Onika L. Dainty

When the Diagnosis Changes: Living Through a Shift from Bipolar I to Schizoaffective Disorder

After Twenty Years Everything Shifted

For almost two decades, I shaped my identity, routines, and survival around being someone with Bipolar I disorder. Then one day, after another hospitalization and a deeper evaluation, I was re-diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, with borderline traits. The experience left me feeling off balance.

What shook me most was not only the discovery of the new diagnosis, but the lack of communication from my care team. In mental health care, there is often a strong focus on stabilization and symptom management, while psychoeducation and transparency are left behind.

In my case, the diagnosis change occurred during my residency at Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Sciences. I was still deeply in my illness when it was presented during a clinical case conference, delivered in medical language without explanation. No one took the time to help me understand what this shift meant for my treatment, medication plan, or future as someone now living with a different diagnosis.

A new diagnosis after living so long under a familiar label can feel like losing your footing. Yet it can also bring clarity, relief, and the opportunity to rebuild. It invites reflection on the past, intention for the present, and planning for the future with honesty rather than fear.

This blog is a deeply personal look at what it means to be re-diagnosed after years of living with Bipolar I disorder, how that shift impacted my sense of identity, and what I learned from beginning again with a new language for my mental health.

The Diagnosis That Defined Me for a While

For nearly twenty years, Bipolar disorder became my identity. It was the lens through which I understood my moods, my choices, and my challenges. At first, I resisted it. Later, after learning to manage my illness, I came to call it my superpower. I even tattooed the word Bipolar on my left forearm as an act of defiance in a world that misunderstood what living with this condition truly meant.

There was duality in that identity. During manic and psychotic episodes, I felt euphoric and fearless, as though past trauma could no longer touch me. I believed I was unstoppable. Yet those same episodes led to destructive decisions, strained relationships, and repeated hospitalizations marked by isolation, loss of autonomy, and deep emotional loneliness.

Still, familiarity offered comfort. After fourteen hospitalizations, I knew my bipolar cycle well. Anxiety and depression would arrive first, often triggered by trauma, stress, or insomnia. Hypomania followed with excessive energy, impulsive spending, and risky behaviors. Eventually, mania and psychosis would take over, ending in hospitalization. This cycle became my normal.

Looking back now, I can see there were signs that something did not fully fit the bipolar framework. There were symptoms that lingered outside mood episodes, pieces of my experience that never quite aligned with the diagnosis I carried as my identity.

The Day Everything Changed

I remember with startling clarity the day everything shifted. I had just begun a trauma informed treatment program through Ontario Shores and was required to complete weekly questionnaires through the hospital portal. For the first time, I was granted access to my medical records.

Out of curiosity, I began reviewing past psychiatric notes, assessments, and daily reports written during my residency. Then I opened a psychosocial assessment dated February 2, 2024.

It read:

Ms. Onika Dainty is a 41 year old woman with a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, with noted borderline traits.

I read it once. Then again.

My first thought was disbelief. Then anger followed. I was almost a year out of hospital and this was the first time I had seen this diagnosis. Questions flooded my mind. Why was I never told? How many people knew? How was I supposed to move forward if I did not understand what I was living with?

At that moment, what little trust I had in the mental health system fractured. I reached out to my support circle in tears, mourning the loss of an identity I had carried for twenty years.

My cousin and Grama Judie reminded me of something grounding. Nothing about me had changed. The diagnosis was words on paper. I was still Onika, still resilient, still equipped with tools that had carried me this far.

When I met with Dr. A, my outpatient psychiatrist, he acknowledged that he had been aware of the diagnostic shift. He explained the reasoning behind it. My prolonged psychosis outside mood episodes, treatment resistance, and complex symptom presentation during my residency had led clinicians to re-evaluate my diagnosis.

Suddenly, pieces that never fit before began to make sense.

Grieving, Reframing, and Relearning

It has been nearly a year since discovering my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, and I am still learning how to hold it. Processing a diagnosis change requires grief. I had to mourn the identity I built around Bipolar disorder, reframe familiar pain with new language, and unlearn the stigma attached to a condition I once feared.

