Showing posts with label recovery journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery journey. Show all posts

Saturday, July 19, 2025

Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Women with Bipolar Disorder

Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Women with Bipolar Disorder

Trauma and Bipolar disorder are deeply intertwined, especially trauma experienced in childhood as it can potentially contribute to the development and severity of this mental illness in early adolescence or more commonly adulthood. Studies have shown that emotional abuse, for example, can impact brain development and long term function increasing an individual's vulnerability to mood disorders like Bipolar disorder.

My experiences with Gender-Based Violence (GBV) is the trauma at the root of my mood imbalances. This is not to say that if I had not experienced multiple and severe instances of GBV that I would not have developed Bipolar I disorder. Rather, my experiences and my lack of ability to cope with these traumas act as a contributing factor in how my mental illness developed. I believe seeking trauma-treatment earlier this year was a step toward the direction of continuing to manage this life-long disorder. Treatment and the coping strategies that I have learned has given me a sense of hope, understanding and personal growth. I learned a very important lesson through my  on-going treatment journey, that trauma may shape my past but it doesn’t have to define or break me. Healing must come from within for me to be whole again.    

 What Trauma Looks Like for Women with Bipolar Disorder

Trauma can come in many forms such as childhood neglect, physical or emotional abuse, grief after loss of a loved one, abandonment, emotional invalidation, systemic oppression or war trauma that leads to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). There are any number of traumatic or combined traumatic experiences that can complicate bipolar symptoms, deepening depressive episodes, amplifying anxiety and making mood regulation more difficult which can often lead to Manic or Psychotic episodes. 

Some women see their trauma as a normal fixture in their lives and do not realize they have experienced trauma until the healing journey begins. For other women, like myself,  I recognized my trauma had occurred in childhood, early adolescence and adulthood. However, I did not realize that my experiences were still affecting my daily life until I sought help from a professional and began to do the work to address my PTSD. For years, I compartmentalized my negative experiences placing it in the recesses of my mind but never really looking deep inside myself to examine how trauma plays a role in the development of my mental illness. I ignored trauma hoping it would eventually disappear and become a part of my past rather than shaping the actions of my present and future. I believe this mindset plagues a lot of women who have experienced unaddressed trauma.     

Completing Trauma Therapy: A Milestone in My Journey to Wellness

In May 2025, I completed a 12-week program through Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Science with a plan to continue seeking more treatment in the fall. I have struggled for years trying to find a place for the hurt, anger, shame, guilt, anxiety and fear that lived inside me due to my experiences with trauma. From the severe sexual assaults I have survived, to the loss of my grandmother which sent me spiraling into my first psychotic episode and the physical mistreatment I had experienced in the form of restraints during hospitalization, all could not be unpacked in the three months of treatment but I recognized that these experiences had a significant impact on my mental health and each trauma needed to be given attention.  

I came to realize that in the past I simply didn’t know where to begin so I shut down. Instead I focused on all the other areas in my life I felt I had control over: I built structure, routine and healthy habits; I got sober and maintained my sobriety; I managed my medication and stayed connected to my psychiatrist; I reconnected with family and friends; and I maintained weekly appointments with my counsellor. But it wasn’t enough. The ghosts of traumas past haunted me. I wasn’t sleeping well, my appetite was low, I was experiencing more frequent depressive episodes and my anxiety increased daily. Then my counselor suggested it was time to take a closer look at my trauma and how ignoring it was affecting my day-to-day ability to function. Together we researched several local trauma treatment programs and with her assistance and support I went through the referral process for several programs. 

When I started trauma-treatment in January 2025, I will admit I was sceptical about the kind of results I would get from peeling back so many layers from so many years ago. If I told you the 12-weeks of treatment was easy I would be lying.  Those three months were uncomfortable at best and painful at worst. I cried myself to sleep after almost every session but soon I noticed sleep became easier, my appetite began to return and that thing I always did where I check my front door to see if it's locked? That hasn’t gone away but it has gotten better. Treatment took an emotional toll on me but for the better and by my last session I had come to the realization that I was not nearly finished, there was more healing to be done. 

