My father is a man of very few words, at times, then there are other times his speech and presence commands a room through the magic of his storytelling. When it comes to me however, growing up my father said very little but what he did share with his eldest daughter was life lessons in the form of poetic advice that opened my mind and settled deep in the soul of my consciousness where I could reach them anytime or anywhere and at every point in my life. All that was required of me was that I listen, remember and apply his sage advice. The following memory is a seemingly insignificant story of spilt milk and how my father made this mishap into one of the most profound life lessons I have ever learned.

When I was seven years old I spilt an entire carton of buttermilk on my mom’s loveseat. I was attempting to churn butter, something I had learned on a recent school trip. I begged my mom to buy a carton of buttermilk so I could attempt to replicate this incredible process of turning liquid into solid butter and after much hesitation and a child’s persistence my mother gave in and bought me a litre carton of the milk. It was a Saturday morning when I would begin my project. Before I started, I jumped on the loveseat, grabbed the remote control and turned on the television to my usual Saturday morning cartoons. I then entered our apartment kitchen, went into the refrigerator to retrieve the buttermilk then headed to the bottom cupboard where my mom stored a myriad of old butter containers she reused as tupperware and refused to throw away. 

I sat down on my mother’s loveseat and began the process of shaking the buttermilk in the butter container, just as the kids were taught on our school trip. I shook and shook and shook periodically checking if milk had turned to creamy butter. Eventually my seven year old hands got tired and slippery so I decided to take a break and watch cartoons instead. As I put the butter container on the seat beside me, and shifted my focus to Bugs Bunny. The butter bowl tipped and thick, half-churned buttermilk spilled onto the right side cushion of my mother’s beloved brown loveseat. My parents hadn’t quite gotten up for the morning, so using my 7-year-old logic I took the opportunity to turn over the offended cushion to the cleaner side because I figured what they didn’t know I couldn’t get in trouble for.

I continued on with my morning routine of cartoons and dry Frosted Flakes, then my day filled with playing with my toys and my weekend in anxiety waiting to be caught for my actions. But time passed and nothing was said so by Monday morning when it was time to go to school I had stopped worrying about the split milk and by week’s end the milk was a distant memory. However, on Saturday morning, one full week after Milk-gate my mother noticed a funny smell that permeated the apartment. I sat silently on the left side of the love seat knowing what was assaulting my mothers senses and watched her frantically try to find the origins of the offending odor. My mom, in an accusatory fashion asked my father if he knew where the smell was coming from and he non-committally shrugged his shoulders as if to say “What smell?” which drove my mother crazy. Then she turned to me and asked, “Onika do you know where that smell is coming from?”

With a straight face and all the cowardly courage I felt in that moment I said “No,” I lied to my mother, not for the first time or the last in my lifetime but this was a significant moment in the history of my lies because in the past I could always remember telling a lie or making up a story because I didn’t know the truth. I always tried to tell the truth but this time the lie was for purely selfish reasons even if that reason was self-preservation. After an hour of tearing through our apartment my mother gave up and left to do her weekly grocery shop.   

It was just me and my dad now. He called me over to sit beside him and in a quiet knowing tone he said, “Onika LaToya, tell me about the spilt milk” then he reached over to the adjacent love seat and flipped over the offended cushion, the one one the right side, the one I had been avoiding all week, the one that in my heart I knew hadn’t disappeared but was waiting in the wings to destroy me. At that moment I hated butter, I hated buttermilk and I hated that smelly loveseat. I felt absolute terror at what my father was going to do..this was his reaction:

He earnestly looked me in the eyes as if to say,’Little girl I’ve got nothing but time and all day to waste it.” So panicked, the truth came rushing out. I told him about school, the bullying and my hopes that making the best butter in class would make it stop; I told him about spilling the milk on the love seat the week before and I told him that I had lied to mom. After barely taking a breath during my confession tears stained my cheeks, my dad opened his arms and I ran to him. He comforted me, stroked my hair and soothed me back to myself. He knew he had a highly emotional daughter that often allowed herself to get swept away in those emotions. Then my dad did something I will never forget– he laughed out loud.

Then he said, “ Onika LaToya I’ve been sitting in sour milk stink for a week now, you think I didn’t know it was you that split the milk? I just wanted you to be the one to tell mom or me what you had done. Up til now your mom still blames me but we both know the truth don’t we? And it’s too late to tell your mother, the damage has been done and can’t be undone.”

