Onika L. Dainty

The Challenges of Dating: Women’s Experiences with Bipolar Disorder

Love, Relationships and Bipolar Disorder Series - Part 5

When entering into a dating dynamic it's easy to neglect the principles of mental health and wellness that are important to managing your Bipolar disorder. Dating comes with new and unknown elements that can have either positive or challenging outcomes for the already established regime that women create for managing their mental illness. In this article I will explore why it's important to maintain structure, routine and habits while dating, how to balance self-care and relationship commitments and tools and resources that can be helpful for having a positive dating experience. 

Maintaining Stability: Structure, Routine and Habits While Dating

Establishing structure, routine and good habits are crucial when managing Bipolar disorder. Important practices like having an organized living space, good sleep and personal hygiene can be important to how you function in your mental health and in your new dating dynamic. Bipolar disorder and the mood shifts that come with the illness may be affected in a negative way if you are unable to maintain and manage the norms you establish for yourself prior to introducing a potential partner into your world. 

Dating can be filled with experiences and emotions that you are required to navigate. So it's key that you maintain your equilibrium by continuing to create structure, routine and habits that allow you to manage the often unknown challenges that can come with dating a potential partner. Women who have Bipolar disorder can feel a gambit of strong emotions while going through the dating experience similar to women who do not deal with mental illness. It's important to establish a self-care tool kit for dating before your emotional wellness is tested. 

Here are some suggestions for what you may include in your Dating Self-Care Tool-Kit:

• Journaling: writing can help you process any mood swings or emotional irregularities that may arise when dating a potential partner. Journaling daily about your dating experiences and the feelings connected to them can help you decide if you want to continue the relationship or take a break to focus on your needs or personal goals.

• Meditation: listening to calming meditation music before or after a date or before bed can help calm and center your mind bringing back balance and focus on the things you want to achieve in your life and relationships.

• Music: Listening to your favorite music playlist can evoke feelings of joy and happiness allowing you to express your emotions in a healthy way. Singing-a-long or dancing to the beat of music acts as a release for pent up emotions and can bring you back to a more balanced state of mind. 

• Exercise: a daily exercise routine can release the feel-good chemicals your brain needs to maintain good mental health. Whether it’s yoga, walking or high-intensity cardio, taking the time to address your physical needs with exercise is a great way to refocus, reset and reframe your thoughts, feelings and emotions.  

• Nutrition: Eating a wholesome and balanced meal can give you the energy you need to face either positive or negative challenges in your dating experience. Sometimes indulging in comfort foods like mac and cheese or chocolate may be just what you need to feel good  but it’s important to remember not to overindulge as this could lead to unhealthy patterns and behaviours related to managing challenging feelings in your potential relationship. 

• Medication Management: It’s important to continue to manage your medication regime during the dating experience. Taking your medication as prescribed will ensure they continue to be a benefit to your mental health and mood stability.  Maintaining balance in your mental illness is essential to positive outcomes in both your daily life and your dating life.

• Therapy/Counselling: talking to your therapist or councillor can help you manage the difficult up and down emotions that can come with dating. Being open with your healthcare professionals as well as your support team can foster open communication with your potential partner. Being able to express yourself about the dating process with a professional can assist in navigating the more challenging emotions that come with dating.   

• Stay Grounded: practice grounding techniques like breathing exercises or walking in nature can help manage the strong emotions that can come up while dating. Another practice that has recently been suggested for staying grounded is walking or standing barefoot outside or inside your home. There is a school of thought that suggests connecting with the earth or “earthing” can reduce stress, improve sleep, ease anxiety and enhance mood. 

 Resources and Support in Your Community or Online

If you are considering starting to date and are concerned about the challenges you may face due to mental illness below are a few resources that may help:

Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Science: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT); Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)  Group Program- Outpatient referral and self-referral programs.  

Center for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH)- Mental Health 101, Bipolar Disorder: Information Guide-Free tutorial 

Durham Mental Health Service (DMHS)-Community Support Programs; Peer Support Services. Outpatient referral and Self-referral. 

Apps That Support Dating with Mental Illness

NoLongerLonely: app focuses on connecting singles with mental issues, allowing people to openly disclose their issues. 

Hinge and OKCupid: these apps increasingly encourage people to discuss their mental health issues through profile prompts and features that facilitate these conversations. 

Final Thoughts

Like most things in life worth trying, dating will come with its own unique challenges. One of the key ways of dealing with challenges is being prepared for both positive or negative outcomes. Having a Dating Self-Care Tool-Kit is a great way to enter the world of potential relationships. Self-care is essential to maintaining good mental health therefore when embarking on the journey of dating it's important to have the tools you require to manage your Bipolar disorder. Maintaining structure, routine and habit during your dating life is also a great way to ensure your mood and emotions remain stable. Remember, you are not alone in your journey to love so lean on your support team, healthcare professionals and use the resources that are available to have the best dating experience possible. 