In 2019, I publicly advocated for Bipolar awareness through national campaigns, interviews, and speaking engagements. I proudly told my story as a Caribbean Canadian woman living with a severe mood disorder. I often said Bipolar disorder was my superpower.

Learning that I had been misdiagnosed shattered me. I questioned how I could have built a platform, a voice, and a sense of purpose around something that was never entirely accurate. I felt like an imposter frozen in uncertainty.

Grief followed its familiar stages. Denial gave way to anger. Bargaining convinced me that schizoaffective bipolar type still meant I belonged in the bipolar category. Depression left me immobilized. Acceptance came slowly.

What I ultimately realized was this: the failure was not mine. The failure lay in a system that prioritizes crisis stabilization over patient education and informed consent.

Once acceptance arrived, I returned to what has always grounded me. Education. I studied the DSM 5, read everything related to schizoaffective disorder, and finally saw my lived experience reflected clearly. Symptoms that once confused me now had context. Knowledge gave me power and peace.

Final Thoughts

You Are Allowed to Evolve, Even in Diagnosis

After more than twenty years of living with severe mental illness, I carry invisible battle scars. I have learned painful lessons and received unexpected blessings. Perhaps I was not meant to learn of this diagnosis while still fragile and newly discharged. Perhaps I needed stability first in order to receive truth without collapse.

Today, I believe this diagnosis was not the end of my journey but an evolution of it. I was never broken, only misunderstood. When treatment finally aligned with the truth of my experience, my healing deepened.

My mental health diagnoses are part of my story, but they are not the entirety of who I am. Identity, like healing, is fluid. It changes as we grow, learn, and survive.

A new diagnosis does not erase your past, your progress, or the strength it took to reach baseline. It simply clarifies the path forward.

To my readers:
Have you ever had to let go of an identity in order to step closer to the truth of who you really are?

A Diagnosis I Didn’t See Coming

It was January 2025 when I started a group trauma informed treatment program at Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Sciences. For the first time in the history of my mental illness, I was given access to my personal medical records from my stay at the psychiatric hospital. I was curious about what the medical staff, social workers, psychotherapists, and psychiatrist had observed while I was deeply unwell during my three month residency in 2024. When I began exploring the daily, detailed reports about my behaviour and activity on the unit, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It all appeared to fit my experience of mania and how I remembered behaving.

Then I opened a Psychosocial Assessment dated February 2, 2024, and something shifted inside me. It felt like the identity of my illness had changed, and with it, the way I had understood myself for over 20 years. The report read:

Ms. Onika Dainty is a 41 year old woman with a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, with noted borderline traits.

The ground beneath my feet shook. I knew it was not a medical error. I felt confused and betrayed, but also like I had just been handed another piece of the puzzle that makes up my complex mind. I knew very little about this diagnosis, yet I was determined to face it head on.

Being newly diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder can feel overwhelming, isolating, and hard to explain, even to yourself. This blog explores what schizoaffective disorder is, how it overlaps with diagnoses like bipolar disorder, and what it can mean to live with a layered mental health condition.

What Is Schizoaffective Disorder? A Blended Symptom Profile

What is Schizoaffective Disorder?

Schizoaffective disorder is a complex mental illness that blends symptoms of schizophrenia, such as hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thinking, with symptoms of a mood disorder, such as depression or mania. This combination can disrupt thoughts, emotions, and daily functioning. There are two main types: bipolar type and depressive type. It is often misdiagnosed early because the symptom profile overlaps with both schizophrenia and mood disorders like Bipolar disorder.

Schizoaffective vs Bipolar vs Schizophrenia

Schizoaffective disorder is a hybrid condition with a blended symptom profile. Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder have distinct clinical categories, with schizophrenia typically defined by psychosis and Bipolar disorder defined by episodic mood shifts. The overlap becomes especially confusing when someone experiences manic psychosis and continues to have psychotic symptoms after the mood episode begins to stabilize. In other words, the mood may calm down, but hallucinations, delusions, or disorganized thinking can linger beyond the manic phase.

The Emotional Weight of a Complex Diagnosis: A Formally Bipolar Woman’s New Blended Reality

The biggest challenge I faced with my new diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder-bipolar type, was the feeling of being misled by my medical team. I was almost a year out of hospital when I discovered it. If I had not been curious enough to read my medical reports, I would have continued living under a label that no longer fit the full picture of my mental health.