Life feels different. I have more clarity around my triggers, I am building a new relationship with boundaries and the tools I use to regulate my emotions have evolved. I feel more grounded but still have my moments of vulnerability. It’s not a perfect life but it feels more manageable, more authentic and more mine. I know I am just at the beginning of this new journey and my trauma will always walk with me but soon, with a lot of work it will be at a distance rather than ahead of me defining where my path leads.  

Life Post Trauma-Treatment: You Don’t Just “Get Over” Trauma—You Grow Around It and Thrive

After months of treatment, I likened my trauma to having a beautiful mirror covering a gaping hole in the wall. When the mirror shatters and falls you are left looking at a giant hole you put the mirror in front of to hide in the first place. The shattered mirror isn’t the trauma, the hole is and me facing myself in the mirror is the first step toward healing. You can never erase the trauma, never just “get over” it no matter how many beautiful things, events, experiences or people you place in front of it. Rather, by learning to face trauma you can work with it, take control of it and find your wholeness again despite the holes. 

Through treatment I didn’t “get better, I got stronger with tools.” I learned more about how my trauma affected my emotional patterns, I am now able to recognize my trauma responses and apply the coping tools I learned before my reactions spiral out of control leading to anxiety or in some cases worse. Some of the exercises that helped me that may help you include:

  • Grounding Exercise: Earthing (connecting body with the earth), deep breathing and meditation (InsightTimer App)

  • Daily Journaling with Prompts (Usually found in my workbook but can be found online if you search by topic)

  • Daily Affirmations (IAM App)

  • Daily Exercise (Release stress and anxiety)

  • Community and Family Support

By incorporating these few habits and relating them to healing my trauma, I’ve discovered new ways to thrive in a world where oftentimes there is no escaping bad experiences in a healthy way. Though I had my doubts about my ability to feel joy, love and happiness while living with trauma, now I know that not only is it possible to feel worthy of love but to actually feel my soul rest because I trust myself to handle the tough moments when they inevitably come. 

Final Thoughts-Words for Women Still in the Storm

To the women who are still experiencing unaddressed trauma, still living in the pain of the past, unsure if you can face yourself and the experiences that currently shape your present there is hope. You don’t have to be fearless, you simply have to be ready to try. There is strength in vulnerability and wisdom in not knowing where the journey will lead you but having faith in the fact that something positive is waiting for you at the end of what I can promise won’t be an easy road but a highly rewarding journey to being whole. Remember, your story is real and relevant.  As hard as it will be to speak, that painful truth deserves space in this world even if the world shakes when you tell it. 

I grateful for the tools I have gained in my trauma treatment journey and I feel no fear for the journey ahead of me because I know that I have the love of my family and friends, the support of my healthcare team and the faith that the Onika I am becoming is strong enough to handle any and all challenges, tough moments and painful tears on my road to wellness. Trauma may live with me but it no longer controls me or the decisions I make regarding my future success and happiness. Thank you to my trauma treatment team for your support and encouragement during this difficult but worthwhile process. 

To my readers currently living with unaddressed trauma I invite you to consider: What would healing look like for you—on your own terms?
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Tuesday, December 31, 2024

A Bipolar Woman's Final Dedication - Let's Take A Walk

A Bipolar Woman's Final Dedication - Let's Take A Walk

Dedicated to Kim: My Big Sister, My Person.


My phone would ring and on the other end of the line would be Kim, her voice soft and sweet and knowing. She’d say, “Hey Sis, let's take a walk.” These walks by the Ajax Lakeshore started in 2009 after I fell into a deep depressive episode. I was locked away in my room for months and no one could reach me, no one could understand. But one day I looked up through the sadness and pain and there was Kim with a smile on her face and determination in her eyes. She asked me what would feel good in that moment, what would relieve some of the pain and anxiety that had defined my days and I answered, “the lake.” Kim smiled and said, “I love the lake, let’s take a walk.”