My dad’s face became somber and he looked at me squarely in the eyes to impart a lesson I haven’t forgotten to this day. This lesson has been my moral compass and my guiding light when I was lost and unsure what direction to choose. “Onika LaToya, sweetheart, there are three things in life you can’t get back once they are gone: a lost opportunity, a shot arrow and the spoken word.”

He continued, “You had an opportunity last week to tell your mom the truth and you didn’t because you were afraid. Instead of telling your mom the truth you lied again because you were afraid. And darling you must always be careful with the arrows you shoot because once it leaves the bow it can end up in the air, in the ground or in someone's heart.”

My daddy taught me to always be fearless in the face of opportunity, speak the truth and be careful where I shoot my shots. It took me years to understand what he meant that day but a lesson learned as a result of childhood follies is a lesson learned for life. I also learned that morning that the only thing you can get back once you’ve made a mistake is love, forgiveness and understanding but it may not always be the case. Thanks Daddy for teaching me this valuable lesson, for your forgiveness and love when I shoot first and think later.

I feel fear. I worry constantly over what ifs, and I have anxiety about my future. Even though I know these emotions are reasonable and rational, it doesn't stop the fear and anxiety from consuming me on a regular basis. I remember growing up feeling afraid of a lot of things a lot of the time. I learned brutal lessons at an early age that taught me to not trust, to doubt myself, to fear failure.

I fear disappointing people, I fear being disappointed by people; I fear being alone and I fear making connections; I fear being unloved or forgotten and I fear being remembered for the wrong things. But the biggest thing I fear is the vast unknowingness of the future.

I try to live a life of certainty, staying in the realm of things I can control. Some would call me a control freak, but I just think I’m careful, cautious. But I started to find in recent years that the carefully constructed world that I had created for myself was falling apart around me. I was losing everything, especially losing sight of my goals. I needed to make a change because being fearful was stopping me from following my dreams and achieving my goals. I realized that my future was mine to make so it was time to stop fearing the unknown and jump in both feet first regardless of the outcome. I vowed I would be fearless in my pursuit of happiness; I would take risks big and small to build and create the future I want for myself. It was time to feel the fear and do it anyway and that’s exactly what I did.

One year later, I am about to be a published author. I have my own podcast and my writing, pieces that I have held back for years are out there for all the world to read. I know I’m on the right track to reaching my destination. Do I still feel fear? Absolutely but I know those are just thoughts and worries. Thoughts are not facts and are not based in reality. I realized though my thoughts tend to go to dark places sometimes I have learned that breaking free from the darkness and having hope is ultimately the key to fulfilling the dreams I hold for my future. I have to have faith in myself and God that I’m going in the right direction because hope without faith is fear, and my new ambition is to move forward on my journey with fearless abandon.

Final Thought

I wrote the above entry in my first attempt at blogging in 2018. Life for me has changed a lot. Like I said I still feel fears and anxiety especially around my future success. Back then fear was all-consuming and I had very little confidence in my abilities. Although I had a successful podcast, The DaintyDysh Podcast where I had candid conversations about my mental health and the mental health of others in my community. Even though I was claiming the title of writer, podcaster and public speaker I felt like a fraud. I was constantly looking over my shoulder fearing that I would be found wanting, an untalented imposter. Even though I reference the book I read as a young girl, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by author Susan Jeffers, the fear never truly went away. It’s only now that I am living the truth of those words. I thought it was important to reflect on the fears that have always held me back, kept me stuck, and paralysed me making it impossible to move forward. A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 

Coming Soon

I have also decided to share with you the lessons that inspired me to be fearless and relentless in my pursuit of happiness and success. I will be posting the life lessons that have shaped and influenced my personal growth and development. A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection: 42 Years of Lessons series begins on December 30, 2024, my 42nd Birthday. It is my hope that these lessons will touch your lives and inspire positive change on your journey to wellness.    

Understanding Bipolar Disorder and Its Impact on Relationships

Bipolar disorder is characterized by mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression). While my journey has been shaped by the distinct symptoms of Bipolar I disorder, it’s crucial to recognize how these fluctuations can profoundly impact interpersonal relationships. For women like me, who often grapple with the unique challenges posed by this disorder, the stakes are particularly high.

