Onika L. Dainty

What is Codependency?

Codependency is a learned behavior that involves an unhealthy attachment to another person or relationship. It occurs when one person believes it's their job to “save” another person by catering to all their needs. A codependent person builds their identity and self-worth around this purpose and practices enabling behaviors that places themselves and the other person in a seemingly never ending cycle of dependency. This often happens when one party struggles with addiction or mental health concerns and the codependent person tries to shield them from the consequences of their behaviour.

When a person is supporting another in a healthy way there are boundaries, honest communication and balance in the relationship. No one is trying to save anyone else, rather the supportive person practices compassion and empathy while letting the other individual know that they need to seek help for their issues or concerns. A supportive person is self-aware and uses their judgment to make decisions about stepping back for the sake of their own mental health. A healthy supportive person knows when to let go, an unhealthy codependent person does not. The main behaviours and character traits of a codependent person are as follows:

• Consistently elevating the needs of others above your own

• Controlling behavior

• Self-sacrificing behavior

• Fear of rejection

• Lack of Self-love

• Lack of Boundaries

• Lack of Self-care

• Low Self-esteem/self-worth

Recognizing Codependent Patterns: Personal Reflection

My mother and I had a codependent relationship dynamic. I practiced codependency in seeking her validation in all things creating an unhealthy attachment style from the time I was a teenager until I took stock of this negative personality trait. My mother was a nurse that worked 12 hour shifts almost every day, she had a family which included my little sister, my father and my grandmother (before she passed away), as well as a household to manage and she couldn’t do it all. I am the oldest daughter so a lot of household responsibilities fell on me. This might seem like normal daughterly duties I’m referring to but it was more complex than that. I wanted to take the burden off my mother, I needed to hear that I was a good daughter, that I was loved and a valued member of my family, so I took on the role of house manager and caregiver to my whole family including my mother. 

By the time I was 17-years-old, I was considering where to go for post-secondary education and the university I was interested in was 4 hours from home. I was terrified to leave my mother because it had become like second nature to manage the household while she took much needed rest from the demands of her nursing career. My mother and I were like the co-captains of a team with three other team members that depended on us  so if I left, who would take care of her and the rest of the team? I actually spoke to a child psychologist about my concerns and his advice was “just be a kid.” I had taken on the role of my family’s saviour for so long that I simply didn’t know how to just be a kid.  

When I went away to university I was struggling with my mental health after being diagnosed with Depression and Generalized Anxiety disorder, I didn’t know where I fit after walking away from the codependent role I had at home. I wasn’t getting the daily validation from my mother, I was struggling in school and I sought love and attention from the wrong people. I would end my university career as a heavy substance user and within a year of graduation I would have my first manic episode. This is the point that the codependency dynamic between my mother and myself would shift and she would spend over a decade enabling me and trying to save the formally reliable daughter she no longer recognized.

My mother is a devout Christian, believing if she did the right things for her mentally ill daughter then all would be well. She tried to “pray the cray away,” but in doing that ignored the reality of the experience I was having, which only served to frustrate and anger me, placing a wedge in our already fragile relationship. The way she enabled me the most was to clean up the chaos and destruction I caused during my manic episodes so I never fully realized the damage I was doing to myself and others. She also tended to deny my drug use usually because of an idealistic sense of false hope. She tried tough love, eventually stopping the daily visits and food delivery when I was in hospital or by kicking me out of the family home but she made it clear she was always there for me emotionally and financially. This is what codependency looks like. 

During the pandemic I moved back in with my parents after an eight year departure to Toronto and this was a mistake that became detrimental to my already fragile mental health. The cycle of codependency began again and I realized it had never stopped; we had just taken a much needed break. I lived with my parents for two years before I realized I needed to change my behaviours and habits to find balance in our relationship, so I left. I was 40-years-old and I knew I had to finally run away from home in order to find myself. I’m not saying this is the only way to break free from a codependent dynamic but I knew it's what I needed to do, I needed space to think, to breathe. I had to learn to manage my mental health, get my substance use under control and address my issues around self-love, my self-esteem and my self-worth. Only with all of these elements in-line could I communicate effectively with my mother and set boundaries that were definitive. 