I was angry, ashamed, and afraid. The moment I read Schizoaffective disorder in my file, I felt like I had lost my identity. I felt like I had walked down the wrong path on my journey to wellness and that I was too far in to turn back and start over.

And yet, there was also relief. I had always felt pieces of my mental health puzzle were missing. When I am in psychosis, I have experienced auditory delusions, visual hallucinations, and extreme disorganized thinking. My Bipolar disorder framework could not fully explain those symptoms, so I told myself they were simply part of my manic episodes. After being in and out of psychosis for almost a year, unable to manage on my own, admitted and discharged from units whose main mandate was to stabilize me, I eventually became a resident of a mental health hospital with the time and resources to observe me properly.

When I saw the new diagnosis, I thought I should feel gratitude, but instead I mourned. I mourned the woman who had fought for almost 20 years against stigma, discrimination, and misunderstanding related to Bipolar disorder. I became an advocate, a peer support specialist, and a woman who learned the language of mental health so I could move through a world that often saw me as broken. How would I keep moving forward if I did not even know what I had? If my care team was not being transparent with me?

That evening I called my cousin in tears, and he asked me a profound question: Are you a different person than you were yesterday? Are you still the woman who has the tools to manage your mental illness, regardless of what it is called?

The answer was a resounding yes. My diagnosis had changed, but I had not. I was still Onika. I was still determined. My goal has always been healing, emotional stability, and a full, joyous, robust life. Nothing changed except that I now had a more complete picture of my symptom profile. I had to let go of the person I thought I was, close the door on the diagnosis I believed was mine, and make space to learn and grow within this new blended reality.

Learning to Manage the Dual Sides of the Diagnosis

Once I moved through the initial shock of my Schizoaffective disorder diagnosis and began educating myself, I was able to take my power back and rebuild a management strategy that spoke to all parts of my mental health. I started by looking at treatment options and realized they were similar to what I already knew. A combination of antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and psychotherapy was recommended by my mental health care team.

Since my discharge from Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Sciences in 2024, I have not experienced psychotic symptoms, but I have noticed longer mood shifts. I track these mini episodes in my daily planner because structure and self awareness help me stay grounded.

Managing Schizoaffective disorder has its challenges, but I prioritize routine, healthy habits, and stability as a form of protection. Sleep hygiene has become a primary pillar of my care plan. I am still a 5 a.m. person, but now I take my medication earlier so I can get eight to ten hours of sleep consistently. My second pillar is stress management. I use meditation, breathwork, and daily movement to reduce anxiety and support emotional regulation. My third pillar is medication adherence and transparency with my healthcare team. I take my medication as prescribed and check in monthly, or sooner if I feel a crisis on the horizon. The final pillar is self care, self compassion, and grace.

I feel brand new in this diagnosis, so I keep reminding myself that once upon a time I was new to Bipolar disorder too. I felt helpless and alone then. Over time, I learned to advocate for myself. I learned to lean on my support team. I learned that healing is a process, and that psychoeducation, routine, and community can hold you steady when your mind feels loud.

Final Thoughts

It’s Okay to Be in the Process

With this new diagnosis, I have had to accept a few hard truths. First, it is okay to be in the process, as long as I am an active part of the process. This diagnosis is part of my reality, but it is words on a page in the next chapter of my life, not the entire book and not how my story ends.

I have also learned to stop chasing the “right” label and start listening to my lived experience. Schizoaffective disorder is simply terminology for a cluster of symptoms I have always carried. In many ways, it is not a detour. It is a more accurate map for the journey I have already been on.

Whether it is Bipolar disorder, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, or Schizoaffective disorder, I have always fought for a better life while living with mental illness. None of these labels define me. They guide me toward understanding the unique, and often beautiful, trappings of a complex mind.

To my readers: If a diagnosis could be a doorway instead of a definition, what kind of understanding might you find on the other side?