During manic phases, the lines between appropriate behaviour and crossing boundaries can blur. I’ve often found myself engaging in actions that disrupt not only my well-being but also the well-being of those around me. It’s essential to understand that the effects of Bipolar disorder can strain relationships, whether with friends, family, or colleagues. As someone who has experienced these dynamics firsthand, I know how isolating it can feel when boundaries become unclear or, worse, violated.

The Concept of Boundaries: What Are They?

Personal boundaries are the limits we establish to protect our emotional and physical space in relationships. They help define how we interact with others and how we expect to be treated. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or related to our time.

1. Physical Boundaries: These encompass personal space and physical touch. I’ve learned the hard way that respecting my own physical boundaries is vital for my mental wellness. During episodes, I sometimes struggle with physical boundaries, inadvertently invading others' personal spaces or allowing others to invade mine.

2. Emotional Boundaries: These involve separating your feelings from those of others. For a long time, I felt responsible for the emotions of those around me. Setting emotional boundaries has allowed me to prioritize my own mental health.

3. Time Boundaries: This type relates to how we manage our time and commitments. I’ve often found it challenging to say no when my energy is low. Learning to set clear time boundaries has been transformative for me.

Understanding and establishing these boundaries is crucial not just for our relationships, but for our mental health as well.

Recognizing the Need for Boundaries

Recognizing when boundaries are needed in relationships can be tricky. Often, the signs manifest as feelings of anxiety, discomfort, or resentment. I’ve found that when I experience emotional unease, it’s usually an indication that a boundary needs to be established or reinforced.

When someone crosses your boundaries, the impact on your mental health can be significant. It can lead to feelings of betrayal, lowered self-esteem, and increased anxiety. I’ve had to learn through personal experiences that I cannot depend on others to respect my boundaries if I don’t communicate my boundaries clearly.

Reflecting on my life, I remember times when I felt pressured to compromise my boundaries, especially in friendships that felt codependent. It took years of practice and self-awareness to understand that it was okay to assert my needs without fear of rejection.

Strategies for Setting and Communicating Boundaries

Setting boundaries is one thing, but communicating them effectively is another. Here are some strategies I’ve found helpful:

1. Identify Your Boundaries: Take the time to reflect on what makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable. Understanding your own limits is the first step in boundary setting.

2. Communicate Assertively: When expressing your boundaries, use clear and direct language. For example, I’ve learned to say, “I need some time alone to recharge. Please don’t call me after 9 PM.”

3. Practice Role-Playing Scenarios: Sometimes, rehearsing how you’ll communicate your boundaries can ease anxiety. I’ve often practiced these conversations with trusted friends, which helps me feel more confident.

4. Use the “Please-If-Then-Thank-You” Method: This approach allows you to be polite yet firm. For instance, “Please respect that I need to go to bed early for my mental health. If you continue to call me late, I’ll have to block your number until you can respect my needs. Thank you.”

Maintaining Boundaries in Challenging Situations

Dealing with pushback can be one of the most challenging aspects of boundary setting. People often react negatively when they hear “no.” It’s essential to stay firm in your decisions. When I’ve faced resistance, I’ve found it helpful to repeat my boundary calmly.

Coping with guilt can also be tricky. I’ve had to examine where my feelings of guilt come from and remind myself that boundaries are necessary for my mental health. For instance, I’ve had to let go of friendships that didn’t respect my boundaries, even though it was painful.

Techniques for reinforcing boundaries over time include consistent communication and self-reflection. I regularly check in with myself to see how my boundaries are holding up and whether adjustments are necessary.

The Benefits of Boundaries for Women with Bipolar Disorder

Setting and maintaining boundaries can lead to numerous benefits for women living with Bipolar disorder:

• Improved Mental Health: Clear boundaries help reduce anxiety and stress levels. I’ve experienced firsthand how they create a sense of safety and stability in my life.

• Enhanced Relationships: Healthy boundaries foster deeper connections with friends and family. I’ve found that my relationships flourish when I assert my needs respectfully.

• Greater Self-Esteem and Empowerment: Each time I set a boundary, I reclaim a part of my power. It’s empowering to know I have the right to protect my mental health.

By integrating boundary-setting skills into your life, you can experience the positive changes that come with self-advocacy and emotional resilience.

Final Thoughts

Setting and maintaining boundaries is a powerful tool for women with Bipolar disorder in managing relationships. By understanding their importance and employing effective strategies, you can foster healthier connections that honour your mental health and well-being. Remember, you have the right to establish boundaries that protect your peace. Start your journey today—empower yourself and embrace the benefits of healthier relationships.