Some of the resources I used to break-free from codependency:

• Mind Over Mood, Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy principles, change how you feel by changing how you think. 

• Codependency No More, Melody Beattie: Learn the root causes of codependency and the steps needed to heal yourself, including establishing boundaries, cultivating self-trust, and taking part in a supportive recovery community. 

• The Set Boundaries Workbook, Nedra Glover Tawwab: A step-by-step resource for setting, communicating, and reinforcing healthy boundaries at home, work and in life.

• The Self-Love Workbook, Shainna Ali: A life-changing guide to boosting self-esteem, recognize your worth and find genuine happiness.

Final Thoughts

After doing the work I needed on my journey of self-awareness I have compassion and empathy for my mother and family having experienced a lot related to my mental health and substance use. Although my mother still falls into codependent habits our dynamic has changed dramatically. I set boundaries with her and effectively communicate my feelings and needs nurturing a stronger, more balanced bond between us. Codependency is a state of mind that one can unlearn if you are willing to however, it's important to note that it's usually not an issue with the other person (they may have other concerns), the actual codependent dynamic lives inside you and will continue to affect your mental health and the health of your relationships if you don’t stop and take stock of your actions and the role you play in fostering this unhealthy behavior. One of the most important and difficult parts of healing broken relationships and ending the cycle of codependency is self-reflection and the development of self-awareness. Remember you are not alone in your journey and everyday is an opportunity to do something you’ve never done before. So go forth and find your independence from  codependency.

The thing about toxic people is that they can sense vulnerability in others because they themselves lack positive characteristics that allow for stable and supportive friendships. Below are some characteristic of Toxic Friends:

• Lack of Trust: a toxic friend might gossip about  intimate details of your life with other people. You may also notice a toxic friend spends a lot of time gossiping about other friends, romantic partners or family members in their lives

• Manipulation: a toxic friend might use manipulation to get what they want from you. This manipulation can come in the form of guilt, shame or excessive compliments toward you.

• Jealousy: a toxic friend might be jealous of your other relationships and try to put a wedge between you and them. They may also be jealous of some aspect of your personality or lifestyle and might practice passive aggressive criticism to put you down.

• One-sided relationship: you might find yourself giving a disproportionate amount of time, emotional support or money to a toxic friend and receiving very little support in return.

• Lack of Boundaries: a toxic friend might ignore your boundaries or have no boundaries of their own. For example, not respecting your time boundaries by expecting you to be available to them whenever they call. 

• Trauma Bonding: if you and your toxic friend share similar past traumas you may find yourself becoming each others counselor and confidant instead of seeking professional help

• Substance use: a toxic friend might encourage you to use substances with them. Ultimately, the decision is always yours but the continued presence and pressure of substance use can take you down a dangerous road. 

I’ve written about Manic Love, falling into obsessive love in Mania,  but there is also the concept of  Manic Friendship, developing friendship bonds with other people with mental illness and substance use disorder. This quite possibly is one of the most toxic friendships that a Bipolar person can engage in. When you are experiencing symptoms of Bipolar disorder like hypo-mania, impulsivity, disorganized thinking and for me substance use entering into a new friendship with someone who has similar and unchecked symptoms is extremely dangerous to your mental health and future stability. 

Once, I reconnected with a woman who had serious substance use issues and unmanaged mental illness. I was dealing with losing my job due to the pandemic, the end of a toxic relationship with someone I met online and extreme isolationism and depression. When this new person entered into my already unstable world it turned into pure chaos. It began with trauma bonding over the death of her mother and led to almost daily use of cocaine which at the time was not my drug or choice but quickly became the substance we shared during long nights of commiseration and conversations filled with manic dreams for our future.

This on-going toxic friendship only served to exacerbate my emerging Bipolar Mania and diminish my already low self-worth. The friendship always felt one-sided with me supporting her emotionally through whatever imagined drama she usually created for herself, I was left feeling used and emotionally drained. Besides her substance use she participated in other risky behaviors like precarious sexual relationships, excessive spending sprees and self-harming activities all of which she looked to me for support and encouragement. Because of my need to please her and to maintain the friendship I couldn’t see how much of my own identity I had lost or how fast I was falling into manic-psychosis.