It was almost spring and the cold was biting but I could tell she didn’t mind, Kim was always a child of nature. At first we would just sit on the bench and watch the water in silence because Kim knew instinctually I didn’t have the strength to walk after months of being bed ridden, she knew all I needed was to breathe and she would breathe with me, when the tears of frustration and hopelessness came, she would hold my hand offer her shoulder, hold me tightly in her warm embrace and let me cry encouraging me to release the pain. And only when she felt movement was the next natural step she would look into my tear filled eyes and smile that knowing Kim smile full of kindness and empathy, understanding radiating from every pore of her being but most of all determination ever-present then she’d say “Let’s take a walk.”


The process of getting me moving again took hours, days and weeks and Kim never gave up. She would call me everyday and say, “Hey Sis, let’s take a walk.”and we’d go and watch the sunrise over Lake Ontario, we’d talk about the miracles of God, we’d talk about our futures full of hope, joy and possibilities, we’d stop by our favourite Willow tree and practice Tai Chi, we’d walk barefoot on the sandy beach picking up heart shaped rocks for my collection. On our long walks along the shoreline Kim with her curious nature would often be the one to venture onto paths unknown and the roads less travelled. That was Kim, adventurous, fearless, risk taking, wise, with a free spirit that burst through her touching everything and everyone around her, simply making us better, making me better. 


For years “Let’s take a walk” was code for both our need to escape to our happy place. They say God is in everything but Kim and I never felt closer to God or each other than on those walks by the lakeshore. On those long walks we forged an unbreakable bond. At first it was she who supported me in my journey to mental wellness but after many years, dozens of walks, hundreds of conversations and thousands of steps we grew to support each other. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Kim took those steps with me. Her unconditional love, unwavering support, patience, non-judgment, empathy, acceptance and understanding are among the reasons I’m alive and well today. 


Kim had a unique way of knowing what you needed even when you didn’t know. She was stubborn in her determination and authentic and passionate about the people she loved. And Kim Taslim loved me. She walked with me, she comforted me, she danced with me, she laughed with me, she supported my dreams, she never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself. She was my Big Sister, My Mentor, My Teacher, One of my Greatest Advocates and she was and always will be my Person. So Taslim, Sis, I will be at the lakeshore where we had our best moments, our happiest memories, where you taught me what true love means. I will stand by our Willow tree, watch the sunrise and wait to hear you whisper from the sky above: “Hey Sis, Let’s Take A Walk.”


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Monday, December 16, 2024

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear - Part 1: Feel The Fear

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear - Part 1: Feel The Fear

By Onika Dainty


I feel fear. I worry constantly over what ifs, and I have anxiety about my future. Even though I know these emotions are reasonable and rational, it doesn't stop the fear and anxiety from consuming me on a regular basis. I remember growing up feeling afraid of a lot of things a lot of the time. I learned brutal lessons at an early age that taught me to not trust, to doubt myself, to fear failure.

I fear disappointing people, I fear being disappointed by people; I fear being alone and I fear making connections; I fear being unloved or forgotten and I fear being remembered for the wrong things. But the biggest thing I fear is the vast unknowingness of the future.

I try to live a life of certainty, staying in the realm of things I can control. Some would call me a control freak, but I just think I’m careful, cautious. But I started to find in recent years that the carefully constructed world that I had created for myself was falling apart around me. I was losing everything, especially losing sight of my goals. I needed to make a change because being fearful was stopping me from following my dreams and achieving my goals. I realized that my future was mine to make so it was time to stop fearing the unknown and jump in both feet first regardless of the outcome. I vowed I would be fearless in my pursuit of happiness; I would take risks big and small to build and create the future I want for myself. It was time to feel the fear and do it anyway and that’s exactly what I did.

One year later, I am about to be a published author. I have my own podcast and my writing, pieces that I have held back for years are out there for all the world to read. I know I’m on the right track to reaching my destination. Do I still feel fear? Absolutely but I know those are just thoughts and worries. Thoughts are not facts and are not based in reality. I realized though my thoughts tend to go to dark places sometimes I have learned that breaking free from the darkness and having hope is ultimately the key to fulfilling the dreams I hold for my future. I have to have faith in myself and God that I’m going in the right direction because hope without faith is fear, and my new ambition is to move forward on my journey with fearless abandon.

