Onika L. Dainty

Love, Relationships and Bipolar Disorder Series - Part 4

One of the most difficult and emotional aspects of a relationship is when it ends. When you struggle with a mood condition like Bipolar disorder it can be even more challenging to find your balance after a break-up, whether you are the one to end the relationship or it's the other party's decision. Breakups fall under the category of trauma and can trigger mood swings and intensify emotions. It is important to use your mental health tool kit to manage the myriad of feelings such as sadness, shame, guilt, anger, regret or pain that may plague your mind during this difficult process. 

Managing Your Mental Illness While Dealing with a Breakup: Coping Mechanisms

Managing your Bipolar disorder can be difficult on a good day. But how do you manage a mood disorder with a major element of emotional dysfunction when you are faced with the end of a romantic relationship that has the potential to send you spiraling into mood swings and emotional chaos? 

The following is a list of healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with a breakup:

• Allow Yourself to Feel Your Emotions: breakups are similar to the grieving process after a loved one passes. It's okay to feel your feelings whether they range from sadness to guilt or anger. It's also okay to let your emotions out in a healthy way like crying for a period of time. It's important to remember that whatever feelings you are experiencing are real and valid.  It's also important to process then let go of the difficult emotions and move forward into a more positive headspace.

• Talk to Someone: one of the most productive ways to get through a break-up is communicating your thoughts and feelings about the situation to a close friend, a loved one or in therapy or counseling. Use your support system when you are struggling with difficult emotions as they could have ideas on how to move forward, use empathic language to encourage you, share their own lived experience with break-ups or simply just be there to listen or be a sounding board. 

• Social Media Detox: One of the biggest challenges when dealing with a difficult break-up is the presence of the other party on your social media channels. It's been recommended to me in the past to do a 30-day social media cleanse where you limit access to all accounts that may be related to the other party (i.e. their friends or loved ones), limit access to any photographs or videos that may trigger difficult emotions.This may be hard at first but it allows you the time you need to process the break-up and ultimately heal and move forward.

• Set Boundaries: You may find yourself in a situation where there is still contact via phone or text between yourself and the other individual involved in the break-up. These unhealthy behaviours only serve to prolong the process of moving forward and can leave you stuck in the mindset that the break-up is temporary. It is important to communicate before the end of a relationship the reasons why you two are not suited.  

Once this communication has occurred, set boundaries expressing your need for emotional and physical space to heal and move forward. In other words, if you are in the midst of a break-up likely there is a reason and setting healthy boundaries will give you the opportunity to take care of your mental health and prepare yourself for future connections.     

• Self-Care: Practicing self-care is a great way to manage your feelings around a break-up. Having a daily routine around taking care of yourself is essential. Having good sleep hygiene and physical hygiene like daily showers and brushing your teeth can go a long way in helping you avoid depression or anxiety. Daily journaling where you write thoughts about the break-up can help you track your moods as well as process your feelings and can help with healing and moving forward. Exercise and nutrition can serve in physical wellness which promotes focus, motivation and energy. 

• Medication Management:  It's important to continue to manage your medication  taking your mood stabilizers/anti-psychotics as prescribed especially during a difficult and emotional period. Speak with your psychiatrist about changes in your mood and behaviour post-breakup. For example, it's natural to experience a low period after a challenging break-up that may cause issues with your sleep hygiene (sleeping too much or not enough). Your healthcare team may have solutions about how to manage your medication more effectively during this difficult time.   

Final Thoughts

There is a 1962 song by Neil Sedaka called “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do,” and when it comes to this subject truer words were never spoken. Breaking up becomes even more difficult when you factor in a mental illness like Bipolar disorder. When you have a mood disorder your emotions have a tendency to overtake you when dealing with a loss or trauma which is what a break-up can feel like. Depending on the circumstance you may experience the gambit of emotions from high highs (Mania) to low lows (Depression) and there simply is no way to tell how long these extremes will last. 

Therefore, it’s important not to hide inside your feelings, speak to someone about what you are dealing with, use the tools you have in your mental health toolkit, speak to your psychiatrist about the emotional difficulties you are facing and finally trust in yourself that this too shall pass. A break-up can signify the end but also the beginning. Facing your negative emotions around the circumstances of a break-up can be the best way to build resilience after a relationship ends. 

Remember, you are not alone, there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is always sunshine after the rain.    

Mental Illness, Substance Use and Trauma Bonding

What is Trauma Bonding?

“Trauma bonding” in the context of mental illness and substance use refers to an unhealthy emotional attachment a person develops with someone who is causing them hard, often characterized by a cycle of abuse and manipulation with intermittent positive reinforcement, leading the victim to feel loyalty and dependence towards their abuser, even when experiencing negative treatment, making it difficult to leave the situation; this can be particularly prevalent in relationships where one or both partners struggle with mental health or addiction issues. 

 Breaking Free From Unhealthy Relationships

When you combine mental illness, substance use and dating dynamics it can result in a dangerous and often volatile experience for both parties involved. It is not uncommon for individuals struggling with mental illness and substance use issues to form trauma bonds when exploring a dating relationship. These individuals may discover similarities in their mental health or substance use journey leading to the belief that they have found a love connection or a bond forged in shared trauma experiences. Trauma bonding  can lead to increased and riskier substance use, increased mental instability and dysfunction or in severe cases physical or emotional abuse within the dating relationship. 

If you find yourself involved in this kind of dynamic here are some steps you can take to break free from the unhealthy trauma bonding relationship:  

• Educate yourself about your mental illness and the effects of substance use. Speak to your healthcare team or pharmacist about how substances can interact with your medication regime as well as the long-term effects substance use has on your mental illness and overall mental health outcomes.   

• Acknowledge and accept the situation. Knowing that there is a problem in your relationship dynamic is the first step to severing the trauma bond that you may be holding onto. Understanding that your partner may not feel the same way it is important to remain in a space of compassion and no-judgement, instead realize your journeys may be going in different directions. 

• Seek support from family, friends and in your community. It’s important to maintain open and honest communication with your loved ones about your experience with an unhealthy relationship. Seeking therapy or counseling can also lead to understanding and ultimately healing the trauma ties that bind you. 

• Develop coping skills. Do your research on developing skills that can assist you in managing the more unhealthy aspects of your relationship. Breaking free of unhealthy relationships can involve changing the way you communicate creating a positive and safe space that promotes change. Developing interpersonal skills like active listening, conflict resolution, assertiveness or problem solving can lead to healthier outcomes for future connections.

• Establish boundaries. When establishing boundaries in an unhealthy relationship it’s important to include a consequence if your boundaries are crossed. When trying to build a stable and healthy connection, establishing limits and rules  to define what behaviours are acceptable can go a long way in helping both parties decide whether the relationship has long-term potential. 

• Start building healthy relationships. When unhealthy bonds are severed it's important to replace them with healthier ones. It can be challenging to break away from relationships that no longer serve you and to start building connections that will have positive outcomes for your mental health. A great place to start is finding groups or making associations with people who share similar interests. These spaces can be found on community boards, recreation centres or through your local mental health service organizations.  

Final Thoughts

Navigating mental illness and substance abuse in a relationship is always challenging. Even when there are strong positive emotions, they are overshadowed by unhealthy patterns of behaviour. When an individual is dealing with a co-occurring mental illness with substance use disorder it becomes challenging to function in a healthy relationship dynamic. If both parties have substance use issues it can invite a toxic element into the relationship that can lead to unhealthy bonds that affect positive mental health outcomes. Although human connection is essential to our personal growth, we have to consider the choices we make and if the relationships we pursue serve our mental health needs in a positive, productive and healthy way.