concerns, where you will wait for a psychiatric assessment. This part of the process can feel isolating, as it is often part of what is known as a 72-hour hold (Form 1 assessment) designed to ensure your safety and the safety of others.

Types of Treatments Available in Hospitals

While in the hospital, treatment options can vary. Medication management is mandatory, often involving mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to help manage symptoms. Psycho-education and support groups are also typically offered, helping patients gain a better understanding of their condition and coping strategies.

Occupational therapy, which may include art therapy, yoga, and social activities, is often available but usually on a voluntary basis. These therapies can be invaluable in helping women express themselves and connect with others.

Support Systems: Role of Healthcare Professionals

Healthcare professionals play a pivotal role in the recovery process. Psychiatric nurses and social workers are often at the forefront of providing emotional support and advocacy during your stay. Case management services can help address other concerns, such as addictions or housing needs, ensuring a holistic approach to care.

Personal Stories: Women’s Experiences

Testimonials from Women About Their Hospital Experiences

Many women have shared their hospital experiences, highlighting both the positive and negative aspects of their treatment. For some, the supportive environment fostered by understanding staff can make a world of difference. Others have described feeling dehumanized, especially when restraints are used during acute episodes.

Common Themes and Lessons Learned

Common themes often emerge in these personal narratives. Many women emphasize the importance of feeling seen and heard during their hospital stays. The presence of empathetic healthcare professionals can foster a sense of safety and understanding, which is critical during times of crisis.

The Impact of Supportive Networks During Recovery

Support networks, including friends, family, and peer support groups, can significantly impact recovery. Sharing experiences with others who understand the journey can help women feel less isolated and more empowered.

Recovery: Paths to Healing

The Role of Therapy and Counseling in Recovery

Therapy and counseling are essential components of recovery from Bipolar disorder. Through talk therapy, many women find a safe space to explore their feelings and develop coping strategies. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is particularly beneficial, helping patients reframe negative thoughts and behaviors.

Importance of Medication Management

Medication management remains a cornerstone of effective treatment. For those of us living with Bipolar I disorder, taking mood stabilizers and antipsychotics can help maintain stability and reduce the frequency and intensity of manic and depressive episodes.

Strategies for Self-Care and Support Post-Hospitalization

Post-hospital care is critical for long-term recovery. Engaging in self-care practices, such as regular exercise, mindfulness, and maintaining a structured routine, can significantly improve emotional resilience. Moreover, staying connected with supportive friends and participating in peer support groups can foster a sense of community and belonging.

Final Thoughts

The hospital experience can be a turning point for many women living with Bipolar disorder, providing them with critical support and a path toward recovery. Through shared stories, we gain a deeper understanding of the resilience of these women. If you or someone you know is struggling with Bipolar disorder, don’t hesitate to seek help. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Together, we can move beyond the stigma surrounding mental health and empower women to share their stories.

For a deeper understanding of how to manage Bipolar disorder, consider reading How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide. Additionally, check out Best Tools and Resources for Managing BipolarDisorder in 2024 for helpful strategies and tools.

In this post, I aim to share my journey, illustrating the extremes of a manic episode and the profound effects it had on my life. My hope is that by sharing my story, others might find understanding, connection, and perhaps the courage to seek help.

Understanding Manic Episodes

A manic episode can be described as an extreme and uncontrollable elevation of mood, often accompanied by feelings of excitement or euphoria. For me, the initial surge of energy felt like a spark igniting a fire. I was flooded with ideas, racing thoughts, and an inflated sense of self-esteem. I felt invincible, believing I could accomplish anything. However, as thrilling as it was, I was unaware of the shadows lurking just beneath the surface.

The symptoms of mania are multifaceted. They can manifest as:

• Rapid speech: I found myself talking a mile a minute, unable to slow down or catch my breath.

• Disorganized thoughts: My mind raced, bouncing from one idea to another, making it nearly impossible to focus on anything.

• Delusions of grandeur: I believed I had extraordinary abilities and a purpose that I was destined to fulfill.

• Impulsivity: Financial decisions became reckless, and relationships strained under my new-found bravado.

• Paranoia: I felt as though everyone was watching me, judging my every move.

As my episode progressed, these symptoms intensified, leading to hallucinations and even violent outbursts. It’s a stark reminder that, if left untreated, Mania can escalate into Manic-psychosis, where the boundaries of reality blur dangerously.