Life Lesson #14

“The only validation I need is my parking.” – Onika L. Dainty

Learning the Weight of Validation

Validation is a complicated concept. By definition, it means “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.” For some, that recognition from others—family, friends, colleagues, or even strangers—is at the very core of their identity. Without external approval, many find it hard to move forward, change, or grow. I know this because, for much of my life, I was one of those people.

From an early age, I allowed trauma and low self-esteem to dictate my path. My sense of self-worth was tethered to someone else’s star of approval. Whenever I was the lead in my own story, fear crept in, whispering that without cheerleaders—or critics in disguise—I would fall flat. And yet, the rare times I did validate myself, I discovered something unexpected: empowerment.

Losing and Rebuilding Self-Acceptance

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder in 2006, the fragile spark of self-acceptance I had been nurturing disappeared. Once again, I turned outward, seeking guidance from others—many of whom, though well-intentioned, only confused and discouraged me. Their voices drowned out my own, and my self-esteem plummeted.

It took years to untangle myself from this cycle. Ironically, the breakthrough came when I asked the right person the wrong question.

The Conversation That Changed Everything

In 2017, while brainstorming a mental health podcast with my cousin, I asked him what I thought was a simple question:

“Am I doing this right? What do you think?”

His response:
“If you’re looking for validation, Onika, you’re not going to get it from me. This is your show. You’re the one with the lived experience. I’m just the sound guy. Stop looking for validation in other people. We’re grown—validate yourself.”

His words hit like a mirror held to my face. Brutally honest, yes, but spoken with love. My cousin had always pushed me to believe in my abilities, to trust the possibilities of my future. That night, his refusal to validate me became the greatest validation of all.

Choosing to Lead My Own Story

After reflecting on his words, I felt something shift. My confidence grew, my self-worth blossomed, and the desperate need for approval from others began to fade. I realized I needed to be the lead in my own love story—the one where I finally fell for myself and the strength that had always been within me.

Today, I still value the perspectives of those who care for me, but I no longer need their validation. I validate myself. My feelings, decisions, and opinions are valid simply because I exist. That belief has given me an unshakable confidence, allowing me to make bold and brave choices on my mental health and wellness journey—choices I never would have dared to make before that late-night conversation.

Gratitude for Brutal Honesty

For every moment of honesty that challenged me to grow, I am deeply grateful. To my cousin—my cheerleader, my truth-teller, my mirror—thank you for helping me realize that the only validation I truly need is, indeed, my parking.

I can be stubborn, but I’m also curious. After hearing repeatedly how physical activity improves brain function, boosts mood, and supports overall health, I decided to take small steps to include movement in my self-care routine. Although I was 40 pounds overweight, I didn’t approach exercise for weight loss. I chose activities that supported my mood, mind, and mental health.

In this article, I’ll share how physical activity helps stabilize mood. I’ll tell my story—how I walked toward wellness with detours along the way. I’ll explore how self-compassion plays a key role in building a sustainable habit, highlight stories from women who live life in motion, and offer tips that helped me build structure, routine, and consistency in my physical activity journey.

How Movement Helps Stabilize Mood

Physical activity has a profound impact on emotional regulation. It releases endorphins that naturally boost mood. It also supports brain health by promoting the growth of new cells and reducing inflammation in areas linked to emotional balance. Physical activity can interrupt negative thought patterns, create a sense of accomplishment, and build self-esteem—all crucial for coping.

For women with Bipolar disorder, movement can regulate mood, improve sleep, ease anxiety and depression, and even help restore cognitive function. Whether it’s walking, stretching, or strength training, movement activates the mind-body connection, which is essential for emotional stability.

Walking Toward Wellness: A Lived Experience

Five years ago, I was living in the city, navigating a depressive episode, and teetering between overweight and obese. I used to walk for hours in my early 30s through my parents’ suburban neighbourhood. By 35, I lived 20 minutes from the lake and walked regularly. But when I moved to Toronto, surrounded by concrete and crime, walking no longer felt safe—or desirable.

I lost all structure and fell into unhealthy habits. I only left home for work, groceries, or cigarettes. It took years before I felt ready to take a walk toward wellness again.

