Everything feels so bright and blinding and all the pretty colours distracting you from everything else that’s going on around you. The kaleidoscope stops you from seeing what’s actually happening to you, because of you. You are trapped inside yourself and the voice of reason that’s supposed to warn you that things are not as they seem is drowned out by all the pretty colours. But if you just reach out in front of you, you will realize what you are seeing isn’t real, what you are feeling isn’t real, what you are experiencing isn’t real, you are trapped by your own thoughts.

Nobody ever tells you that when you lose your mind you are fearless, weightless, floating with no idea where you are going to land and because you feel no fear you, feel no worry and when you fall, crashing down from that high nobody ever tells you what happens when you land, no one tells you about the wreckage below when you finally stop floating aimlessly and weightlessly in a world only you can see. When your feet touch the ground and clarity hits you, your fear returns and the harsh reality of all that has transpired must be faced.

Nobody ever tells you the hardest part about losing your mind isn’t the losing, it’s the comeback afterwards. Many people are not fortunate enough to attain a second chance. Their minds are too far gone to comprehend a world without the lens of a kaleidoscope. I am fortunate however to have lived in a world of second chance, more chances than I care to remember that I squandered. I have lost my mind many times over the years, each episode more damaging than the last but I have always managed to come back from the edge of insanity though I am still not sure why or how I’m still standing.

Final Thought

Bipolar 1 disorder can be a terrifying, dangerous and destructive illness. It’s not in experiencing Mania that I have experienced fear, rather as I said in my entry from earlier on in my journey it's the kaleidoscopic chaos that occurs when you are in a delusional state. In my wellness I have learned that I like to maintain a certain level of control over every aspect of my life. I have created structure, routine and habits to mitigate manic behaviours. The problem is no matter what systems I put in place, manic chaos lurks in the wings waiting to destroy all the hard work I have done to maintain my sanity. Therein lies the fear of Mania. When I’m experiencing an episode I am completely unaware of the destruction I’m causing to myself, my finances, my home, my career, my family and my friendships. What I have always labelled the comeback after the comedown is a period in my life where I have to face the damage I’ve done that often I don’t remember. I can say I’m sorry, I can express regret but in reality I don’t remember what I’m sorry for and what I regret. What I can say is that I continue to do what needs to be done to manage my mental health, I choose not to let fear of Mania dictate my future, I have faith and hope and an unwavering belief in myself and those that love and understand my illness that when another episode occurs we will be equipped to handle it together, no collateral damage necessary.  

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 

Coming Soon

By Onika Dainty

Managing Bipolar I disorder is a lifelong journey, and if I’m being honest, it hasn’t always been easy. Looking back, I remember the first time I felt my moods swinging like a pendulum. I was a teenager, barely 16-years-old, when Anxiety and Depression started to creep in. Now, two decades later, I’ve learned a lot about myself and my disorder. In this post, I want to share five lessons that helped me live with Bipolar I disorder and find some peace, even during the toughest times. This is for anyone feeling lost—you're not alone.

1. Recognizing the Early Signs of Bipolar I Disorder

I didn’t know what was happening to me when I started experiencing these extreme emotional highs and lows as a teenager. One day I’d feel like I could conquer the world, bursting with energy and ideas, and the next, I couldn’t get out of bed. I wasn’t just “moody” or having a rough time; it was something deeper and more persistent. The anxiety and depression I felt were red flags, but it wasn’t until I saw a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with Depression and Generalized Anxiety disorder that I started to understand what was happening.Although my Bipolar I diagnosis came much later the signs of the serious mood disorder to come surfaced in my teens.

If you suspect something similar in yourself or a loved one, my advice is to pay close attention to the patterns of your moods. If you're feeling stuck in extreme highs and lows for extended periods, it might be time to seek professional help. Early diagnosis is crucial because it gives you the chance to begin managing it before it becomes more disruptive. For more in-depth guidance, check out my post, How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide. This resource provides practical steps to help you on your mental health journey.

2. The Role of Therapy in Managing Bipolar Disorder

I’ve been in and out of therapy for years, and one thing I’ve learned is that therapy is an essential part of managing Bipolar I disorder. It took me a while to find the right approach and the right therapist, but once I did, things started to make sense. For me, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been a game-changer. It taught me to challenge negative thought patterns and helped me build coping strategies for when I feel a manic or depressive episode coming on.

Mindfulness practices have also helped me stay present and avoid being completely overwhelmed by emotions. However, therapy isn’t just about what happens during sessions; it’s about applying those techniques in real life. Having someone to talk to—whether it’s a therapist, counselor or even a peer support group—can make all the difference in maintaining stability. In a future post I will guide you through my journey finding various therapeutic options and provide tips for finding the right fit for your needs.