Men vs. Women: A Distinct Divide

Research shows that the onset of Mania typically occurs earlier for men, often in adolescence or around 4-5 years before women. Men may experience more intense and frequent manic episodes, while women often grapple with depressive episodes more frequently. For men, aggressive behaviors can surface during Mania, whereas women may experience rapid-cycling or seasonal episodes, leading to a different emotional landscape.

For me, this gendered experience of Bipolar disorder added layers to my understanding of my condition. I often felt caught between the heightened emotions of Mania and the stark reality of Depression, wondering how my experience compared to that of my male counterparts. After experiencing 13 episodes in my lifetime I can classify my Mania as rapid-cycling or seasonal episodes followed directly by severe depressive episodes.

The Triggering Events: A Perfect Storm

My manic episode was precipitated by a series of stressors that I couldn’t have anticipated. On my 22nd birthday, my grandmother passed away, a loss that shattered my emotional foundation. Just eight months later, I lost my other grandmother, compounding my grief and leaving me feeling adrift.

In an attempt to cope, I turned to substances like marijuana, seeking relief from the overwhelming sorrow. But rather than finding solace, I only intensified the storm brewing inside me. I struggled to focus on my final year in university, plagued by insomnia and a deteriorating relationship with my then-boyfriend. It was a perfect storm of emotional upheaval and loss that I didn’t see coming.

What the Episode Looked Like

As I spiraled into my first manic episode, I experienced a barrage of symptoms that became increasingly difficult to manage. Rapid speech turned into disorganized thoughts, and my once coherent conversations devolved into chaotic rants filled with delusions of grandeur. I believed I could change the world, that I had a mission that no one else could comprehend.

In the throes of Mania, my emotions felt like a pendulum swinging wildly. I laughed uncontrollably one moment, only to erupt into tears or anger the next. I remember feeling detached from reality, caught in a dissociative state where nothing felt tangible or grounded. My parents, concerned for my well-being, noticed the drastic changes in my behavior and knew they needed to intervene.

How My Parents Got Involved

My mother was just five minutes away from leaving for her 12-hour nursing shift when my boyfriend at the time reached out to her, desperately conveying how out of control I had become. That call prompted a frantic drive of four hours to Ottawa, where I was living at the time. I was hallucinating, lost in a world that felt all too real yet completely fabricated.

During the drive home, I tried several times to jump out of the moving vehicle, a clear indication of my disorientation and desperation. My mother, a nurse, assessed the gravity of the situation and recognized that I was experiencing a serious psychotic episode. She made the decision to take me to Scarborough General Hospital for psychiatric treatment.

The Hospital Experience

Arriving at the hospital was surreal. I was so far removed from reality that I couldn’t comprehend the seriousness of my condition. The staff deemed me a danger to myself and others, and I was restrained to a bed to prevent any further outbursts or attempts to escape. It was a terrifying experience to be chained to a bed, sedated into a haze of confusion due to the intense psychosis and my prolonged lack of sleep—I hadn’t slept for 52 hours.

When I finally regained consciousness, I found myself in an isolation room, disoriented and frightened. It was here that a psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar I disorder, attributing my episode to substance use. He explained that I was essentially allergic to marijuana, and its use had triggered this manic episode.

Post-Episode: The Depths of Depression

After my manic episode, the reality of Bipolar disorder set in. I faced an extreme and prolonged Depression that left me feeling hollow and isolated. Sleep became my only refuge, and I would often stay in bed for hours, neglecting personal hygiene and losing interest in everything I once loved. I experienced a significant loss of appetite, leading to dramatic weight changes as I transitioned from manic energy to profound lethargy.

Social activities became daunting, and I withdrew from friends and family, fearing their judgment. Suicidal ideations crept in, an ever-present reminder of the darkness that enveloped me. This cycle of Mania followed by crushing Depression left me grappling with the reality of my condition.

The Stigma of Support

Navigating the stigma surrounding mental health proved to be one of the most challenging aspects of my experience. While I knew I was sick and needed help, the thought of entering the mental health system filled me with dread. I didn’t want to be labeled as someone with a mental disability, fearing the societal repercussions.

In the job market, having a mental health condition can feel like a scarlet letter, making it harder to find employment. Insurance applications often discriminate against those with invisible disabilities. When I was well, I felt invisible; but when I became unwell, it was as if my struggles were on display for all to see.