It started with a simple hike. A colleague invited me out of the city. I hadn’t seen trees or breathed fresh air in years. She called it a “baby hike,” but I struggled. I returned home sweaty, dirty, covered in leaves—and more alive than I’d felt in a long time. That hike sparked something. Every weekend, I hiked. When I moved back home, I hiked with anyone I could convince to join. I eventually became a certified Ontario Hike Leader.

Now, I don’t hike as often, so six months ago I joined a gym. I committed to walking 3–5 miles daily on the treadmill and training twice a week with a personal trainer. Yes, I’ve lost weight—but the most powerful change is internal. I’ve gained emotional strength, clarity, and focus.

Emotional regulation has always been a challenge: tearful outbursts, deep sadness, hypersensitivity, and sudden anger. Since incorporating regular physical activity, I’ve gained better control over these emotions. It started with small steps, but over time, exercise changed my mindset, improved my mental health, and stabilized my mood.

Surprisingly, the gym has become one of my safe spaces—a place where I feel free, fearless, and focused.

You Will Fall Off Track—And That’s Okay: Remember Your Why

Everyone has “off days,” especially when living with bipolar disorder. Sleepless nights, mood shifts, and depressive episodes are part of the landscape. Some weeks, I didn’t move at all—let alone make it to the gym.

The key isn’t avoiding setbacks—it’s returning after them. Whether it’s stretching in bed, doing yoga in your living room, or walking around the block, each time you move, you reclaim your power. Self-compassion is essential. So is remembering your “why.” Reminding yourself why you began your movement journey can be enough to get you going again.

Movement Looks Different for Everyone

For some, high-intensity workouts bring a sense of achievement. For others, like me, daily gym visits feel like success. But physical activity doesn’t have to be intense or traditional. Movement is simply about moving—on your terms.

Walking your dog, dancing while you cook, stretching to music, or doing chair yoga are all valid. The goal isn’t performance—it’s participation. Find what fits your body, lifestyle, and current season of life.

Creating a Life in Motion: Lived Experiences of Women with Bipolar Disorder

Catherine, a young mother of two, used yoga to regulate her mood before motherhood. She attended classes multiple times a week and practiced at home when needed. After starting a family, she adapted her routine—now practicing 15 minutes a day to maintain inner calm.

Kim, a first-year college student and former dance major, felt homesick and emotionally overwhelmed. She missed dancing and realized it helped regulate her mood. She enrolled in Hip-Hop and Contemporary classes at her university and now takes 2–3 per week. Her stress is lower, and she feels more emotionally balanced.

Dani had just been discharged from a psychiatric unit after a two-month depressive episode. Tired from her new medication and 15 pounds heavier, she remembered how good walking made her feel. On the first day of spring, she started morning walks while listening to music. By summer, she walked daily—and her depressive episode had lifted.

These stories show that physical activity can transform mood, mindset, and mental health. There’s no one “right” way to move. The power lies in showing up—for yourself and your well-being.

Tips for Creating a Gentle, Consistent Routine

1. Start with what you have.
Your body is enough. Begin slowly. Don’t commit to intense programs until you know what you enjoy. Use the suggestions in this article to get started.

2. Set realistic goals.
Instead of “I’ll run a mile,” start with “I’ll walk for 10 minutes.” Small wins build momentum and confidence.

3. Pair movement with something uplifting.
Listen to your favourite playlist, audiobook, or exercise with a friend. It can make movement feel less like a chore and more like a joy.

4. Be flexible.
All-or-nothing thinking is a trap. If you don’t hit your full goal, that’s okay. Something is always better than nothing. If you’re consistently struggling to meet a goal, it may be time to adjust—without guilt.

Movement is an Act of Self-Love

Physical activity isn’t just about your body—it’s about your mind and emotions. Reframe movement as a practice of self-love. It’s about how it makes you feel, not how you look. Loving your body means moving when you can, resting when you need to, and always returning when you're ready.

Final Thoughts: Today Starts With Movement

As Lao Tzu said, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” The journey toward mental wellness through physical activity begins the same way.

I’m grateful physical activity is now part of my life. It was the missing piece in my structure, routine, and habits. It started with a walk—and I hope it continues for years to come.