Remember, “the best dates are the ones that surprise us,” so I’m wishing all my readers lots of great surprises in your dating adventures. Happy Valentine’s Day.  

Love, Relationships and Bipolar Disorder Series - Part 4

One of the most difficult and emotional aspects of a relationship is when it ends. When you struggle with a mood condition like Bipolar disorder it can be even more challenging to find your balance after a break-up, whether you are the one to end the relationship or it's the other party's decision. Breakups fall under the category of trauma and can trigger mood swings and intensify emotions. It is important to use your mental health tool kit to manage the myriad of feelings such as sadness, shame, guilt, anger, regret or pain that may plague your mind during this difficult process. 

Managing Your Mental Illness While Dealing with a Breakup: Coping Mechanisms

Managing your Bipolar disorder can be difficult on a good day. But how do you manage a mood disorder with a major element of emotional dysfunction when you are faced with the end of a romantic relationship that has the potential to send you spiraling into mood swings and emotional chaos? 

The following is a list of healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with a breakup:

• Allow Yourself to Feel Your Emotions: breakups are similar to the grieving process after a loved one passes. It's okay to feel your feelings whether they range from sadness to guilt or anger. It's also okay to let your emotions out in a healthy way like crying for a period of time. It's important to remember that whatever feelings you are experiencing are real and valid.  It's also important to process then let go of the difficult emotions and move forward into a more positive headspace.

• Talk to Someone: one of the most productive ways to get through a break-up is communicating your thoughts and feelings about the situation to a close friend, a loved one or in therapy or counseling. Use your support system when you are struggling with difficult emotions as they could have ideas on how to move forward, use empathic language to encourage you, share their own lived experience with break-ups or simply just be there to listen or be a sounding board. 

• Social Media Detox: One of the biggest challenges when dealing with a difficult break-up is the presence of the other party on your social media channels. It's been recommended to me in the past to do a 30-day social media cleanse where you limit access to all accounts that may be related to the other party (i.e. their friends or loved ones), limit access to any photographs or videos that may trigger difficult emotions.This may be hard at first but it allows you the time you need to process the break-up and ultimately heal and move forward.

• Set Boundaries: You may find yourself in a situation where there is still contact via phone or text between yourself and the other individual involved in the break-up. These unhealthy behaviours only serve to prolong the process of moving forward and can leave you stuck in the mindset that the break-up is temporary. It is important to communicate before the end of a relationship the reasons why you two are not suited.  

Once this communication has occurred, set boundaries expressing your need for emotional and physical space to heal and move forward. In other words, if you are in the midst of a break-up likely there is a reason and setting healthy boundaries will give you the opportunity to take care of your mental health and prepare yourself for future connections.     

• Self-Care: Practicing self-care is a great way to manage your feelings around a break-up. Having a daily routine around taking care of yourself is essential. Having good sleep hygiene and physical hygiene like daily showers and brushing your teeth can go a long way in helping you avoid depression or anxiety. Daily journaling where you write thoughts about the break-up can help you track your moods as well as process your feelings and can help with healing and moving forward. Exercise and nutrition can serve in physical wellness which promotes focus, motivation and energy. 

• Medication Management:  It's important to continue to manage your medication  taking your mood stabilizers/anti-psychotics as prescribed especially during a difficult and emotional period. Speak with your psychiatrist about changes in your mood and behaviour post-breakup. For example, it's natural to experience a low period after a challenging break-up that may cause issues with your sleep hygiene (sleeping too much or not enough). Your healthcare team may have solutions about how to manage your medication more effectively during this difficult time.   

Final Thoughts

There is a 1962 song by Neil Sedaka called “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do,” and when it comes to this subject truer words were never spoken. Breaking up becomes even more difficult when you factor in a mental illness like Bipolar disorder. When you have a mood disorder your emotions have a tendency to overtake you when dealing with a loss or trauma which is what a break-up can feel like. Depending on the circumstance you may experience the gambit of emotions from high highs (Mania) to low lows (Depression) and there simply is no way to tell how long these extremes will last. 

Therefore, it’s important not to hide inside your feelings, speak to someone about what you are dealing with, use the tools you have in your mental health toolkit, speak to your psychiatrist about the emotional difficulties you are facing and finally trust in yourself that this too shall pass. A break-up can signify the end but also the beginning. Facing your negative emotions around the circumstances of a break-up can be the best way to build resilience after a relationship ends. 

Remember, you are not alone, there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is always sunshine after the rain.    

Mental Illness, Substance Use and Trauma Bonding

What is Trauma Bonding?

