Disclosing My Mental Illness: When and How I Share

When I was a guest on the CBC docuseries “You Can’t Ask That: Season 2” in 2020 viewers anonymously  asked questions about living with Bipolar disorder that were personal and very thought provoking. One of the questions asked of me was “would you disclose your mental illness on a first date?” This was several years ago when I actually wasn’t actively dating and my response was the following: “I disclose my condition on the first date, right away. I mean Bipolar is tattooed on my arm, I have no desire to hide who I am or what I have. If they don’t like it they can leave. I don’t want someone who doesn’t accept me.”

I was pretty proud of my answer but a few years later I actually started dating and realized although transparency in dating is important for building trust between you and a potential partner it's also important to show caution when revealing something deeply personal about yourself. With all its complex layers Bipolar disorder is not a condition that can be explained over a dinner date or sitting in a movie theatre or in a text stream. Honesty and trust are foundational pillars of every good and longlasting relationship but honesty and trust is a two-way street that takes time to build. Before you walk down the road of transparency and reveal the details of your mental health journey ask yourself the following questions:

• How much does my potential partner have knowledge and understand about the world of mental health and mental illness? Are they open to learning?

• How transparent has my potential partner been with me?

• Does my potential partner show compassion and empathy toward others?

• What kind of communicator is my potential partner?

• Is my potential partner a good listener?

• Does my potential partner have any personal experience with mental illness (parent, sibling or friend dealing with mental illness)?

Disclosing Your Mental Illness: Some Things to Consider 

Once you can confidently answer the above questions about your potential partner you can then make an informed decision on whether or not to disclose your condition in a way that will foster support, understanding and open-communication between you and your potential partner. Some things to consider before disclosing your mental illness:

• Timing is Everything: Choose and set aside a reasonable amount of time to have a serious discussion about both your and your potential partner’s mental health journey. Allow time for information processing and questions. Avoid times where your potential partner can’t be present in the moment, is preoccupied with a task or is under stress. It's always a good idea to tell your potential partner you want to discuss something important and ask to schedule time to have an in-person conversation.

• Environment is Key: Choose a space that you feel comfortable, relaxed and safe having this challenging discussion and where your potential partner can feel comfortable receiving the information. For example, sitting in your car by a lake will give you more privacy than a noisy coffee shop or restaurant.

• Do Your Research: By now you know the cycle of your Bipolar disorder but how well do you know Bipolar disorder generally? Start with the basics, what the illness is classified as, the different types, elements of Bipolar disorder (depression, anxiety, hypomania, Mania and Psychosis) and symptoms of an episode (hyper-spending, pressured speech, disorganized thinking, hyper-sexuality). Remember your potential partner may know nothing about this mental health condition so it will be up to you to be the educator.

• Use Positive Language: When speaking on Bipolar disorder use neutral or positive language for example “I live with and manage Bipolar I disorder” instead of “I am Bipolar.” Avoid words like “unstable,” “psychotic” or “crazy.” Use positive recovery based language when describing your experiences, terms like “overcome” or “actively maintain” or “wellness journey” that emphasize your struggle but also emphasize your recovery and management of this complex illness. 

• Share Feelings and Fears: Be transparent about your feelings, struggles and challenges in your mental health journey. Share where you are currently at in your Bipolar management. Share what's in your self-care toolkit but also share your fears about the future outcome of the disclosure conversation. Showing your vulnerability may be challenging but taking the steps to foster open and honest communication around your mental illness can promote confidence, self-compassion, self-love and self-awareness regardless of the results of disclosing your experiences with mental illness. 

• Space to Process: Disclosure can be an intense experience so it's important to allow your potential partner to process their feelings and fears without judgment. Give yourself and your potential partner grace and space to allow for whatever is going to happen next in your relationship. Ask your potential partner to write down any questions or concerns they may have about your mental illness and the future of your relationship. Allow your potential partner the time they need to consider your disclosure and ask the questions that may come up in the processing phase. Again, choose a neutral, quiet and safe space to continue the conversation when both pirates have had time to reflect.   

Final Thoughts

Disclosing your mental health status can be challenging for both individuals. When you are in the early phases of dating someone there are a lot of hopes and expectations for the direction the potential relationship can go. There are also the fears and anxieties that your potential partner won’t be receptive to your mental illness. In my experiences with dating I realize now that my disclosure plan to share right away is based on my personal fears of rejection and lack of trust that my potential partner will not accept me. However, over the years I have experienced both personal growth and self-awareness which have taught me that I am not my mental illness, Bipolar disorder doesn’t define or overshadow the wonderful things about my personality or what I have to offer in a dating relationship. 