Many people choose to suffer in silence rather than risk the vulnerability that comes with seeking help. The fear of being treated as a second-class citizen in society can be paralyzing, and it often leads individuals to avoid the support they desperately need.

Managing Symptoms and Stressors

I learned that managing my symptoms equated to managing my stress. Self-awareness became crucial; I had to recognize what stressed me out and have the courage to walk away from toxic relationships or situations, whether they involved family, friendships, or even jobs.

I took small steps toward understanding my triggers and incorporating healthy coping mechanisms. Mindfulness practices, journaling, and regular exercise helped ground me. Surrounding myself with understanding friends who offered support without judgment was essential in my journey toward stability.

The Journey Toward Acceptance

Over time, I learned to accept my condition as part of my identity, rather than allowing it to define me. Seeking therapy and engaging in medication management became vital components of my routine. I learned to communicate openly with my loved ones about my struggles and sought to educate them about my condition.

Embracing my journey and sharing my experiences became therapeutic. I realized that breaking the stigma surrounding mental health starts with conversation. I found strength in vulnerability, and it empowered me to advocate for myself and others navigating similar paths.

Final Thoughts

Reflecting on my first manic episode, I realize it was a wake-up call—a moment that reshaped my understanding of myself and my mental health. The experience was both harrowing and enlightening, revealing the importance of community, understanding, and acceptance.

If you find yourself grappling with similar experiences, remember that you are not alone. It takes courage to seek help, to share your story, and to confront the stigma surrounding mental health. Together, we can foster a community of support and understanding, ensuring that no one has to navigate these turbulent waters alone.

I’m writing this today as a 41-year-old woman diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder, speaking to both my 16-year-old self who first began to struggle, and my 24-year-old self who smoked that last marijuana joint just before my life turned upside down. I want to share with you what I wish I’d known back then, when the warning signs were there, but I couldn’t yet see them for what they were.

The Beginning of Anxiety and Depression

At 16 years-old, I felt anxious all the time. There was this constant knot in my stomach that never seemed to go away. My mind would race at night, making it nearly impossible to sleep. During the day, I would try to appear fine—going to school, hanging out with friends—but deep down, there was a sadness I couldn’t shake. I didn’t know then that these were early signs of Bipolar I disorder. No one talks about mental health in a way that connects with you when you’re young, especially when you grow up in a family where the focus is on getting through the day.

I was living in a home where my mother worked as a registered nurse and my father was an Ontario government real estate manager, providing stability for the family. We had recently moved from Scarborough to the Durham Region. My parents, like many immigrant families, focused on hard work and survival rather than emotions. Mental health was never a topic we sat around and discussed at the dinner table. And because I didn’t understand what I was going through, I dismissed it as “normal teenage stuff.”

But now, looking back, I wish I had known it wasn’t normal. That it was more than just mood swings. Anxiety and Depression were the first signs of something deeper that would unravel my mind in the years ahead.

The Long Road Ahead: It's a Lifelong Illness

One of the hardest truths I had to learn is that Bipolar I disorder is lifelong. It doesn’t go away. There is no “cure” or a quick fix. As a young woman, I held onto the hope that maybe if I could just get through the tough days, the rest would somehow fall into place. But what I didn’t realize is that the highs and lows would continue, and often get worse, if left untreated.

To my 16-year-old self, I wish I could say this: You are not broken, but this is going to be part of your life forever. It's not your fault, you were born with this chemical imbalance and it’s something you’ll have to learn to manage. This disorder will touch every part of your life—your relationships, your career, your body, and your mind. The sooner you learn about it, the better. The earlier you start managing it, the better your life will be.

For anyone facing a Bipolar I diagnosis, I encourage you to read my post, How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide. It’s a resource I wish I had back then, offering practical first steps in taking control of your mental health.

The Reality of Hospitalization

I also wish I had known that hospitalization would become a regular part of my life. As a teenager, I never could have predicted that I’d be in and out of psychiatric hospitals during my twenties and thirties. No one prepares you for the moments when your mind completely betrays you, when the Mania becomes so intense that hospitalization becomes your only option, for your safety and the safety of those around you. 

The first time I was hospitalized, I was terrified. It felt like I had lost control of everything—my mind, my body, my future. Being in a psychiatric ward, restrained, treated like I was dangerous—it was dehumanizing. I felt more like a chained animal than a person. The recovery from each manic episode took months, sometimes longer. The weight of it all was unbearable at times, and I wish I had known earlier that this was part of the reality of living with Bipolar I disorder.