“Trauma bonding” in the context of mental illness and substance use refers to an unhealthy emotional attachment a person develops with someone who is causing them hard, often characterized by a cycle of abuse and manipulation with intermittent positive reinforcement, leading the victim to feel loyalty and dependence towards their abuser, even when experiencing negative treatment, making it difficult to leave the situation; this can be particularly prevalent in relationships where one or both partners struggle with mental health or addiction issues. 

 Breaking Free From Unhealthy Relationships

When you combine mental illness, substance use and dating dynamics it can result in a dangerous and often volatile experience for both parties involved. It is not uncommon for individuals struggling with mental illness and substance use issues to form trauma bonds when exploring a dating relationship. These individuals may discover similarities in their mental health or substance use journey leading to the belief that they have found a love connection or a bond forged in shared trauma experiences. Trauma bonding  can lead to increased and riskier substance use, increased mental instability and dysfunction or in severe cases physical or emotional abuse within the dating relationship. 

If you find yourself involved in this kind of dynamic here are some steps you can take to break free from the unhealthy trauma bonding relationship:  

• Educate yourself about your mental illness and the effects of substance use. Speak to your healthcare team or pharmacist about how substances can interact with your medication regime as well as the long-term effects substance use has on your mental illness and overall mental health outcomes.   

• Acknowledge and accept the situation. Knowing that there is a problem in your relationship dynamic is the first step to severing the trauma bond that you may be holding onto. Understanding that your partner may not feel the same way it is important to remain in a space of compassion and no-judgement, instead realize your journeys may be going in different directions. 

• Seek support from family, friends and in your community. It’s important to maintain open and honest communication with your loved ones about your experience with an unhealthy relationship. Seeking therapy or counseling can also lead to understanding and ultimately healing the trauma ties that bind you. 

• Develop coping skills. Do your research on developing skills that can assist you in managing the more unhealthy aspects of your relationship. Breaking free of unhealthy relationships can involve changing the way you communicate creating a positive and safe space that promotes change. Developing interpersonal skills like active listening, conflict resolution, assertiveness or problem solving can lead to healthier outcomes for future connections.

• Establish boundaries. When establishing boundaries in an unhealthy relationship it’s important to include a consequence if your boundaries are crossed. When trying to build a stable and healthy connection, establishing limits and rules  to define what behaviours are acceptable can go a long way in helping both parties decide whether the relationship has long-term potential. 

• Start building healthy relationships. When unhealthy bonds are severed it's important to replace them with healthier ones. It can be challenging to break away from relationships that no longer serve you and to start building connections that will have positive outcomes for your mental health. A great place to start is finding groups or making associations with people who share similar interests. These spaces can be found on community boards, recreation centres or through your local mental health service organizations.  

Final Thoughts

Navigating mental illness and substance abuse in a relationship is always challenging. Even when there are strong positive emotions, they are overshadowed by unhealthy patterns of behaviour. When an individual is dealing with a co-occurring mental illness with substance use disorder it becomes challenging to function in a healthy relationship dynamic. If both parties have substance use issues it can invite a toxic element into the relationship that can lead to unhealthy bonds that affect positive mental health outcomes. Although human connection is essential to our personal growth, we have to consider the choices we make and if the relationships we pursue serve our mental health needs in a positive, productive and healthy way.   

Disclosing My Mental Illness: When and How I Share

When I was a guest on the CBC docuseries “You Can’t Ask That: Season 2” in 2020 viewers anonymously  asked questions about living with Bipolar disorder that were personal and very thought provoking. One of the questions asked of me was “would you disclose your mental illness on a first date?” This was several years ago when I actually wasn’t actively dating and my response was the following: “I disclose my condition on the first date, right away. I mean Bipolar is tattooed on my arm, I have no desire to hide who I am or what I have. If they don’t like it they can leave. I don’t want someone who doesn’t accept me.”

I was pretty proud of my answer but a few years later I actually started dating and realized although transparency in dating is important for building trust between you and a potential partner it's also important to show caution when revealing something deeply personal about yourself. With all its complex layers Bipolar disorder is not a condition that can be explained over a dinner date or sitting in a movie theatre or in a text stream. Honesty and trust are foundational pillars of every good and longlasting relationship but honesty and trust is a two-way street that takes time to build. Before you walk down the road of transparency and reveal the details of your mental health journey ask yourself the following questions:

• How much does my potential partner have knowledge and understand about the world of mental health and mental illness? Are they open to learning?

• How transparent has my potential partner been with me?

• Does my potential partner show compassion and empathy toward others?

• What kind of communicator is my potential partner?

• Is my potential partner a good listener?

• Does my potential partner have any personal experience with mental illness (parent, sibling or friend dealing with mental illness)?

