Onika L. Dainty

No one ever thinks about death when they are living. It’s only when death becomes imminent do we start to wonder what’s next? What happens after you die? Well, I am not God or any Higher Power, I don’t know if heaven exists but I’d like to believe so, and therefore I can’t answer the questions that plague our minds when we are faced with our mortality or the mortality of our loved ones. I can however tell you what happens to the people that are left behind, based on my lived experience with death and subsequently grief. They say there are five stages of grief: 

• Denial: a temporary response to a loss that helps you process it. 

• Anger: a natural response to loss that can be directed to numerous sources, even the individual that has passes

• Bargaining: a process where you make deals with yourself or others to feel better

• Depression: a natural response to loss that can feel like it will last forever. This response is often situational and not an indication of mental illness

• Acceptance: a stage where you learn to live with the loss and acknowledge the reality of it. 

Though I have experienced all five stages of grief due to loss, I also know that grief is a more complex process that often doesn’t fit or neatly follow the order suggested by the above five principles. When we grieve, we cry, we become numb, we go mad, we develop addictions to cope with the loss, we are sad and stuck in a seemingly never ending loop of painful memories and poignant regrets. We are still alive but a part of us dies with our loved one. We don’t laugh as hard, we don’t smile as much and our hearts break and are never the same again. I’ve experienced two deaths in my life that left me forever changed, that rocked my foundation to the core and I will share with you how grief affected my life, my choices, my mental health and how I found peace because the thing about grief that no one tells you is that you never fully recover, you never truly heal all you can hope for is that you find peace, joy and happiness again after your loved one passes because that is the true legacy they leave you.  

My Grandmother Alvira-December 30, 2004

My grandmother Alvira was my favorite person in the world and I was hers. She was mother to nine children and grandmother and great-grandmother to over 50 children produced by her offspring. She was 82-years old when God called her home and the day she died was the day I was born, the day I turned 22-years old. I was celebrating my 22nd birthday with friends in Ottawa, ON when I walked into my apartment to prepare for a New Year’s get together and my mother was in my living room, she had travelled four hours to tell me that Gran-Gan Alvira had died in Guyana the day before, the day I turned 22-years old. The scream that came out of my mouth originated in a soul-deep place full of pain and loss that only God knew existed and then I fainted. (Denial)

That moment, the moment my person died was the catalyst that turned my life in a different direction. At the funeral my family said things like, “She lived a full and blessed life” and “She’s with God in Heaven now” or “She’s not suffering with pain anymore.” The honest truth was I didn’t care, I was mad at them and at her for leaving me (Anger). My grandmother was more a mother to me than my own mother growing up. She took care of me when my mom  had to work long hours at the hospital, she made me laugh until I cried, she let me snuggle in her arms and play with the waddle under her neck, she taught me how to sing jazz music, she danced with me, she taught me how to be a good, kind, generous and gracious woman and when I went away to university we talked on the phone daily where she would emphasize that, “no one loved her the way I did.” She was my best friend, my person, my soulmate and when she died I lost my sense of identity, I lost my fire, my fight, my will to keep living.

After I returned to Ottawa to finish my final year of my degree program I was numb to everything and cared about nothing (Depression). I had already started using substances, specifically marijuana recreationally but the escape from reality it provided was too tempting to pass us so casual use became daily dependence. Although I managed to graduate with an honours degree it didn’t feel deserved and I could not muster up any excitement for my achievements, after all Gran-Gran wouldn’t be there to see me walk the stage. With my new bad habit and a complete lack of desire to move home where memories of her lurked everywhere I decided to stay in Ottawa and work. Truthfully, I only worked to support my habit. A year passed, then two and by May 2006 my life once again would forever change.