I feel no pressure to “do more” on my movement journey. When setbacks happen, I remind myself that falling off track means there’s always a way back. Consistency isn’t easy. There will be days when “movement” doesn’t exist in your vocabulary. But every day ends, and a new one begins. Every day is an opportunity to start again.

To my readers: What’s one way you can move your body today? Just one. Start there.

When I was a little girl my mother and I would bake cakes together. She would put all the ingredients in a bowl–flour, butter, sugar, vanilla essence, eggs and a generous pinch of salt. She never forgot the salt even though it wasn’t a part of the recipe in the What’s Cooking in Guyana cook book that travelled with us from back home. One day curiosity got the better of me and I asked my mother why she put something salty in something that was made to taste sweet. The conversation went as follows:

“Mama why do you add salt to the cake? Won’t salt make the cake taste bad?” I inquired.

My mother smiled at me with a knowing smile she still gives me today and said, “You want to know a secret the recipe book won’t tell you? Salt will actually bring out the sweet flavour of the cake, it will make the cake taste better Nika.”

My little girl mind started to process what my mother was telling me and another question came to me, “So mama is salt in everything in the world? Does everyone know what salt is, what salt can do?”

She smiled again and gave me a surprising answer, “Yes Nika, salt is in most things it’s an essential part of life; it's in the Earth, in the animals, in us and the food we eat. Salt is a common thing but no, not everyone uses it in the right way, some people overuse it but everyone knows what it is.”

Because my mother was a registered nurse and a knowledgeable woman of science, I believed she was telling me the truth and from that truth came a surprising truth of my own. As I stirred the ingredients in the bowl, I considered each one carefully and realized that the one ingredient necessary for the world to be sweeter, better and nicer was a generous pinch of salt to bring forth its natural goodness. 

 I thought about the mean kids at school who bullied me relentlessly since my arrival to Canada the year before. I thought about the little boy that called me the N-word the first week of kindergarten and his father that encouraged him to do so. I thought about the challenges I had faced so far and were bound to face because I wasn’t like other kids. Then I thought about what it would be like to achieve the new desire growing in my heart and said with a steady and determined voice, 

“Well mama, one day my name will be as common as Salt.”

That was where my heart led me at 6-years old after a seemingly ordinary conversation with my mother about salt. I was a little girl with a big dream and though I had no idea how to make it happen it was born and grew in my heart over a bowl of cake mix and a generous pinch of salt and I was determined to see it through. 

The Long Painful Road to Losing My Way

When I was in high school I started scouting universities years before most students my age. At 15-years-old I went to a university fair and fell in love with Carleton University in Ottawa, ON. I took it as a done deal that I was destined to be there when I won a Carleton mug at one of the information sessions. I drank everything from that mug knowing that one day I would be sitting in a dorm room writing my New York Times bestseller in between lectures. 

When my senior year came and it was time to apply for schools, It was time to follow my heart to Carleton University. However, my parents were against me going away to school. They were worried about the 4 hour distance from Toronto to Ottawa, they were terrified something would happen to me and they couldn’t protect me. They loved me and wanted the best for me. They wanted me to take the safest route to higher education, a life with financial security and very little struggle or adversity. I told them on the final day to send in an acceptance letter that it was Carleton University or nothing. 

In September 2001, I sat on the front lawn of Carleton’s Glengarry residence–my new home–holding tight to my Carleton mug, watching hot air balloons float in the Ottawa skies like an oman of great things to come and waved goodbye to my family as they drove away. I had arrived, I had followed my heart and it was time to conquer the world. Go Where Your Heart Takes You. 

During the five years I spent in Ottawa I made friends that I still have today, I wrote articles, literary papers, historical essays, an honours thesis and thought provoking poetry that I performed on slam poetry stages across the city; I struggled with Major Depressive disorder and Generalized Anxiety disorder; I fell in love with a beautiful man who broke my heart and I graduated with an Honours degree in History.

I also developed a drug problem and experienced my first Manic-Psychotic episode and hospitalization in a psychiatric unit. When I moved back home with my parents I was unrecognizable. I continued to have rapid-cycle highs and lows for almost 17 years. I fell hard and fast and somewhere along the way I lost confidence in my internal compass, I stopped following my heart, allowing life to simply happen to me and allowing other people’s fear over my mental instability to dictate my actions.  