 

Final Thought


I wrote the above entry in my first attempt at blogging in 2018. Life for me has changed a lot. Like I said I still feel fears and anxiety especially around my future success. Back then fear was all-consuming and I had very little confidence in my abilities. Although I had a successful podcast, The DaintyDysh Podcast where I had candid conversations about my mental health and the mental health of others in my community. Even though I was claiming the title of writer, podcaster and public speaker I felt like a fraud. I was constantly looking over my shoulder fearing that I would be found wanting, an untalented imposter. Even though I reference the book I read as a young girl, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by author Susan Jeffers, the fear never truly went away. It’s only now that I am living the truth of those words. I thought it was important to reflect on the fears that have always held me back, kept me stuck, and paralysed me making it impossible to move forward. A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 


Coming Soon


I have also decided to share with you the lessons that inspired me to be fearless and relentless in my pursuit of happiness and success. I will be posting the life lessons that have shaped and influenced my personal growth and development. A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection: 42 Years of Lessons series begins on December 30, 2024, my 42nd Birthday. It is my hope that these lessons will touch your lives and inspire positive change on your journey to wellness.    

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Saturday, October 5, 2024

5 Lessons I Learned from Managing Bipolar Disorder

 

5 Lessons I Learned form Managing Bipolar Disorder

By Onika Dainty

Managing Bipolar I disorder is a lifelong journey, and if I’m being honest, it hasn’t always been easy. Looking back, I remember the first time I felt my moods swinging like a pendulum. I was a teenager, barely 16-years-old, when Anxiety and Depression started to creep in. Now, two decades later, I’ve learned a lot about myself and my disorder. In this post, I want to share five lessons that helped me live with Bipolar I disorder and find some peace, even during the toughest times. This is for anyone feeling lost—you're not alone.

1. Recognizing the Early Signs of Bipolar I Disorder

I didn’t know what was happening to me when I started experiencing these extreme emotional highs and lows as a teenager. One day I’d feel like I could conquer the world, bursting with energy and ideas, and the next, I couldn’t get out of bed. I wasn’t just “moody” or having a rough time; it was something deeper and more persistent. The anxiety and depression I felt were red flags, but it wasn’t until I saw a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with Depression and Generalized Anxiety disorder that I started to understand what was happening.Although my Bipolar I diagnosis came much later the signs of the serious mood disorder to come surfaced in my teens.

If you suspect something similar in yourself or a loved one, my advice is to pay close attention to the patterns of your moods. If you're feeling stuck in extreme highs and lows for extended periods, it might be time to seek professional help. Early diagnosis is crucial because it gives you the chance to begin managing it before it becomes more disruptive. For more in-depth guidance, check out my post, How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide. This resource provides practical steps to help you on your mental health journey.

2. The Role of Therapy in Managing Bipolar Disorder

I’ve been in and out of therapy for years, and one thing I’ve learned is that therapy is an essential part of managing Bipolar I disorder. It took me a while to find the right approach and the right therapist, but once I did, things started to make sense. For me, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been a game-changer. It taught me to challenge negative thought patterns and helped me build coping strategies for when I feel a manic or depressive episode coming on.

Mindfulness practices have also helped me stay present and avoid being completely overwhelmed by emotions. However, therapy isn’t just about what happens during sessions; it’s about applying those techniques in real life. Having someone to talk to—whether it’s a therapist, counselor or even a peer support group—can make all the difference in maintaining stability. In a future post I will guide you through my journey finding various therapeutic options and provide tips for finding the right fit for your needs.

3. Medication is Not One-Size-Fits-All

When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder, I thought that once I started medication, everything would instantly get better. That wasn’t the case. The truth is, finding the right medication—or combination of medications—is a journey in itself. I’ve been on several different medications over the years, and it’s taken time to find what works for my body without overwhelming side effects.

