Onika L. Dainty

A Diagnosis I Didn’t See Coming

It was January 2025 when I started a group trauma informed treatment program at Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Sciences. For the first time in the history of my mental illness, I was given access to my personal medical records from my stay at the psychiatric hospital. I was curious about what the medical staff, social workers, psychotherapists, and psychiatrist had observed while I was deeply unwell during my three month residency in 2024. When I began exploring the daily, detailed reports about my behaviour and activity on the unit, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It all appeared to fit my experience of mania and how I remembered behaving.

Then I opened a Psychosocial Assessment dated February 2, 2024, and something shifted inside me. It felt like the identity of my illness had changed, and with it, the way I had understood myself for over 20 years. The report read:

Ms. Onika Dainty is a 41 year old woman with a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, with noted borderline traits.

The ground beneath my feet shook. I knew it was not a medical error. I felt confused and betrayed, but also like I had just been handed another piece of the puzzle that makes up my complex mind. I knew very little about this diagnosis, yet I was determined to face it head on.

Being newly diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder can feel overwhelming, isolating, and hard to explain, even to yourself. This blog explores what schizoaffective disorder is, how it overlaps with diagnoses like bipolar disorder, and what it can mean to live with a layered mental health condition.

What Is Schizoaffective Disorder? A Blended Symptom Profile

What is Schizoaffective Disorder?

Schizoaffective disorder is a complex mental illness that blends symptoms of schizophrenia, such as hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thinking, with symptoms of a mood disorder, such as depression or mania. This combination can disrupt thoughts, emotions, and daily functioning. There are two main types: bipolar type and depressive type. It is often misdiagnosed early because the symptom profile overlaps with both schizophrenia and mood disorders like Bipolar disorder.

Schizoaffective vs Bipolar vs Schizophrenia

Schizoaffective disorder is a hybrid condition with a blended symptom profile. Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder have distinct clinical categories, with schizophrenia typically defined by psychosis and Bipolar disorder defined by episodic mood shifts. The overlap becomes especially confusing when someone experiences manic psychosis and continues to have psychotic symptoms after the mood episode begins to stabilize. In other words, the mood may calm down, but hallucinations, delusions, or disorganized thinking can linger beyond the manic phase.

The Emotional Weight of a Complex Diagnosis: A Formally Bipolar Woman’s New Blended Reality

The biggest challenge I faced with my new diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder-bipolar type, was the feeling of being misled by my medical team. I was almost a year out of hospital when I discovered it. If I had not been curious enough to read my medical reports, I would have continued living under a label that no longer fit the full picture of my mental health.

I was angry, ashamed, and afraid. The moment I read Schizoaffective disorder in my file, I felt like I had lost my identity. I felt like I had walked down the wrong path on my journey to wellness and that I was too far in to turn back and start over.

And yet, there was also relief. I had always felt pieces of my mental health puzzle were missing. When I am in psychosis, I have experienced auditory delusions, visual hallucinations, and extreme disorganized thinking. My Bipolar disorder framework could not fully explain those symptoms, so I told myself they were simply part of my manic episodes. After being in and out of psychosis for almost a year, unable to manage on my own, admitted and discharged from units whose main mandate was to stabilize me, I eventually became a resident of a mental health hospital with the time and resources to observe me properly.

When I saw the new diagnosis, I thought I should feel gratitude, but instead I mourned. I mourned the woman who had fought for almost 20 years against stigma, discrimination, and misunderstanding related to Bipolar disorder. I became an advocate, a peer support specialist, and a woman who learned the language of mental health so I could move through a world that often saw me as broken. How would I keep moving forward if I did not even know what I had? If my care team was not being transparent with me?

That evening I called my cousin in tears, and he asked me a profound question: Are you a different person than you were yesterday? Are you still the woman who has the tools to manage your mental illness, regardless of what it is called?