 I was no longer managing my mental health, I was no longer thriving or surviving, I was just lost. I blame myself for the state I was in not her though, we were two women with substance use issues and mental illness in a codependent cycle neither one of us knew how to end. For me the breaking point came after a full year of chaos when my mind finally broke and she wasn’t there. After everything that had gone on in this toxic friendship I expected someone who was unwell to save me from my unwellness and that was both unfair and unrealistic. 

If you are entangled in a toxic friendship here are some things to ask yourself:

• What’s my personal definition of a toxic friend? 
• How is this relationship adding value to my life?
• How does being around this person make me feel?
• How has this friendship changed me in good or bad ways?
• Who are the people who are still in my life affected by this friendship?
• Do I like myself when I’m with this person?

Make a pros and cons list around these questions and if the negatives outway the positives start taking the necessary steps to change your circumstance.

Final Thoughts

I realized during my journey of healing and recovery that the attachment I felt to this toxic friend was based on all the fears I mentioned earlier in this article. We were so similar in everything but we were never the same. I have always fought for my mental health and placed value in my wellness and recovery. I have goals and objectives for my future and spending time with her allowed me to forget and just take a break from my own reality. Having toxic people in your life is a choice not an inescapable circumstance. Sometimes communicating your needs, concerns and setting boundaries will insight change and detoxify your friendship but remember, even though everyone has the capacity to change, people do not always change at the same time or pace. I found it necessary because of the nature of my toxic friendship to do a Friend Detox: no calls, texts or social media contact. Essentially I no longer consider her a friend. 

I have made a lot of positive changes in my life since that time, I have made new and healthy friendships that speak to my vision and values for my future, I am proudly sober and in remission from symptoms of my Bipolar disorder. My primary goals are to continue to care for myself and my mental health. I have no room for toxic relationships that are a threat to my progress and peace. I affirm myself with daily positive acts of self-care, self-compassion and self-love forgiving myself for choices I made when I was in a hopeless place. If I feel like I’m engaging in a toxic friendship I seek the advice of the healthy friends in my support circle who remind me of my worth even when I forget. Like I said, if you are toxic you are not on my team.

Understanding Bipolar Disorder in Women

Bipolar disorder is a complex mental health condition characterized by extreme mood swings, including emotional highs (Mania or Hypomania) and lows (Depression). As a woman, I have experienced the unique symptoms and manifestations of Bipolar disorder, which can complicate diagnosis and treatment. Statistics show that while Bipolar disorder affects both genders, we women are more likely to experience depressive episodes and rapid cycling between moods. Understanding these differences is essential for addressing the specific challenges we face.

Barriers to Accessing Mental Healthcare

Stigma and Misunderstanding

One of the most significant barriers we face is the stigma associated with mental health issues. Society often devalues individuals with mental illness, making us feel alienated and shameful for seeking help. I’ve encountered this firsthand. I once shared my struggles with my mental health, only to be told, “Oh Onika! Don’t be so dramatic. Just put on some lipstick, bake a cake, and you will be fine!” Such dismissive attitudes can deter women from pursuing the help we desperately need.

Financial Challenges

In an ideal world, all mental healthcare would be free; however, this is not the case. In Canada, while our government subsidizes mental healthcare services, we often face long waitlists for psychiatrists and overcrowded emergency rooms. For those of us without insurance, the financial burden of private therapy can add another layer of difficulty. I’ve learned that being patient yet persistent in seeking free or low-cost resources can make a significant difference in our journey toward mental wellness.

Cultural Factors

Growing up in a Guyanese household, I experienced pressure to endure my struggles without seeking professional help. When I finally sought help as a teenager, I found myself feeling alone in my journey, even with my mother’s support. Later, when I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, my mom tried to “pray the cray away” instead of helping me navigate the complex mental healthcare system. Cultural beliefs can create barriers that hinder our ability to advocate for our mental health needs, making it crucial to raise awareness and foster understanding within families and communities.