There were events that felt like wins along this long and painful road. I graduated from Humber College with a graduate certificate in Public Relations and Communications, I moved to Toronto to be an event planner after studying Event Management at Durham College and I became a Peer Support Specialist working for a major Toronto hospital which made me feel I had regained my sense of self and that my internal compass was back on track leading me in the direction of my heart’s desire. 

During this period of what I believed was wellness, I hosted a successful podcast, I became a mental health advocate and I had secured my dream job yet it all felt wrong, it all felt life the lies of an imposter. I knew in the deepest part of me that I was not listening to my heart anymore, rather I was leading with the fear in my head. I was living up to other’s expectations of me by pretending to be alright when inside I was not alright, I was dying and my heart was broken. 

When Your Heart is Broken It Still Speaks

In 2022, two years after COVID-19 turned the world upside down I had to take a hard look at my myself and my life choices: I was a woman with an unmanaged mental illness, I was non-compliant with my medication, I was self-medicating with cannabis and I was smoking a pack of cigarettes daily all while trying to balance work obligation and life obligations. I was stressed, depressed, depleted, avoiding my unaddressed trauma, Hypomanic–on my best days, Manic–on my worst. I was an overweight, people-pleasing burnout pretending to have it all together, pretending to be happy when in reality I was drowning. 

How did I get here? I truly believe it's because I did not go where my heart was trying to lead me. Instead of being the fearless little girl with a big dream I had turned into someone I did not recognize. I lost my way and had no idea how to find the right path, the one that would lead me down the road to fulfilling my big dream.

TRIGGER WARNING…

On November 7, 2022, I made a plan to end my life by driving into my parent’s poolhouse. My mind kept telling me I was an unloved, unwanted failure and I didn’t need to be here anymore. I remember the moment before I put my car into gear it was as if every broken piece of my heart went into gear as well and screamed at me, Onika! Stop! Don’t Do It! Remember Your Dreams! And at that moment, when it mattered the most my internal compass that lives in the centre of me came back to life and reminded me to lead with my heart and not my head. 

I remembered I had parents, nieces, a grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends that loved me. I remembered that I had been lost before and found my way back to myself with hard work and unwavering determination. I remembered that the only way out is through, that there was light at the end of the tunnel, sunshine after the rain and that this awful time would pass if I just fought for the happiness I deserved. Go Where Your Heart Takes You. 

Final Thoughts - Go Where Your Heart Takes You, It's Worth the Journey

Millions of words ago and hundreds of lived experience stories I started a blog and today I write #100. I’m a different person than I was at article #1. This blog has changed me but I had to make the necessary changes in my life to be able to be as real, raw and authentic as I’ve been with the readers that have supported me on my journey to wellness.

I’m still living with a severe mental illness but now with the support of my family, friends and healthcare team I’m not only managing my illness, I’m thriving in it. I’m over a year and a half sober as of this week and I have not touched a cigarette in the same length of time. I’ve lost 30 pounds by re-introducing structure, routine and healthy habits into my life. I practice self-care and mindfulness daily and I give myself grace and self-compassion when I fall short of achieving my goals. I’m kinder and more patient with myself accepting that I’m fabulous and flawed all at once.  

I focus on my passions and staying well so I can simply enjoy my life. I experience peace, love, joy and happiness and don’t allow the stresses that inevitably come overwhelm me. I haven't seen the inside of a psychiatric unit in almost 2 years. I live to please myself rather than others. Finally, because I put the pieces of my heart back together through resilience and grit my internal compass has never worked better.

Since that day in my childhood kitchen, I have made it a habit to follow my heart even when logic dictates I should go in a certain and usually safe direction. I have always looked inside of myself, to my internal compass that lies in the centre of me and gone my own way. Even when bad things happen and I want to give up I remember that if I hold onto my 6-year old self’s courage and determination, listen to my heart and embrace the journey regardless of where the road takes me I will not fail and I will find my dreams waiting for me to catch them. Today, I’m a writer, a blogger, a public speaker, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, an aunt, a cousin and a friend to a tribe that loves me and that is a dream come true.