The answer was a resounding yes. My diagnosis had changed, but I had not. I was still Onika. I was still determined. My goal has always been healing, emotional stability, and a full, joyous, robust life. Nothing changed except that I now had a more complete picture of my symptom profile. I had to let go of the person I thought I was, close the door on the diagnosis I believed was mine, and make space to learn and grow within this new blended reality.

Learning to Manage the Dual Sides of the Diagnosis

Once I moved through the initial shock of my Schizoaffective disorder diagnosis and began educating myself, I was able to take my power back and rebuild a management strategy that spoke to all parts of my mental health. I started by looking at treatment options and realized they were similar to what I already knew. A combination of antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and psychotherapy was recommended by my mental health care team.

Since my discharge from Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Sciences in 2024, I have not experienced psychotic symptoms, but I have noticed longer mood shifts. I track these mini episodes in my daily planner because structure and self awareness help me stay grounded.

Managing Schizoaffective disorder has its challenges, but I prioritize routine, healthy habits, and stability as a form of protection. Sleep hygiene has become a primary pillar of my care plan. I am still a 5 a.m. person, but now I take my medication earlier so I can get eight to ten hours of sleep consistently. My second pillar is stress management. I use meditation, breathwork, and daily movement to reduce anxiety and support emotional regulation. My third pillar is medication adherence and transparency with my healthcare team. I take my medication as prescribed and check in monthly, or sooner if I feel a crisis on the horizon. The final pillar is self care, self compassion, and grace.

I feel brand new in this diagnosis, so I keep reminding myself that once upon a time I was new to Bipolar disorder too. I felt helpless and alone then. Over time, I learned to advocate for myself. I learned to lean on my support team. I learned that healing is a process, and that psychoeducation, routine, and community can hold you steady when your mind feels loud.

Final Thoughts

It’s Okay to Be in the Process

With this new diagnosis, I have had to accept a few hard truths. First, it is okay to be in the process, as long as I am an active part of the process. This diagnosis is part of my reality, but it is words on a page in the next chapter of my life, not the entire book and not how my story ends.

I have also learned to stop chasing the “right” label and start listening to my lived experience. Schizoaffective disorder is simply terminology for a cluster of symptoms I have always carried. In many ways, it is not a detour. It is a more accurate map for the journey I have already been on.

Whether it is Bipolar disorder, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, or Schizoaffective disorder, I have always fought for a better life while living with mental illness. None of these labels define me. They guide me toward understanding the unique, and often beautiful, trappings of a complex mind.

To my readers: If a diagnosis could be a doorway instead of a definition, what kind of understanding might you find on the other side?

Lost in the Fun, Then Lost in Myself

In December 2024, I traveled to Guyana, South America—my birthplace—for the first time in 20 years. I thought I was prepared, but I wasn’t. After a 17-hour layover in Port of Spain with no sleep, I arrived overwhelmed by the beauty and energy of home. I threw myself into the excitement, skipped medications, and survived on little rest. By the second week, I was edging into mania—sleep-deprived, irritable, and far from my baseline.

After an emotional outburst toward my cousin, I realized I had lost myself in paradise. Travel can disrupt even the strongest mental health routines, but I discovered it’s possible to find balance again—using small rituals and daily habits as a compass.

Why Travel Disrupts Bipolar Stability—and Why That’s Okay

Travel with bipolar disorder often destabilizes mental health because of:

• Circadian rhythm disruption: Jet lag and time zone shifts can trigger manic or depressive symptoms.
  
  

• Travel stress: Delays, long layovers, and overstimulation add strain, especially when sleep is lost.
  
  

• Diet and hydration: Unfamiliar foods, alcohol, or unsafe water can cause fatigue, disorientation, or mood instability.
  

During my Guyana trip, the unexpected layover shattered my sleep schedule. Overstimulation made rest impossible, and what felt like “energy” was really the onset of mania.

It’s important to normalize these ebbs and flows. Experiencing symptoms abroad doesn’t always mean you’re spiralling—it may simply be your body adjusting. Instead of panicking, lean on the structure, routines, and healthy habits you rely on at home. Rest when possible, release energy in healthy ways, and give yourself grace.