3. Medication is Not One-Size-Fits-All

When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder, I thought that once I started medication, everything would instantly get better. That wasn’t the case. The truth is, finding the right medication—or combination of medications—is a journey in itself. I’ve been on several different medications over the years, and it’s taken time to find what works for my body without overwhelming side effects.

It’s frustrating, to say the least. There were times when I felt like giving up, but I’ve learned to be patient with the process. It’s important to work closely with your psychiatrist and medical team, be honest about how you’re feeling, and understand that it might take time to get things right. Managing Bipolar I disorder with medication isn’t about perfection; it’s about finding a balance that lets you function in your daily life without feeling like a zombie or spiraling into Mania or Depression. The How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide elaborates on how to approach medication management effectively, empowering you to take charge of your treatment.

4. Building a Support System

If there’s one thing I can’t emphasize enough, it’s the importance of a strong support system. Living with Bipolar I disorder is hard enough, and trying to do it alone is even harder. Over the years, I’ve leaned on family, close friends, and even peer support groups. My family has been my rock, but it hasn’t always been easy for them to understand what I’m going through.

Having people who truly understand—whether it’s someone with the same diagnosis or a therapist—has been incredibly empowering for me. I’ve also had to learn to set boundaries with people who unintentionally trigger me or drain my energy. It’s okay to protect your mental health by saying “no” when you need to. In a future post, I explore how to build and nurture your support network effectively, offering practical tips to help you find the right people to surround yourself with.

5. Prioritizing Self-Care and Setting Boundaries

When you’re managing Bipolar I disorder, self-care isn’t just a buzzword—it’s a necessity. I’ve learned that if I don’t prioritize my mental and physical health, I can’t function. Simple things like getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising make a huge difference in keeping my mood stable. When I’m stressed or overwhelmed, I’m much more likely to slip into a manic or depressive episode.

Routine is another big part of staying well. I try to keep my daily schedule consistent, even when life gets hectic. And perhaps most importantly, I’ve learned to set boundaries. Saying “no” to extra commitments or toxic relationships has been one of the hardest but most necessary lessons. When I take care of myself first, I’m in a much better position to handle whatever life throws my way. For more self-care strategies and tips, be sure to check out the self-care section in the How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide, where I delve deeper into creating a personalized self-care routine.

Final Thoughts

Managing Bipolar I disorder takes a lot of trial and error, but the most important lesson I’ve learned is that you have to be kind to yourself. This journey isn’t linear, and there will be setbacks, but it's about making progress, not being perfect. Whether it’s through therapy, medication, or building a support system, you are not alone. Take it one day at a time, and remember, it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. The more you learn about yourself and your Bipolar disorder, the better you’ll get at managing it. Trust the process and keep moving forward.

For a more comprehensive understanding of how to navigate this journey, I encourage you to read How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide. Together, we can empower ourselves to face the challenges of Bipolar disorder and find the path toward a balanced life.

Best Tools Bipolar Disorder Management

Managing Bipolar I Disorder is a deeply personal journey. As I’ve shared in my previous post, How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide, the tools and resources you use are an essential part of your daily routine. What works for me may not be what works for you, and vice versa. In this article, I’ll share my personal experience with some of the best tools and resources I’ve found helpful in 2024, touching on medication management, teletherapy, community support, education, and self-care. I hope that by sharing my journey, you can find tools that suit your needs, whether you prefer digital solutions, community-based support, or natural practices like I do.

Medication Management Tools: From Alarms to Blister Packs

When I first started managing my medication, I used multiple alarm notifications on my iPhone to remind me to take my meds. But, let’s just say, it was a bit of a mess. I had so many alarms going off throughout the day, and it felt overwhelming, to the point where I was constantly snoozing them. My cousin, who’s more tech-savvy than I am, saw the chaos and did some research on medication management apps. He recommended a few options like Medisafe, CareClinic, and Dosecast, which are fantastic for people who prefer digital tools to help manage their routines.

But for me, technology isn’t always the answer. After trying out some of these apps, I found that the constant reminders just didn’t suit my lifestyle. That’s when I discovered blister packs at my local pharmacy, and they’ve been a game-changer. With blister packs, all my meds are sorted and scheduled for the week, which takes the guesswork out of my daily routine. If tech isn’t your thing, I highly recommend asking your pharmacist about blister packs—they’ve truly been my savior in staying consistent.

Teletherapy Services: Balancing Cost and Accessibility

Teletherapy is another valuable resource when managing Bipolar I disorder, but I know first-hand that it can be expensive. Services like BetterHelp offer convenient online therapy sessions, but the costs can add up if you’re paying out of pocket. Someone from my team (who I mentioned in my comprehensive guide) has had amazing results using BetterHelp for non-Bipolar therapy, so it’s definitely worth considering if private teletherapy is within your budget.