Therefore, I have become more discerning about the process of disclosure and transparency. Instead of blurting out my diagnosis on day one, I show patience and give my potential partner grace to get to know who I am as a person, not just as a person with a mental illness. There is no guarantee that they will want to continue with the dating relationship once all is revealed but I allow both of us an opportunity to learn about each other, our values, ambitions, personality traits. There have been instances where I made the decision that a potential partner was not a match for me based on what I discovered in the dating process which saved me the trouble of disclosing. Remember your dating experience is yours to navigate in the way that best suits you and best protects your mental health and wellness.

When you are dealing with a challenging mental illness like Bipolar disorder and you are entering a dating relationship it is important to be transparent and have trust in yourself and your potential partner that disclosure will go in a positive direction. It is also important to build that trust and foster understanding before revealing an aspect of your mental health that for most people is deeply personal and often associated with difficult past experiences. Give yourself time in your dating dynamic to grow and develop a bond based on trust, connection and mutual understanding. 

Finally, if you feel you are not ready to disclose your mental health status to a potential partner, consider whether or not you are ready to engage in the more challenging aspects of a relationship like honesty, trust and open-communication. Remember, disclosure of your mental illness is a deeply personal choice and only you can decide how to navigate the dating pool. Regardless of the outcome of disclosure of your mental illness in a dating relationship its important that you recognize how challenging and emotional the process of transparency can be, so if you do decide to journey down the path dating and disclosure remember to feel proud of your decision be honest with your potential partner and the bravery it takes to be open about your mental health journey which will always result in positive outcomes for the future of your relationships.  

Bipolar I disorder is a mood disorder characterized by extreme highs (hypomanic, manic and psychotic episodes) and extreme lows (depressive episodes). When you have Bipolar disorder you are not always aware of how your illness affects the way you relate to the people in your life. Family, friendships, personal and work relationships all take on a different meaning under the lens of mental illness especially a mood disorder like Bipolar. Characterized by fluctuating moods Bipolar disorder can make it difficult to manage and ultimately maintain positive relationships especially during manic or depressive episodes. The unpredictability of the illness can be exhausting for the people involved in your life, like a never-ending rollercoaster with unpredictable emotional twists and turns that leave others feeling burnt out and pessimistic about the future of the relationship.

My Relationship Journey

I’ve written about romantic relationships (Manic Love) and toxic friendships but I have yet to address the close relationships that have been challenged and put to the test due to the ups and downs I experience during my manic phases. These connections both family and friends have been placed under pressure on countless occasions due to my Bipolar episodes made even more severe by substance use. My family and friends stood by my side as long as they were able but eventually had to let me go to find my way back to myself and to them. It wasn’t only my mental health that was at risk, it was also their mental health that was being affected by my unpredictable behavior. 

When I am in the midst of an episode there is always a risk that I will lose the people in my life whether temporary or permanent, this is the consequence of the chaos Bipolar I disorder brings. Whether it's a work, family or friend relationship in Mania I’m unrecognizable and extremely difficult to deal with leaving people feeling tired and hopeless in our interactions. I’ve been fired from jobs due to misunderstandings during episodes my employer didn’t even know I was experiencing. 

My friends have walked away from me because they were overwhelmed and needed to prioritize themselves. I’ve gotten into explosive arguments with family members while manic forcing them to retreat from my life. Then there are those relationships that have lasted through all my Bipolar trials, these people have never given up on me regardless of the condition I find myself in. So, how have I managed to keep the few in the face of losing so many? Open and honest communication, understanding and empathy and respecting boundaries.

Open and Honest Communication

Communication is one of the most important pillars in a healthy relationship dynamic. Being open and honest with family and friends about your mental health struggles is key to maintaining transparency on your journey to wellness. I have had challenges being honest about my mental illness and substance use with friends and family over the years. There is a lot of shame, guilt and stigma surrounding mental illness that made it difficult to express what I was experiencing especially once the symptoms of Bipolar took over an already fragile and fearful mind. 

I didn’t want to be judged, I didn’t want to be disliked but mostly I didn’t want the people I loved to walk away from me if I opened up about how broken I felt inside. In my Mania, although I seemed fearless, the fear of abandonment ran deep and I hid behind a facade made of lies and half-truths. I finally came to the realization that the person in my relationships that I most needed to be open and honest with about my struggle with mental illness was myself.

By pretending nothing was wrong and I was okay I did a disservice to my loved ones and myself. When chaos would finally erupt inside me I would be equally as surprised as everyone around me. I could never predict my episodes because there was a part of me that believed if I acted the right way, said all the right things, had a good and stable job I could hide from my friends and family the fact that I was neither good nor stable, I was struggling internally and teetering on the edge of self-destruction. When I finally started being honest with myself, when I let go of the fear, shame, guilt and self-loathing it was easy to start being honest and open with those around me. Self-acceptance and self-compassion led to a dialogue with my friends and family that fostered a relationship full of understanding, empathy, patience and overwhelming support. 