Rebuilding Routine in Small, Sustainable Ways

When travel pulls you off course, reestablishing even small routines can anchor your mental health.

• Medication: Take doses consistently, at the same time each day, even across time zones.
  
  

• Meals: Eat balanced foods on a schedule that mirrors home life.
  
  

• Emotional check-ins: Journal or track moods nightly to regulate emotions.
  

If your trip is fast-paced, set reminders or alarms for structure. Create micro-rituals like unpacking in each hotel, repeating bedtime routines, or listening to calming music while getting ready. These small anchors help stabilize emotions and reduce chaos.

The Power of Predictable Habits in Unfamiliar Places

Predictability creates safety in new environments. For bipolar wellness during travel, lean on familiar habits:

• Morning rituals: Just 10 minutes of journaling, meditation, or prayer can centre your day.
  
  

• Built-in breaks: Schedule downtime between major outings to restore balance.
  
  

• Sensory grounding: Drink the same tea, stretch, or use aromatherapy oils to recreate comfort.
  

These practices remind your mind and body that stability travels with you.

Final Thoughts: My Baseline Isn’t Just a Place—It’s a Practice

I once believed stability was tied to a fixed location. Now I know my baseline is portable—it lives in my choices, my breath, my rituals. Travel doesn’t mean abandoning structure, routine, or healthy habits; it means bringing them with me.

Yes, there will be times I lose balance through no fault of my own. But guilt only deepens the spiral. Compassion, rest, and gentle course-correction are what help me return to baseline.

I no longer push through symptoms to prove myself as a “good traveler.” I pause, check in, and trust myself. Travel is a radical act of self-trust—sometimes smooth, sometimes difficult, but always worth it.

Because no matter where I am in the world, I deserve stability, healing, and adventure.

To my readers: What small habit brings you home to yourself—no matter where you are?

The Science Behind Journaling and Mental Health

Journaling, also known as expressive writing, offers a number of benefits supported by science including improved emotional regulation, stress reduction and enhanced mental and physical wellbeing through thought organization and emotional processing elements. 

Emotional Processing and Regulation

Emotional Disclosure Theory: Psychologist James Pennebaker’s Emotional Disclosure Theory suggests that writing about emotional or traumatic experiences can help process difficult emotions and organize chaotic thoughts, providing the writer with release of pent-up feelings leading to improved mental clarity and resilience.  

Increase in Cognitive Activity: Brain scans have shown that writing about feelings can improve emotional control. There is evidence that Abstract writing–a concise summary of a longer piece of writing that highlights key points and conclusions, allows readers to quickly grasp the essence of the work and is more calming than Vivid writing–the use of vivid language to create memorable images.

Fight/Flight/Freeze Response Regulation: Journaling  helps calm the amygdala, the region in the brain responsible for processing emotions and triggering the stress response also known as the flight/flight/freeze response. Writing can lead to better emotional regulation. 

Stress Management: Expressive writing can support reducing the impact of stressful events which can lead to burnout and increased or chronic anxiety. Regular journaling can enhance mood and emotional awareness, reducing stress levels. Finally writing can lead to opportunities to share your lived experiences with others creating social support and facilitating healing and emotional well-being.   

You don’t have to be a seasoned writer, author or poet to receive the benefits you get from expressive journaling. Writing can be seen as an opportunity to self-reflect which enhances your cognitive processing skills. Regular journal writing promotes the regulation of mood swings and emotional stability for those with Bipolar disorder leading to an increased experience of emotional well-being and mental health outcomes. 

Beyond the Blank Pages: How Journaling Changed My Life 

When I was six years old my cousin gave me my first diary. It was pink with a locket and key. When I looked inside it was filled with blank lined pages. It took me days to figure out what the first words I would write in it would be and then one day I sat in my bedroom and decided to write a letter to myself. The first words I wrote in my journal was “Dear Me.” I can’t remember what my six-year-old self had to say in that first letter to myself but I do know I began a tradition that day that would continue until my current age of 42 years old. Not every piece of writing over my lifetime has started with these two words but I usually write to myself when I need encouragement, self-compassion, when I’m lost and can’t find my way, when I’m afraid or if I’m emotionally overwhelmed.