The Role of Support Systems

Building a strong support system is vital for women navigating mental healthcare. This support doesn’t always have to come from family; trusted friends or mentors can provide the guidance and understanding we need. I am fortunate to have a mental health mentor who has been my fiercest advocate, helping me navigate the healthcare system when I can’t advocate for myself. Having someone who understands our challenges can empower us, making us feel less isolated and more capable of pursuing the care we need.

Navigating Treatment Options

Accessing mental healthcare is just one part of our journey. It is essential to have a comprehensive treatment plan that includes therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes. Women with Bipolar disorder benefit from personalized treatment plans that consider our unique needs. Although I prefer face-to-face interactions, I recognize the growing importance of telehealth services in reducing wait times and increasing accessibility to care.

Strategies for Improving Access to Care

Advocacy is crucial for improving mental healthcare access. We need to work together to push for policy changes that enhance mental health resources and services. Community-based programs that address our specific needs can play a vital role in creating supportive environments. Additionally, providing resources to help us navigate the healthcare system effectively is essential in promoting better access to care.

Final Thoughts

Access to mental healthcare for women with Bipolar disorder is fraught with challenges that can significantly impact our well-being. By understanding these barriers and advocating for better resources and support, we can improve the mental health landscape for ourselves and others. It’s time to start having conversations that take us beyond the stigma so we can enhance access to care, and empower those affected by Bipolar disorder. The road we must walk is full of barriers to change but if we come together as a community of like-minded supporters of mental health advocacy change will surely come. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for support—remember you are not alone on this journey to mental wellness.

Coming Soon

I have also decided to share with you the lessons that inspired me to be fearless and relentless in my pursuit of happiness and success. I will be posting the life lessons that have shaped and influenced my personal growth and development. A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection: 42 Years of Lessons series begins on December 30, 2024, my 42nd Birthday. It is my hope that these lessons will touch your lives and inspire positive change on your journey to wellness.  

It is well past midnight and right outside the bolted window all I can see is darkness. The lights from buildings and the flicker of headlights visible only through the rod iron mesh meant to keep me in, keep me safe from myself. The mesh makes the outside world look as if it is caught in a fisherman’s net, trapped, unable to escape. The truth is that I am the one trapped and unable to move. Still, I think of escaping into the darkness beyond my barricaded window.

Even in the darkness I can sense new life forming. Trees pushing through the black earth, rising above the green grass until their branches bloom and breathe. Even the branches know there is nowhere to go but up toward the sky, toward freedom. At this moment I envy those trees. I envy their path to the heaven of the sky. I envy the seeds they sow, that bloom into beautiful buds that grow fearlessly. I envy their right to exist when all my rights have been taken away, when my feet are strapped to a metal bed frame making freedom impossible.

I look to my left to see soundproof, bullet proof, unbreakable glass. Still, I hear the cries for help and the violent rattle of chains, and I am reminded— Although the sun is starting to rise over my right shoulder, insanity waits for me over my left. As night turns to day and the sky goes from black to morning’s indigo I remember I am not outside these four walls where freedom lives and my right to exist is unquestioned. Instead, I am in a dimly lit, locked room, strapped to a bed, on a 72-hour hold in the Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit of the hospital’s tenth floor.

Final Thought

The loss of my freedom is my biggest fear. While hospitalized I spend a majority of my stay strapped to hospital beds, shackled by my arms, chest and legs, unable to move, panicking and unable to catch my breath. There is no pretty picture I can paint of this barbaric experience. Whether it occurs because my sharp tongue has offended the staff or as an arbitrary solution to a non-existent problem it's wrong and inhuman and I have the right to feel fear. This is a fear that is born of past trauma that has gone unexamined by the individuals that wield the power to restrain me. I can’t find neutral words, or hope in a system that uses these tactics to subdue patients. There is no kindness in this process, there is no empathy, just cruelty and It is one of my greatest objectives to abolish this practice in Ontario hospitals. I feel fear recalling and reflecting on my experiences with restraints but I also feel a sense of determination and obligation to my fellow men and women who still have to endure this savage practice. 

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 

Coming Soon