In May 2006 I had my first Manic-Psychotic episode and was hospitalized and diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder. What I know now that I didn’t know then was that the death of my grandmother wasn’t just the trigger that propelled me into the world of mental illness, it was the bullet and the gun. I spiralled out of control after my diagnosis, I continued to use, I had manic episode after manic episode and when I wasn’t manic I was deeply depressed. It was my cousin Kim, one of my grandmother’s other treasured granddaughters that pulled me out of the abyss. We went on daily walks by the lakeshore, she helped me find purpose again, I learned to laugh again with her, she became my greatest supporter in my mental health journey, She guided me through my grief, she reminded me all the lessons our grandmother taught us, we would dance and light a candle on my birthday to celebrate my life and Gran-Gran Alvira’s and without realizing it my heart began to heal and Kim became my person. 

My grandmother was not going to live forever (Acceptance). I grew to understand and accept that however, I will always be left to wonder if I didn’t have a substance use disorder, if I had managed my mental health better, If I didn’t isolate myself from the world, If I practiced self-care and gave myself grace, If I had more tools in my toolkit would I have been better equipped to handle the inevitable trigger of death, could I stop mania from consuming my brain, from drastically altering my mood, from wreaking pure havoc like it’s done in the past? If I were better equipped would my journey through madness have a different conclusion? 

Present Day

On November 20, 2024 my dearest cousin Kim, my big sister, my person died of Endometrial Cancer. She fought relentlessly and unapologetically, staying true to her Naturalist values and never allowing anyone, doctors, family or friends to dictate her course of treatment. She was positive until the very end and she truly believed God had a plan for her and every life she touched. The last time I saw her she was in her hospital bed and she was surrounded by love and prayers. She was watchful and quiet and serene with a glow on her face that made her look younger than her 55-years. I was told my Gran-Gran Alvira had that same glow, it was like a glow of peace, a glow of knowing that the time had come to go home to heaven and that is exactly where Kim was going to end up. Kim's kindness, generosity and grace had an effect on everyone who knew her. She was a mother, a sister, a granddaughter, an aunt, a cousin and a great friend to so many. She was my person and whether she knew it or not over the years of our sisterly-bond she prepared me for the inevitable moment she would no longer be able to walk my journey with me. 

I was asked to speak at her funeral nine days after she passed. That week and a half after Kim’s death I experienced a myriad of emotions from sorrow to anger to pain and regret and many tearfilled sleepless nights. Although I knew her death was imminent she had an unwavering belief that she would live, that God would give her her miracle as long as she kept fighting. I believed it too because I was simply unable to imagine a world without my big sister, my person, my best friend in it. So for my final goodbye I decided to recreate the world where we found comfort in each other, solace by the water and where I found healing because of her steadfast faith in me.

 Kim was a determined woman and she was determined to not give-up on me, she was determined to help her lost baby cousin whose potential shone through all the wreckage I often left in my wake. Her determination is the reason I stopped lying in my bed for days, weeks and months at a time when the depression over my deteriorating mental health became unbearable. Kim would gently insist we walk the Ajax lakeshore, taking in the fresh air and feeling the sun kiss our faces reminding me I was alive, all would be well in time, giving me hope and a never-ending feeling of gratitude.

When we finished our restorative walks by the waterfront, Kim would take me home and we would start the process of making vegan pancakes and apple preserves. I would chop the apples into thin slices while Kim would mix the magic that would create the most delicious pancakes I’ve ever tasted. We would listen to 90’s music and dance and sing around her kitchen. I’ve had several homes over the years and Kim always showed up with ingredients in hand ready to christen my kitchen with our signature dish.

When she was diagnosed in March 2024 with stage 4 cancer and made the decision not to participate in Western treatment methods like chemotherapy, radical surgery or radiation I was terrified for her. I knew very little about cancer or the various treatment options but I knew Kim and I knew she was determined to honour her body and the natural journey she had embarked on from childhood. I think it was in those early days that I began to grieve for my cousin. I experienced denial because of her age and how healthy she had always been. I was angry with God and Kim for putting me in a situation where I felt helpless. I simply could not comprehend her circumstances or control the outcome. I prayed every minute trying to bargain with God for her life and better health. When Kim was checked into the hospital for what would be the last time I fell into a deep depression and was unable to see or call her only communicating through short text messages (I feel regret over this low period). Acceptance came when I finally saw her for the last time and we looked at each other like we were memorizing our respective features, Kim smiled eyes wide and knowing, my eyes were filled with tears. I held her close and told her I loved her and that we would both be okay.