For those of us who are mindful of costs, there are also free teletherapy options available through outpatient services. I’ve personally reached out to local community health centers for free or low-cost teletherapy options. Depending on where you live, you might find similar services through outpatient resources connected to your healthcare provider. In my area, Durham Region in the GTA, there are great resources like Distress Centre Durham and Durham Mental Health Services (DMHS), both of which offer teletherapy at no cost.

Community Support: Recovery Colleges vs. General Support Groups

While community support groups can be incredibly valuable for some, I’ve personally found that they’re not always the best fit for me. One of the challenges I’ve faced in general community support groups is the risk of becoming overwhelmed by hearing other people's stories. Sometimes, it’s easy to feel re-traumatized by the intense and emotional sharing that happens in these spaces.

That’s why I’ve turned to recovery colleges, where the focus is more on recovery education. Recovery colleges provide structured courses designed to empower people living with mental health challenges to take control of their journey through education. The shift from storytelling to learning has been a much better fit for me, and I’ve even had the opportunity to help build and facilitate these types of courses. My goal is to eventually share this with others by creating a supportive community focused on recovery education.

If you’re in Durham Region, consider reaching out to organizations like Durham Mental Health Services (DMHS), Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health or CAMH for recovery-based education and support options. It’s been life-changing for me, and it might be for you too.

Education and Understanding: Finding the Right Resources

When it comes to managing Bipolar I disorder, understanding your condition is key. I always recommend connecting with a Peer Support Specialist through your outpatient services, which you can often access by referral from your psychiatrist. A Peer Support Specialist can help you navigate the sometimes overwhelming mental health care system and offer support from someone who has lived through similar experiences.

If you’re in the Durham Region like me, resources like CMHA Durham and Durham Mental Health Services (DMHS) can connect you with Peer Support Specialists to guide you on your journey.

In addition to personal support, I’ve found these books incredibly helpful for deepening my understanding of bipolar disorder:

• An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison, PhD

• Spiders, Vampires, and Jail Keys: Bipolar Disorder: A Story of Hope, Recovery, and Inspiration by Brooke O’Neill

• Fast Girl: A Life Spent Running from Madness by Suzy Favor Hamilton

These memoirs offer real, raw insights into living with Bipolar disorder and can serve as both educational tools and sources of inspiration.

Self-Care and Wellness Practices: Natural, Tech-Free Tools

In my personal experience, self-care and wellness practices are just as crucial as any other tool in managing Bipolar I disorder. While I’ve experimented with meditation apps like Muse and Insight Timer, I’ve found that technology can sometimes feel overwhelming. I really enjoyed using the Muse meditation headset, but after I broke mine, I couldn’t justify the high cost of replacing it. So, I stuck with Insight Timer, which offers over 3,000 meditations, YouTube integration, daily challenges, and courses. It’s a great low-tech option if you’re looking to incorporate mindfulness into your routine.

However, some of the best tools for me are tech-free. Aromatherapy has been a powerful tool in my self-care toolkit. For example, lavender essential oil helps me relax and sleep better, and it’s something I can easily incorporate into my day-to-day life.

I also find that hiking in nature has a profound effect on my mental health. There’s something about being surrounded by trees and fresh air that helps me reset. If I’m feeling especially off, I’ll take a long walk and listen to one of my favorite podcasts or some calming music on Amazon Music. Sometimes, just getting out of the house and moving can make all the difference.

Sleep and nutrition are also vital parts of managing Bipolar disorder. I’ve learned over time that without good sleep and a balanced diet, my mood tends to fluctuate more, making it harder to stay grounded. Ensuring that I get quality rest and eat well is one of the most important non-negotiables in my wellness routine.

Final Thought

Build Your Own Toolbox

In the end, managing Bipolar I disorder is all about building a toolbox that works for you. Whether you prefer digital solutions like medication apps, community-based support like recovery colleges, or natural approaches like aromatherapy and hiking, there are so many tools and resources available to help. While the journey can sometimes feel overwhelming, remember that you don’t have to go it alone. As I mentioned in How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide, reaching out for support is one of the best things you can do.

How to Start Managing Bipolar I Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide

Living with Bipolar disorder is a unique journey that comes with its own set of challenges and lessons. I’ve been navigating Bipolar I disorder for over 20 years, and during that time, I’ve learned a lot about how to manage this condition effectively. As a 42-year-old woman, born in Georgetown, Guyana, and now living in Durham Region, Ontario, my journey has been shaped by both personal experience and professional growth. Today, I’m a Peer Support Specialist, a daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, cousin, and friend, using my lived experiences to help others.

In this guide, I’ll share my insights on how to manage Bipolar I disorder, including my personal experiences with Hypomania, Mania, psychosis, delusions, hallucinations, and suicidal ideations. I’ll also touch on Bipolar II disorder and Cyclothymic disorder, although I’m not an expert on those. Through self-advocacy, a structured routine, medication management, and the support of a strong team, it’s possible to build a more stable life.