Over the past four decades I have used journaling as a means of release. I have written stories, poems, my dreams, my goals, my deepest thoughts, my greatest hopes, my manic dialogues, my fears, what I’m most grateful for, my happiest moments and my lowest times. This medium called expressive writing has allowed me the freedom to be myself when the world wanted me to be someone else, when my friends and family couldn’t understand who I had become my journal always waited with blank pages and open arms to accept my words for what they were no judgement, no questions, no guilt or shame. I filled the pages of hundreds of journals, most of which live on my bookshelves at home. 

During my many periods of instability writing has been my only way back to myself. Behind the covers of those journals I find my way back to myself with every word I write. I see the progress from manic-psychosis where my writing is full of paranoid delusions to  a place where sanity rather than insanity dwells. Below is a sample of a Dear Me letter from a journal I wrote in when I was hospitalized in 2009, my cousin who gifted me my first diary also gifted me this journal upon admission:

Sunday August 30, 2009

“Dear Me:

I lie in bed reading a novel about the 1893 World’s Fair in Chicago. I look ahead to the white walls I call courage, my gaze drifts to a sky blue blank canvas, I consider hope. It's well past midnight and right outside the window all you see is darkness and light that look like magic ferries. Even in the dark new life forms, trees push through the black earth, rise above the green grass until one day leaves bloom and breathe, in and out nature exhales. Even the branches know there is nowhere to go but up, toward the blue sky, towards freedom. It's a natural thing for me to look to my left but this time I don’t like what I see: sound proof, bullet proof, unbreakable glass. I hear a cry for help, then the rattle of chains and then I remember. Although the sun is starting to rise over my right shoulder, insanity awakens over my left. As night turns to day and the sky goes from black to indigo I remember I am not outside in the freedom of darkness witnessing the dawn push through the night. Instead, I am in isolation in a dimly lit room, ankles chained to a bed, on the tenth floor of a hospital’s PICU (Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit) with no hope of escaping.”

Although I experience freedom today, It has been through my writing that freedom has even been possible. Journal has and continues to provide me with a safe space whether I’m in my home doing my daily writing or on a psychiatric unit being held involuntarily. The people surrounding me understand that journaling is a significant part of my healing process. Even if I have to fold pages together to make my own book of blank pages I will always do what I need to to regain my balance. The realizations that come from self-reflective journaling have always led me down a path to wellness, given me courage to persevere and hope for what can sometimes feel like a hopeless future. When I am deeply in my illness my thoughts are disorganized chaos and then one day I put pen to paper and clarity appears cascading from my mind onto the pages of my journal reminding me I’m still me and that one day I will be whole again.       

Different Types of Journaling for Bipolar Disorder Management

• Mood Tracking Journals: Can aid in identifying emotional patterns and Bipolar triggers. A mood journal can be structured using a numerical scale (i.e. 1-5, 1-10) as well as a few written sentences describing how you feel as well as triggers you may experience throughout the day. You can check your progress weekly by comparing the daily scales and written comments. Mood tracking can also be beneficial to show your psychiatrist or other members of your care team.

• Gratitude Journals: Keeping a daily journal where you write at least three things you are grateful for can rewire the brain for positivity. It has been proven that this type of journaling can reduce stress and anxiety, improve overall mood and lead to better sleep habits. There is also evidence that gratitude journaling can improve heart health as well improve the health of your current and future relationships. 

• Journaling with Prompts: This form of writing can help with processing and releasing suppressed emotions. Through using the question and answer method individuals experience self-reflection and self-discovery leading to a greater awareness of challenges they face with their emotional well-being and overall life. These thought provoking questions can be found in pre-designed journals or there are questions online you can find that are related to your journaling goals.