Final Thought

Unlike with my grandmother’s passing 20 years prior, I now have the tools, knowledge and understanding of myself  to prepare for grieving the loss of my dear cousin. I take my medication daily, when you read this entry I will be a year-plus sober from substances, I have built a structure, routine and habits that I live by, I practice self-care, I practice daily prayer and meditation, I exercise, I journal to self-reflect, I set boundaries that help me maintain mental wellness, I give myself space and grace to mourn, process and honour the people I’ve lost and I have a treasured level of self-awareness that I continue to develop when triggers like the tragedy of a loved one’s death become a part of my reality. I am still on my journey to wellness and better mental health but I know my cousin Kim, my biggest supporter, my greatest advocate, my big sister, my best friend and my forever person would be proud of the progress I’ve made.  

If you have experienced loss this year or ever, my heart and deepest condolences go out to you and your loved ones. Grief is a complex and winding road that will have you experiencing a gambit of up and down emotions. As I said earlier, you never truly heal from great loss, it's like trying to put a broken vase back together. Even when all the pieces are present, even if the final product you put together turns out to be beauty born of tragedy, the tragedy still exists and it’s imprinted on your heart and your mind. Once the passing of a loved one happens you are forever changed but you do not have to remain forever broken. One day, you find yourself smiling, then laughing and then moving forward into a better place where loss and pain no longer dictate your future. You make a choice to lean into the legacy of peace, love, joy and happiness your loved one has left for you and you find your way back from the darkness of grief to the light of hope.

What is Codependency?

Codependency is a learned behavior that involves an unhealthy attachment to another person or relationship. It occurs when one person believes it's their job to “save” another person by catering to all their needs. A codependent person builds their identity and self-worth around this purpose and practices enabling behaviors that places themselves and the other person in a seemingly never ending cycle of dependency. This often happens when one party struggles with addiction or mental health concerns and the codependent person tries to shield them from the consequences of their behaviour.

When a person is supporting another in a healthy way there are boundaries, honest communication and balance in the relationship. No one is trying to save anyone else, rather the supportive person practices compassion and empathy while letting the other individual know that they need to seek help for their issues or concerns. A supportive person is self-aware and uses their judgment to make decisions about stepping back for the sake of their own mental health. A healthy supportive person knows when to let go, an unhealthy codependent person does not. The main behaviours and character traits of a codependent person are as follows:

• Consistently elevating the needs of others above your own

• Controlling behavior

• Self-sacrificing behavior

• Fear of rejection

• Lack of Self-love

• Lack of Boundaries

• Lack of Self-care

• Low Self-esteem/self-worth

Recognizing Codependent Patterns: Personal Reflection

My mother and I had a codependent relationship dynamic. I practiced codependency in seeking her validation in all things creating an unhealthy attachment style from the time I was a teenager until I took stock of this negative personality trait. My mother was a nurse that worked 12 hour shifts almost every day, she had a family which included my little sister, my father and my grandmother (before she passed away), as well as a household to manage and she couldn’t do it all. I am the oldest daughter so a lot of household responsibilities fell on me. This might seem like normal daughterly duties I’m referring to but it was more complex than that. I wanted to take the burden off my mother, I needed to hear that I was a good daughter, that I was loved and a valued member of my family, so I took on the role of house manager and caregiver to my whole family including my mother. 

By the time I was 17-years-old, I was considering where to go for post-secondary education and the university I was interested in was 4 hours from home. I was terrified to leave my mother because it had become like second nature to manage the household while she took much needed rest from the demands of her nursing career. My mother and I were like the co-captains of a team with three other team members that depended on us  so if I left, who would take care of her and the rest of the team? I actually spoke to a child psychologist about my concerns and his advice was “just be a kid.” I had taken on the role of my family’s saviour for so long that I simply didn’t know how to just be a kid.  