Understanding Bipolar I Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition characterized by extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (Mania or Hypomania) and lows (Depression). Bipolar I disorder, which I live with, involves episodes of Mania lasting anywhere from 6 days to 8 weeks. Hypomania can last for months before progressing into full Mania, which often leads to hospitalization. During these manic phases, I’ve experienced delusions, hallucinations, and psychosis, often accompanied by suicidal ideations.

Bipolar II disorder, on the other hand, involves Hypomanic episodes followed by severe Depressive episodes, while Cyclothymic disorder is characterized by numerous periods of Hypomanic and Depressive symptoms lasting at least two years, though less severe.

For a long time, I kept a copy of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) on my nightstand—my reference to understanding the medical definitions and criteria for Bipolar and other mental health disorders. If you haven’t familiarized yourself with the DSM-5 yet, it’s a helpful tool for understanding the nuances of these conditions.

My Experience with Triggers

I’ve learned the importance of identifying triggers that can lead to mood swings. For me, triggers include lack of sleep, seasonal changes, traveling, and even daily changes in routine. Substance use has also played a role in triggering episodes. I don’t have a history of alcohol abuse, but marijuana was my drug-of-choice and a gateway into my first manic episode at 21-years-old. I later struggled with cocaine use, which became a significant trigger for Mania. Today I am proudly sober, however self-medicating with substances is often a slippery slope that leads to serious and life-altering episodes. Recognizing these patterns and avoiding triggers is critical for managing my Bipolar disorder.

Medication Management

When it comes to medication management, it’s essential to build a relationship with your doctors and communicate clearly when medications aren’t working or when side effects are unbearable. I’ve experienced side effects ranging from weight gain, insomnia, a zombie-like state, tremors, and even suicidal thoughts. Currently, I’m on a cocktail of mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to balance my brain chemistry, but it took time and advocacy to find what worked for me. Self-medicating, especially with marijuana or other substances, can be the downfall of managing the condition, as it was for me.

My Support Team

Your support team doesn’t have to be large—it can consist of 2-3 people with different roles. In my case, my substitute decision-maker is someone I met during my third manic episode in 2009. She handles my home, medications, and doctor communication when I’m hospitalized. I also have a wellness support friend who pushes me towards positivity, and my cousin provides spiritual counseling, helping me recenter on my faith.

In addition to my main support team, I have a few others who provide intellectual stimulation, motivation, and caretaking. For mental health professionals, I work with psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors, though it’s important to note that there can be long wait times and high costs. Alternatives like counselors, caseworkers, and social workers are available through outpatient services.

Hospitalization Experiences

I’ve had 13 manic or psychotic episodes that required hospitalization, and they are often deeply isolating experiences. Hospital stays can last anywhere from 2 to 3 months, and I’ve been restrained, sedated, and placed in isolation during these periods. These experiences are difficult, and they underscore the need for a crisis plan that outlines your preferences for which hospitals to go to and which to avoid. It’s also important to have a plan for who will manage your bills and speak on your behalf during these times.

Structure, Routine, and Habits

Maintaining structure and routine is a crucial aspect of managing Bipolar I disorder. Personally, after major episodes, I’ve found that going back to school provided the structure I needed to regain stability. It’s through this cycle that I found my passion—helping others through peer support. I’ve since become a Peer Support Specialist through Peer Support Canada, and it’s a designation I’m incredibly proud of. Building a routine centered around spiritual practices like daily prayer and meditation, self-care activities, medication management, nutrition and exercise, psychoeducation, self-reflection and counseling I continue to build good habits that help me thrive in my Bipolar I disorder.   

Crisis Planning

A comprehensive crisis plan includes regularly updating it with your doctors and counselors and ensuring that the important people in your life know how to act during a crisis. For example, in Ontario, we can use outpatient services to work on crisis plans, and in Durham Region specifically, I rely on Durham Mental Health Services (DMHS). Familiarizing yourself with local resources can be life-saving. You should also share your crisis plan with those close to you, including information on wellness checks and preferences for hospital care.

Emergency Resources

It’s vital to be aware of what emergency resources are available in your community. In Durham Region, Ontario, I rely on Durham Mental Health Services (DMHS). They provide support for individuals experiencing mental health crises and connect people with the resources they need. These services have been a cornerstone in my crisis planning and overall management of Bipolar I disorder.

Final Thoughts

Managing Bipolar I disorder is a complex journey that requires self-awareness, a strong support system, and effective strategies for coping. By understanding the condition, identifying triggers, and advocating for yourself in medication management, you can work towards a more balanced life. My experiences have taught me the importance of connection, both with others and with myself. As I continue on my journey, I hope that sharing my story and insights will help others navigate their own paths with Bipolar I disorder. Remember, you are not alone, and there is a community of support available to help you through.