It’s frustrating, to say the least. There were times when I felt like giving up, but I’ve learned to be patient with the process. It’s important to work closely with your psychiatrist and medical team, be honest about how you’re feeling, and understand that it might take time to get things right. Managing Bipolar I disorder with medication isn’t about perfection; it’s about finding a balance that lets you function in your daily life without feeling like a zombie or spiraling into Mania or Depression. The How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide elaborates on how to approach medication management effectively, empowering you to take charge of your treatment.

4. Building a Support System

If there’s one thing I can’t emphasize enough, it’s the importance of a strong support system. Living with Bipolar I disorder is hard enough, and trying to do it alone is even harder. Over the years, I’ve leaned on family, close friends, and even peer support groups. My family has been my rock, but it hasn’t always been easy for them to understand what I’m going through.

Having people who truly understand—whether it’s someone with the same diagnosis or a therapist—has been incredibly empowering for me. I’ve also had to learn to set boundaries with people who unintentionally trigger me or drain my energy. It’s okay to protect your mental health by saying “no” when you need to. In a future post, I explore how to build and nurture your support network effectively, offering practical tips to help you find the right people to surround yourself with.

5. Prioritizing Self-Care and Setting Boundaries

When you’re managing Bipolar I disorder, self-care isn’t just a buzzword—it’s a necessity. I’ve learned that if I don’t prioritize my mental and physical health, I can’t function. Simple things like getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising make a huge difference in keeping my mood stable. When I’m stressed or overwhelmed, I’m much more likely to slip into a manic or depressive episode.

Routine is another big part of staying well. I try to keep my daily schedule consistent, even when life gets hectic. And perhaps most importantly, I’ve learned to set boundaries. Saying “no” to extra commitments or toxic relationships has been one of the hardest but most necessary lessons. When I take care of myself first, I’m in a much better position to handle whatever life throws my way. For more self-care strategies and tips, be sure to check out the self-care section in the How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide, where I delve deeper into creating a personalized self-care routine.

Final Thoughts

Managing Bipolar I disorder takes a lot of trial and error, but the most important lesson I’ve learned is that you have to be kind to yourself. This journey isn’t linear, and there will be setbacks, but it's about making progress, not being perfect. Whether it’s through therapy, medication, or building a support system, you are not alone. Take it one day at a time, and remember, it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. The more you learn about yourself and your Bipolar disorder, the better you’ll get at managing it. Trust the process and keep moving forward.

For a more comprehensive understanding of how to navigate this journey, I encourage you to read How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide. Together, we can empower ourselves to face the challenges of Bipolar disorder and find the path toward a balanced life.
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Monday, September 30, 2024

How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide

How to Start Managing Bipolar I Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide
By Onika Dainty

Living with Bipolar disorder is a unique journey that comes with its own set of challenges and lessons. I’ve been navigating Bipolar I disorder for over 20 years, and during that time, I’ve learned a lot about how to manage this condition effectively. As a 42-year-old woman, born in Georgetown, Guyana, and now living in Durham Region, Ontario, my journey has been shaped by both personal experience and professional growth. Today, I’m a Peer Support Specialist, a daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, cousin, and friend, using my lived experiences to help others.

In this guide, I’ll share my insights on how to manage Bipolar I disorder, including my personal experiences with Hypomania, Mania, psychosis, delusions, hallucinations, and suicidal ideations. I’ll also touch on Bipolar II disorder and Cyclothymic disorder, although I’m not an expert on those. Through self-advocacy, a structured routine, medication management, and the support of a strong team, it’s possible to build a more stable life.

Understanding Bipolar I Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition characterized by extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (Mania or Hypomania) and lows (Depression). Bipolar I disorder, which I live with, involves episodes of Mania lasting anywhere from 6 days to 8 weeks. Hypomania can last for months before progressing into full Mania, which often leads to hospitalization. During these manic phases, I’ve experienced delusions, hallucinations, and psychosis, often accompanied by suicidal ideations.

Bipolar II disorder, on the other hand, involves Hypomanic episodes followed by severe Depressive episodes, while Cyclothymic disorder is characterized by numerous periods of Hypomanic and Depressive symptoms lasting at least two years, though less severe.