When I went away to university I was struggling with my mental health after being diagnosed with Depression and Generalized Anxiety disorder, I didn’t know where I fit after walking away from the codependent role I had at home. I wasn’t getting the daily validation from my mother, I was struggling in school and I sought love and attention from the wrong people. I would end my university career as a heavy substance user and within a year of graduation I would have my first manic episode. This is the point that the codependency dynamic between my mother and myself would shift and she would spend over a decade enabling me and trying to save the formally reliable daughter she no longer recognized.

My mother is a devout Christian, believing if she did the right things for her mentally ill daughter then all would be well. She tried to “pray the cray away,” but in doing that ignored the reality of the experience I was having, which only served to frustrate and anger me, placing a wedge in our already fragile relationship. The way she enabled me the most was to clean up the chaos and destruction I caused during my manic episodes so I never fully realized the damage I was doing to myself and others. She also tended to deny my drug use usually because of an idealistic sense of false hope. She tried tough love, eventually stopping the daily visits and food delivery when I was in hospital or by kicking me out of the family home but she made it clear she was always there for me emotionally and financially. This is what codependency looks like. 

During the pandemic I moved back in with my parents after an eight year departure to Toronto and this was a mistake that became detrimental to my already fragile mental health. The cycle of codependency began again and I realized it had never stopped; we had just taken a much needed break. I lived with my parents for two years before I realized I needed to change my behaviours and habits to find balance in our relationship, so I left. I was 40-years-old and I knew I had to finally run away from home in order to find myself. I’m not saying this is the only way to break free from a codependent dynamic but I knew it's what I needed to do, I needed space to think, to breathe. I had to learn to manage my mental health, get my substance use under control and address my issues around self-love, my self-esteem and my self-worth. Only with all of these elements in-line could I communicate effectively with my mother and set boundaries that were definitive. 

Some of the resources I used to break-free from codependency:

• Mind Over Mood, Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy principles, change how you feel by changing how you think. 

• Codependency No More, Melody Beattie: Learn the root causes of codependency and the steps needed to heal yourself, including establishing boundaries, cultivating self-trust, and taking part in a supportive recovery community. 

• The Set Boundaries Workbook, Nedra Glover Tawwab: A step-by-step resource for setting, communicating, and reinforcing healthy boundaries at home, work and in life.

• The Self-Love Workbook, Shainna Ali: A life-changing guide to boosting self-esteem, recognize your worth and find genuine happiness.

Final Thoughts

After doing the work I needed on my journey of self-awareness I have compassion and empathy for my mother and family having experienced a lot related to my mental health and substance use. Although my mother still falls into codependent habits our dynamic has changed dramatically. I set boundaries with her and effectively communicate my feelings and needs nurturing a stronger, more balanced bond between us. Codependency is a state of mind that one can unlearn if you are willing to however, it's important to note that it's usually not an issue with the other person (they may have other concerns), the actual codependent dynamic lives inside you and will continue to affect your mental health and the health of your relationships if you don’t stop and take stock of your actions and the role you play in fostering this unhealthy behavior. One of the most important and difficult parts of healing broken relationships and ending the cycle of codependency is self-reflection and the development of self-awareness. Remember you are not alone in your journey and everyday is an opportunity to do something you’ve never done before. So go forth and find your independence from  codependency.

The thing about toxic people is that they can sense vulnerability in others because they themselves lack positive characteristics that allow for stable and supportive friendships. Below are some characteristic of Toxic Friends:

• Lack of Trust: a toxic friend might gossip about  intimate details of your life with other people. You may also notice a toxic friend spends a lot of time gossiping about other friends, romantic partners or family members in their lives

• Manipulation: a toxic friend might use manipulation to get what they want from you. This manipulation can come in the form of guilt, shame or excessive compliments toward you.

• Jealousy: a toxic friend might be jealous of your other relationships and try to put a wedge between you and them. They may also be jealous of some aspect of your personality or lifestyle and might practice passive aggressive criticism to put you down.