• Stream-of-Consciousness Journaling: This type of journaling can be done daily. It aids in the exploration and processing of emotions allowing you to gain insight on your inner world and the feelings that drive you. By writing without constraints and filters this freeing form gives individuals an opportunity to express themselves and release emotions that may be locked deep inside.

• Art Journaling: This is one of the most creative forms of journaling as it pulls together colours, words and images as you wish. From doodling to sketching you use your creative mind to release pent-up feelings and anxiety you may be feeling throughout your day. This style allows an individual the freedom to express themselves through multiple mediums with a finished product that will speak to how you process and regulate your emotions.

How to Start Journaling for Healing and Self-Discovery

• Choosing a journaling style that fits your needs. The above list are only a few of the styles available to you. A variety of other journaling styles can be found online.

• Creating a consistent journaling habit without feeling overwhelmed. This is the key to effective journaling. Choose a time, day(s) and space in which to journal. If you are able to make writing a daily habit go for it! If your schedule only allows for a few times a week that’s okay too. 

• Journal prompts for self-reflection and emotional growth. To get started find a list of prompts online or in a pre-designed journal that speaks to your journaling goals. 

• Overcoming the fear of writing honestly about emotions. Never be afraid to be honest with yourself. Remember you are likely the only one who will have access to your journal. If you are concerned about others finding it there is always the “Burn After Reading” method (not literally)-after you write a piece in your journal, rip the pages out and get rid of them. 

Final Thoughts

Journaling is more than just words on a page—it’s a tool for self-discovery, healing, and empowerment. Women around the world are using writing to navigate their  journey through Bipolar disorder with strength and resilience. Expressive writing is a place you can find peace, stability and self-awareness. The blank pages of a journal are like a new beginning where you can reflect on your journey toward better mental health and wellness. It's a place where you can be honest with yourself even when you don’t feel like you can be honest with others. Writing can be restorative and it can rescue you from the darkest and most hopeless places. You do not have to be a novelist or a poet or even spell all the words correctly because with journaling there is zero judgement, all you have to do is try.   

If you’ve never tried journaling, now is the perfect time to start. Grab a notebook, try a prompt, and begin your journey toward self-healing today. Remember, every day is an opportunity to do something you’ve never done before.

I know you must be wondering where I disappeared to after my last post on January 9, 2025. The honest truth is I needed a mental health break. After my cousin’s passing in November 2024 and my travels to my home country of Guyana, South America I was mentally, physically and emotionally depleted. Although I had a wonderful time back home reconnecting with family and friends I was struggling with managing my mental health and maintaining my normal routine. The excitement of travel, being in a new environment, lack of sleep and mismanaging my medication (taking them at odd and inconsistent hours) threw me into a three-day manic episode. Historically, I have never had such a short period of Mania but the evidence was clear: excessive energy after a few hours sleep, racing thoughts, pressured speech, hyperspending and risky behaviour. After a few good nights of sleep and going back on my regular schedule for taking my medication I was able to manage the symptoms and fortunately I went back to baseline. 

When I returned home however, I was physically and mentally exhausted. My mood dipped into a depression and I had no energy or motivation to do the tasks I love like writing my blog. I also had to prepare myself mentally for what was upcoming, specifically starting my trauma treatment therapy. I didn’t stay down for long though, I got into gear by starting to rebuild my structure, routine and habits that are so important to my mental wellness. This included my daily to do lists, a new nutritional plan where I cook (yes I cook now) and eliminate processed foods (so no more DoorDash takeout) and I started going to the gym five days a week in the mornings and walking 3-5 miles on the treadmill. All of these habits–some new, some old, have helped me increase my energy, helped with my sleep hygiene and helped me find my motivation especially for writing to all the readers who have supported me through my journey.

So, I’m back! I can’t promise you I won’t need a break again because unfortunately Bipolar disorder can be unpredictable. What I can promise is that I will keep you updated with self-reflections on how I’m doing because I know you care, I know I’m not alone and we are on this journey together. Look out for my February 1 blog in recognition of the start of Black History Month.

Truly Yours,

Onika the Bipolar Butterfly.