For a long time, I kept a copy of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) on my nightstand—my reference to understanding the medical definitions and criteria for Bipolar and other mental health disorders. If you haven’t familiarized yourself with the DSM-5 yet, it’s a helpful tool for understanding the nuances of these conditions.

My Experience with Triggers

I’ve learned the importance of identifying triggers that can lead to mood swings. For me, triggers include lack of sleep, seasonal changes, traveling, and even daily changes in routine. Substance use has also played a role in triggering episodes. I don’t have a history of alcohol abuse, but marijuana was my drug-of-choice and a gateway into my first manic episode at 21-years-old. I later struggled with cocaine use, which became a significant trigger for Mania. Today I am proudly sober, however self-medicating with substances is often a slippery slope that leads to serious and life-altering episodes. Recognizing these patterns and avoiding triggers is critical for managing my Bipolar disorder.

Medication Management

When it comes to medication management, it’s essential to build a relationship with your doctors and communicate clearly when medications aren’t working or when side effects are unbearable. I’ve experienced side effects ranging from weight gain, insomnia, a zombie-like state, tremors, and even suicidal thoughts. Currently, I’m on a cocktail of mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to balance my brain chemistry, but it took time and advocacy to find what worked for me. Self-medicating, especially with marijuana or other substances, can be the downfall of managing the condition, as it was for me.

My Support Team

Your support team doesn’t have to be large—it can consist of 2-3 people with different roles. In my case, my substitute decision-maker is someone I met during my third manic episode in 2009. She handles my home, medications, and doctor communication when I’m hospitalized. I also have a wellness support friend who pushes me towards positivity, and my cousin provides spiritual counseling, helping me recenter on my faith.

In addition to my main support team, I have a few others who provide intellectual stimulation, motivation, and caretaking. For mental health professionals, I work with psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors, though it’s important to note that there can be long wait times and high costs. Alternatives like counselors, caseworkers, and social workers are available through outpatient services.

Hospitalization Experiences

I’ve had 13 manic or psychotic episodes that required hospitalization, and they are often deeply isolating experiences. Hospital stays can last anywhere from 2 to 3 months, and I’ve been restrained, sedated, and placed in isolation during these periods. These experiences are difficult, and they underscore the need for a crisis plan that outlines your preferences for which hospitals to go to and which to avoid. It’s also important to have a plan for who will manage your bills and speak on your behalf during these times.

Structure, Routine, and Habits

Maintaining structure and routine is a crucial aspect of managing Bipolar I disorder. Personally, after major episodes, I’ve found that going back to school provided the structure I needed to regain stability. It’s through this cycle that I found my passion—helping others through peer support. I’ve since become a Peer Support Specialist through Peer Support Canada, and it’s a designation I’m incredibly proud of. Building a routine centered around spiritual practices like daily prayer and meditation, self-care activities, medication management, nutrition and exercise, psychoeducation, self-reflection and counseling I continue to build good habits that help me thrive in my Bipolar I disorder.   

Crisis Planning

A comprehensive crisis plan includes regularly updating it with your doctors and counselors and ensuring that the important people in your life know how to act during a crisis. For example, in Ontario, we can use outpatient services to work on crisis plans, and in Durham Region specifically, I rely on Durham Mental Health Services (DMHS). Familiarizing yourself with local resources can be life-saving. You should also share your crisis plan with those close to you, including information on wellness checks and preferences for hospital care.

Emergency Resources

It’s vital to be aware of what emergency resources are available in your community. In Durham Region, Ontario, I rely on Durham Mental Health Services (DMHS). They provide support for individuals experiencing mental health crises and connect people with the resources they need. These services have been a cornerstone in my crisis planning and overall management of Bipolar I disorder.

Final Thoughts

Managing Bipolar I disorder is a complex journey that requires self-awareness, a strong support system, and effective strategies for coping. By understanding the condition, identifying triggers, and advocating for yourself in medication management, you can work towards a more balanced life. My experiences have taught me the importance of connection, both with others and with myself. As I continue on my journey, I hope that sharing my story and insights will help others navigate their own paths with Bipolar I disorder. Remember, you are not alone, and there is a community of support available to help you through.
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