• One-sided relationship: you might find yourself giving a disproportionate amount of time, emotional support or money to a toxic friend and receiving very little support in return.

• Lack of Boundaries: a toxic friend might ignore your boundaries or have no boundaries of their own. For example, not respecting your time boundaries by expecting you to be available to them whenever they call. 

• Trauma Bonding: if you and your toxic friend share similar past traumas you may find yourself becoming each others counselor and confidant instead of seeking professional help

• Substance use: a toxic friend might encourage you to use substances with them. Ultimately, the decision is always yours but the continued presence and pressure of substance use can take you down a dangerous road. 

I’ve written about Manic Love, falling into obsessive love in Mania,  but there is also the concept of  Manic Friendship, developing friendship bonds with other people with mental illness and substance use disorder. This quite possibly is one of the most toxic friendships that a Bipolar person can engage in. When you are experiencing symptoms of Bipolar disorder like hypo-mania, impulsivity, disorganized thinking and for me substance use entering into a new friendship with someone who has similar and unchecked symptoms is extremely dangerous to your mental health and future stability. 

Once, I reconnected with a woman who had serious substance use issues and unmanaged mental illness. I was dealing with losing my job due to the pandemic, the end of a toxic relationship with someone I met online and extreme isolationism and depression. When this new person entered into my already unstable world it turned into pure chaos. It began with trauma bonding over the death of her mother and led to almost daily use of cocaine which at the time was not my drug or choice but quickly became the substance we shared during long nights of commiseration and conversations filled with manic dreams for our future.

This on-going toxic friendship only served to exacerbate my emerging Bipolar Mania and diminish my already low self-worth. The friendship always felt one-sided with me supporting her emotionally through whatever imagined drama she usually created for herself, I was left feeling used and emotionally drained. Besides her substance use she participated in other risky behaviors like precarious sexual relationships, excessive spending sprees and self-harming activities all of which she looked to me for support and encouragement. Because of my need to please her and to maintain the friendship I couldn’t see how much of my own identity I had lost or how fast I was falling into manic-psychosis.

 I was no longer managing my mental health, I was no longer thriving or surviving, I was just lost. I blame myself for the state I was in not her though, we were two women with substance use issues and mental illness in a codependent cycle neither one of us knew how to end. For me the breaking point came after a full year of chaos when my mind finally broke and she wasn’t there. After everything that had gone on in this toxic friendship I expected someone who was unwell to save me from my unwellness and that was both unfair and unrealistic. 

If you are entangled in a toxic friendship here are some things to ask yourself:

• What’s my personal definition of a toxic friend? 
• How is this relationship adding value to my life?
• How does being around this person make me feel?
• How has this friendship changed me in good or bad ways?
• Who are the people who are still in my life affected by this friendship?
• Do I like myself when I’m with this person?

Make a pros and cons list around these questions and if the negatives outway the positives start taking the necessary steps to change your circumstance.

Final Thoughts

I realized during my journey of healing and recovery that the attachment I felt to this toxic friend was based on all the fears I mentioned earlier in this article. We were so similar in everything but we were never the same. I have always fought for my mental health and placed value in my wellness and recovery. I have goals and objectives for my future and spending time with her allowed me to forget and just take a break from my own reality. Having toxic people in your life is a choice not an inescapable circumstance. Sometimes communicating your needs, concerns and setting boundaries will insight change and detoxify your friendship but remember, even though everyone has the capacity to change, people do not always change at the same time or pace. I found it necessary because of the nature of my toxic friendship to do a Friend Detox: no calls, texts or social media contact. Essentially I no longer consider her a friend. 

I have made a lot of positive changes in my life since that time, I have made new and healthy friendships that speak to my vision and values for my future, I am proudly sober and in remission from symptoms of my Bipolar disorder. My primary goals are to continue to care for myself and my mental health. I have no room for toxic relationships that are a threat to my progress and peace. I affirm myself with daily positive acts of self-care, self-compassion and self-love forgiving myself for choices I made when I was in a hopeless place. If I feel like I’m engaging in a toxic friendship I seek the advice of the healthy friends in my support circle who remind me of my worth even when I forget. Like I said, if you are toxic you are not on my team.