Understanding and Empathy

When I became a Peer Support Specialist I vowed to share my experiences around mental illness and the mental healthcare system in hopes that my story would foster understanding and empathy in others. Since I began my mental health  journey I have experienced the stigma that caused people struggling with mental illness to stay locked inside themselves because oftentimes they feel misunderstood especially by those closest to them. I empathize with this feeling as I was once there. 

When you have a shared history with someone either a close friend or a family member, they have a perception of who you are based on their lifelong experiences with you. When you introduce mental illness like Bipolar disorder which has the power to change your entire personality, their perceived ideas about you go out the window, essentially they cease to understand who you are or who you have become in your illness. 

It is up to you to help them reframe their perceptions and inspire empathy and understanding for a circumstance they see but still can’t imagine. So, I focus on educating the people closest to me, my friends and family so they have a better understanding of my illness, my behavior when experiencing symptoms and how they can support me through my turbulent episodes. However, even with new found wisdom, understanding and empathy these relationships will continue to be tested without  setting boundaries that protect both our mental health and strengthen our relationship during a manic phase.     

Respecting Boundaries

My family and friends have had to set some hard limits with me over the years. The truth is when I’m unwell, specifically in Mania I tend to violate my loved ones boundaries though unintentionally I cross their time boundaries, for example contacting them at all hours of the day and night, as well as their emotional boundaries, often calling in extreme distress or incoherent and uncontrollable tears that they are simply not equipped to deal with. 

I’ve learned over the years that crossing boundaries such as these is extremely difficult for my family and friends and causes strain on their mental health as well as their ability to provide me with continued support. So, when I experience wellness I use open communication with my loved ones and ask honest questions like,

“What are your limits of support when I’m unwell and what can I do to make sure you feel supported during an episode?” 

“Do you prefer I text you while I’m experiencing an episode with updates on my progress?”

“Do you want to be an active member of my support circle which includes daily phone calls and home or hospital visits?”

Although some of these questions come with difficult answers, they are all built around love, support and mutual respect. Sometimes the only way my family and friends can support me is by stepping back from what can be an extremely overwhelming, often stressful and usually volatile experience. In my journey however, I’ve been fortunate to have a close connection with someone who has stuck by my side regardless of how rough the waters get. 

My mental health mentor has been a part of my journey for almost 17 years,  she is my greatest supporter, acting as friend, family, advisor, advocate and substitute decision maker while I’m hospitalized. She is knowledgeable not only about my mental illness but also resources in my community. She is listed as my emergency contact for Wellness Checks and she manages my home and finances when I’m unwell. But even she and I have developed boundaries over the years that make our relationship mutually beneficial, strengthened our bond and fostered unconditional love and support. 

I also have friends and family members  that I know will answer my distress calls when I’m in need. On my call tree they are listed as my 2 minute, 5 minute and 30 minute team calling my back in those windows of time when I leave an S.O.S message or text. My college roommate (5 minute friend) has pulled her car full of three children and husband over when I send out the signal because she has been a part of this journey from the beginning and our shared history gives her an understanding of how much her continued support means to me. Again, because over the years we have developed good boundaries she knows that if I cross one with a phone call at an inconvenient time I really need her support. 

My little cousin (he’s in his early 40s) is my 2 minute responder. He has firsthand experience with the destruction I can cause in my home in manic-psychosis and has had to keep me on the line while calling 9-1-1 for a Wellness Check and subsequent hospitalization. Boundaries between us are very important but he too realizes if I’m crossing a time boundary for example, his first questions when he picks up are “Are you OK?Are you safe?” Because he has also been on this journey with me for a long time, he has empathy and understanding when I’m severely struggling.   

Final Thoughts

Managing and maintaining relationships when dealing with a serious mental illness like Bipolar disorder, is not easy. I’ve had to learn some hard lessons about how to conduct myself in my relationships with family and friends and also manage the pendulum of mood swings that characterize Bipolar I disorder. I’ve lost a lot of connections along this journey to wellness, some I called friends and others were members of my family. The saying “Some people are in your life for a reason and others are there for a season,” resonates with me as those that have lasted the test of Bipolar disorder giving my unconditional love and support even when I was at my worse are the individuals that God truly gifted to me knowing I couldn’t walk this road alone. 

For the individuals I only had a season with, you are loved, missed and appreciated for the lessons you taught me about myself and how to value the people that are still in my life. To the relationships that might still have life and love left in them again you are loved, missed and appreciated and I hope one day we will find our way back to each other and rebuild on a foundation based on honesty, mutual respect, empathy and understanding, boundaries and unconditional love. 

Women like me, navigating both the chaos of Mania and the scars of gender-based violence (GBV), live at an intersection where trauma and mental illness collide. This space is isolating, painful, and often misunderstood. But it is also a space where healing, resilience, and transformation are possible. By sharing my journey, I hope to offer insight, solidarity, and a reminder that even in the most complex struggles, recovery is within reach.