To my younger self: Hospitalization is not a failure. It’s a safety net when you can’t trust your own mind. It’s a place to heal, even though it feels like a prison. And to anyone reading this now who has been hospitalized for mental illness, know that you are not alone, and that it doesn’t define your worth.

Childhood Trauma and Its Impact

I wish someone had told me sooner that my Bipolar I disorder was rooted in childhood trauma. Growing up, I didn’t understand how much my early experiences had shaped the way my brain developed. Trauma has a way of weaving itself into the fabric of who you are, influencing everything—from how you respond to stress to how you manage emotions.

The highs and lows I experienced weren’t just random; they were the result of deep-seeded wounds that had never been addressed. It took me years to understand that my mental health was tied to the trauma I experienced as a child. Trauma isn’t something that just goes away because you grow up. It follows you, and for many people like me, it becomes the foundation for mental illness.

If I could go back, I would tell my younger self: Heal the wounds from your past. Get help to unpack the trauma. Doing that earlier might have changed the course of your life.

The Double-Edged Sword of Medication

Medication is both a blessing and a curse. To this day, I take mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to keep my Bipolar I disorder in check. They help, but they come with their own set of challenges. The side effects can be brutal—weight gain, tremors, constant fatigue. Some days, it feels like the medication that’s supposed to make me better is also making me worse. But without it, I wouldn’t be stable.

To my 24-year-old self, just before I smoked that last joint, I wish I could have told you that the marijuana you were using to cope was only making things worse. Drugs like marijuana and cocaine exacerbated my Bipolar I disorder, throwing me into deeper and more dangerous manic episodes.

I wish I had known that the road to stability would involve so many trade-offs. The medication would save my life, but it would also change my body in ways I hadn’t anticipated.

For those struggling with medication management, I also recommend reading my post, Best Tools and Resources for Managing Bipolar Disorder in 2024. It’s important to find the right balance between treatment and quality of life.

Dangerous Manic Behaviors

Mania is seductive. It makes you feel invincible. During my twenties, I chased that high, not fully understanding how dangerous it was. My manic episodes put me in constant danger, both physically and emotionally. I took risks with my body, my money, and my relationships that I now look back on with disbelief.

I became sexually irresponsible, engaging in behaviors that I later regretted. I was financially reckless, spending money I didn’t have. And through it all, I was completely out of control of my mind. Mania is not just about feeling good—it’s about losing touch with reality.

To my 24-year-old self: You’re not invincible. Mania will take you to places you never imagined—places you may never recover from. Protect yourself. Learn to recognize the signs before you spiral out of control.

The Devastation of Depression

On the other side of Mania is Depression. If Mania felt like flying too close to the sun, Depression felt like falling into a pit I couldn’t climb out of. The depressive episodes that followed were so debilitating, I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t care about anything. They felt endless.

Depression wasn’t just sadness; it was a complete shutdown of my mind and body. It stole months of my life at a time, leaving me in a fog of hopelessness. Recovery from these episodes took everything out of me.

To my younger self: The lows will be dark, but you will survive them. Even when it feels like you can’t keep going, you can. You will come out on the other side, even when it feels impossible.

The Strain on Relationships

One of the hardest parts of living with Bipolar I disorder has been the strain it’s placed on my relationships. My family loves me, but they don’t always understand me. I know that some of them fear me, even though they care. My manic episodes scared them, and my depressive episodes made me a stranger to them.

I’ve exhausted my friends and alienate people I care about because of my illness. When you live with Bipolar I disorder, you often feel like you’re dragging the people around you through the mud. The weight of that guilt is something I carry with me every day.

To my younger self: Some people will leave, and it will hurt. But the people who stay will love you in ways you never imagined. And you will learn to forgive yourself for the strain you put on others.

Final Thoughts

If there’s anything I wish I had known before my Bipolar I disorder diagnosis, it’s that this journey isn’t a solitary one. You will feel isolated at times, and you will feel misunderstood, but there are people who understand—people who have walked this path before you.

You are not alone. And though Bipolar I disorder will be a part of your life forever, it doesn’t have to define you. There is hope, there is healing, and there is life beyond the diagnosis.

To my 16-year-old self: Don’t be afraid to ask for help. To my 24-year-old self: You’re about to go through hell, but you will come out stronger. And to anyone reading this who is struggling with mental illness: Hold on. The journey is long, but you are not alone and you are more than your diagnosis.