Disclosing Your Mental Illness: Some Things to Consider 

Once you can confidently answer the above questions about your potential partner you can then make an informed decision on whether or not to disclose your condition in a way that will foster support, understanding and open-communication between you and your potential partner. Some things to consider before disclosing your mental illness:

• Timing is Everything: Choose and set aside a reasonable amount of time to have a serious discussion about both your and your potential partner’s mental health journey. Allow time for information processing and questions. Avoid times where your potential partner can’t be present in the moment, is preoccupied with a task or is under stress. It's always a good idea to tell your potential partner you want to discuss something important and ask to schedule time to have an in-person conversation.

• Environment is Key: Choose a space that you feel comfortable, relaxed and safe having this challenging discussion and where your potential partner can feel comfortable receiving the information. For example, sitting in your car by a lake will give you more privacy than a noisy coffee shop or restaurant.

• Do Your Research: By now you know the cycle of your Bipolar disorder but how well do you know Bipolar disorder generally? Start with the basics, what the illness is classified as, the different types, elements of Bipolar disorder (depression, anxiety, hypomania, Mania and Psychosis) and symptoms of an episode (hyper-spending, pressured speech, disorganized thinking, hyper-sexuality). Remember your potential partner may know nothing about this mental health condition so it will be up to you to be the educator.

• Use Positive Language: When speaking on Bipolar disorder use neutral or positive language for example “I live with and manage Bipolar I disorder” instead of “I am Bipolar.” Avoid words like “unstable,” “psychotic” or “crazy.” Use positive recovery based language when describing your experiences, terms like “overcome” or “actively maintain” or “wellness journey” that emphasize your struggle but also emphasize your recovery and management of this complex illness. 

• Share Feelings and Fears: Be transparent about your feelings, struggles and challenges in your mental health journey. Share where you are currently at in your Bipolar management. Share what's in your self-care toolkit but also share your fears about the future outcome of the disclosure conversation. Showing your vulnerability may be challenging but taking the steps to foster open and honest communication around your mental illness can promote confidence, self-compassion, self-love and self-awareness regardless of the results of disclosing your experiences with mental illness. 

• Space to Process: Disclosure can be an intense experience so it's important to allow your potential partner to process their feelings and fears without judgment. Give yourself and your potential partner grace and space to allow for whatever is going to happen next in your relationship. Ask your potential partner to write down any questions or concerns they may have about your mental illness and the future of your relationship. Allow your potential partner the time they need to consider your disclosure and ask the questions that may come up in the processing phase. Again, choose a neutral, quiet and safe space to continue the conversation when both pirates have had time to reflect.   

Final Thoughts

Disclosing your mental health status can be challenging for both individuals. When you are in the early phases of dating someone there are a lot of hopes and expectations for the direction the potential relationship can go. There are also the fears and anxieties that your potential partner won’t be receptive to your mental illness. In my experiences with dating I realize now that my disclosure plan to share right away is based on my personal fears of rejection and lack of trust that my potential partner will not accept me. However, over the years I have experienced both personal growth and self-awareness which have taught me that I am not my mental illness, Bipolar disorder doesn’t define or overshadow the wonderful things about my personality or what I have to offer in a dating relationship. 

Therefore, I have become more discerning about the process of disclosure and transparency. Instead of blurting out my diagnosis on day one, I show patience and give my potential partner grace to get to know who I am as a person, not just as a person with a mental illness. There is no guarantee that they will want to continue with the dating relationship once all is revealed but I allow both of us an opportunity to learn about each other, our values, ambitions, personality traits. There have been instances where I made the decision that a potential partner was not a match for me based on what I discovered in the dating process which saved me the trouble of disclosing. Remember your dating experience is yours to navigate in the way that best suits you and best protects your mental health and wellness.

When you are dealing with a challenging mental illness like Bipolar disorder and you are entering a dating relationship it is important to be transparent and have trust in yourself and your potential partner that disclosure will go in a positive direction. It is also important to build that trust and foster understanding before revealing an aspect of your mental health that for most people is deeply personal and often associated with difficult past experiences. Give yourself time in your dating dynamic to grow and develop a bond based on trust, connection and mutual understanding. 

Finally, if you feel you are not ready to disclose your mental health status to a potential partner, consider whether or not you are ready to engage in the more challenging aspects of a relationship like honesty, trust and open-communication. Remember, disclosure of your mental illness is a deeply personal choice and only you can decide how to navigate the dating pool. Regardless of the outcome of disclosure of your mental illness in a dating relationship its important that you recognize how challenging and emotional the process of transparency can be, so if you do decide to journey down the path dating and disclosure remember to feel proud of your decision be honest with your potential partner and the bravery it takes to be open about your mental health journey which will always result in positive outcomes for the future of your relationships.