Understanding Bipolar Disorder in Women

Bipolar disorder is a complex mental health condition characterized by extreme mood swings, including emotional highs (Mania or Hypomania) and lows (Depression). As a woman, I have experienced the unique symptoms and manifestations of Bipolar disorder, which can complicate diagnosis and treatment. Statistics show that while Bipolar disorder affects both genders, we women are more likely to experience depressive episodes and rapid cycling between moods. Understanding these differences is essential for addressing the specific challenges we face.

Barriers to Accessing Mental Healthcare

Stigma and Misunderstanding

One of the most significant barriers we face is the stigma associated with mental health issues. Society often devalues individuals with mental illness, making us feel alienated and shameful for seeking help. I’ve encountered this firsthand. I once shared my struggles with my mental health, only to be told, “Oh Onika! Don’t be so dramatic. Just put on some lipstick, bake a cake, and you will be fine!” Such dismissive attitudes can deter women from pursuing the help we desperately need.

Financial Challenges

In an ideal world, all mental healthcare would be free; however, this is not the case. In Canada, while our government subsidizes mental healthcare services, we often face long waitlists for psychiatrists and overcrowded emergency rooms. For those of us without insurance, the financial burden of private therapy can add another layer of difficulty. I’ve learned that being patient yet persistent in seeking free or low-cost resources can make a significant difference in our journey toward mental wellness.

Cultural Factors

Growing up in a Guyanese household, I experienced pressure to endure my struggles without seeking professional help. When I finally sought help as a teenager, I found myself feeling alone in my journey, even with my mother’s support. Later, when I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, my mom tried to “pray the cray away” instead of helping me navigate the complex mental healthcare system. Cultural beliefs can create barriers that hinder our ability to advocate for our mental health needs, making it crucial to raise awareness and foster understanding within families and communities.

The Role of Support Systems

Building a strong support system is vital for women navigating mental healthcare. This support doesn’t always have to come from family; trusted friends or mentors can provide the guidance and understanding we need. I am fortunate to have a mental health mentor who has been my fiercest advocate, helping me navigate the healthcare system when I can’t advocate for myself. Having someone who understands our challenges can empower us, making us feel less isolated and more capable of pursuing the care we need.

Navigating Treatment Options

Accessing mental healthcare is just one part of our journey. It is essential to have a comprehensive treatment plan that includes therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes. Women with Bipolar disorder benefit from personalized treatment plans that consider our unique needs. Although I prefer face-to-face interactions, I recognize the growing importance of telehealth services in reducing wait times and increasing accessibility to care.

Strategies for Improving Access to Care

Advocacy is crucial for improving mental healthcare access. We need to work together to push for policy changes that enhance mental health resources and services. Community-based programs that address our specific needs can play a vital role in creating supportive environments. Additionally, providing resources to help us navigate the healthcare system effectively is essential in promoting better access to care.

Final Thoughts

Access to mental healthcare for women with Bipolar disorder is fraught with challenges that can significantly impact our well-being. By understanding these barriers and advocating for better resources and support, we can improve the mental health landscape for ourselves and others. It’s time to start having conversations that take us beyond the stigma so we can enhance access to care, and empower those affected by Bipolar disorder. The road we must walk is full of barriers to change but if we come together as a community of like-minded supporters of mental health advocacy change will surely come. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for support—remember you are not alone on this journey to mental wellness.

Coming Soon

I have also decided to share with you the lessons that inspired me to be fearless and relentless in my pursuit of happiness and success. I will be posting the life lessons that have shaped and influenced my personal growth and development. A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection: 42 Years of Lessons series begins on December 30, 2024, my 42nd Birthday. It is my hope that these lessons will touch your lives and inspire positive change on your journey to wellness.