Understanding Bipolar Disorder and Mania Through Lived Experience

What It Means to Live With Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder isn’t just about feeling “up” and “down”—it’s an all-consuming condition that distorts how you think, feel, and behave. In manic episodes, my mind would race faster than I could process, leading to reckless decisions and putting me in situations I’d never choose if I were stable. The highs felt intoxicating, but they came with devastating consequences.

Mania and Vulnerability

During one manic episode, I found myself in an unfamiliar, unsafe environment where I was assaulted again. In the haze of Mania, I couldn’t process what had happened. Even now, in moments of clarity, that trauma feels locked away, detached from my emotions. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt—it’s that it’s stored in a part of me that feels unreachable. This is the reality of experiencing trauma during Mania: it fragments, leaving you to carry the weight of something you can’t fully unpack.

The Impact of Gender-Based Violence (GBV) on Bipolar Women

Trauma as a Catalyst

Bipolar disorder doesn’t come out of nowhere. In my case, the chemical imbalance was always there, but the unaddressed trauma from my childhood and adolescence acted as a catalyst. The anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation stemming from gender-based violence (GBV) lit the fuse that triggered my Bipolar disorder.

For women with Bipolar disorder, trauma doesn’t just coexist with the condition—it amplifies it. During depressive episodes, the shame and fear of past violence can feel suffocating. During Mania, boundaries blur, leaving you vulnerable to further harm. It’s a cycle that feels impossible to escape without help.

The Numbers Tell a Story

Women with mental health conditions like Bipolar disorder are at an alarmingly higher risk of experiencing gender-based violence (GBV)—seven times more likely, to be exact. These numbers reflect the grim reality that mental illness makes us targets, and trauma leaves us grappling with symptoms that demand attention but are too often ignored.

Co-Occurring Disorders: The Double Burden

The Compounding Effects of Trauma and Bipolar Disorder

For years, I tried to numb the pain through substances. Cannabis became my crutch—a way to quiet the memories, fears, and guilt. But instead of healing, I developed a dependency that worsened my Bipolar symptoms. Substance use and unaddressed trauma often go hand in hand, creating a cycle of self-destruction that feels inescapable.

The Body Remembers

Even when my mind tried to forget, my body held onto the trauma. I’d experience panic attacks, flashbacks, and a deep sense of unease in intimate situations. Trauma isn’t just a mental health issue; it’s a full-body experience that requires holistic healing.

Finding Support and Reclaiming Power

Leaning on Others

I used to think I had to face my trauma alone. But over time, I learned the value of building a support network, even if they didn’t fully understand my experiences. Opening up to friends, family, and mental health professionals became a lifeline.

Professional Resources That Changed My Life

Therapy was a turning point. Programs like the Ontario Shores Trauma-Treatment and Recovery Program and the Women’s College Hospital Trauma Therapy Program gave me the tools to confront my trauma head-on. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) and trauma-informed care helped me unpack my past and build healthier coping mechanisms.

Coping Strategies for Navigating Mania and Trauma

Healing Is Messy, But Worth It

Recovery isn’t linear, and it isn’t perfect. There were days I felt like giving up, but I kept going. These strategies have helped me:

• Journaling: Writing allowed me to process my thoughts and emotions, especially during manic episodes.

• Mindfulness Practices: Grounding exercises helped me stay present, even when flashbacks threatened to overwhelm me.

• Forgiveness: I had to forgive myself—not for what happened, but for the ways I coped, the mistakes I made, and the shame I carried. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the trauma, but it lightens the burden.

Advocacy and Awareness: Changing the Narrative

Speaking Out for Change

For too long, women like me have been silenced by stigma and shame. But our stories matter. By advocating for mental health awareness and pushing for better resources, we can create a world where survivors feel seen and supported.

Building a Safer Future

Advocacy isn’t just about individual healing—it’s about systemic change. We need trauma-informed mental health care, accessible support systems, and safe spaces where survivors can share their experiences without fear of judgment. By opening up about our trauma to individuals and organizations that can effect change we are not only exhibiting resilience in our journey to healing but giving other survivors of trauma a voice and reassurance that there support, empathy and understanding in spaces where previously we didn’t feel confidence in. 

Final Thoughts

Living at the intersection of Mania and trauma has been the hardest fight of my life, but it’s also been my greatest teacher. I’ve learned resilience, self-compassion, and the power of community. Healing doesn’t erase the pain, but it transforms it, allowing you to move forward with strength and purpose.

If you’re reading this and feeling trapped by your trauma or mental health struggles, please know you’re not alone. There is hope, and there is help. Reach out, speak up, and take that first step toward reclaiming your life.

You are stronger than your pain. Together, we can break the silence and build a future where healing is possible for all of us. Remember there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel and there is definitely sunshine after the rain.