Everything feels so bright and blinding and all the pretty colours distracting you from everything else that’s going on around you. The kaleidoscope stops you from seeing what’s actually happening to you, because of you. You are trapped inside yourself and the voice of reason that’s supposed to warn you that things are not as they seem is drowned out by all the pretty colours. But if you just reach out in front of you, you will realize what you are seeing isn’t real, what you are feeling isn’t real, what you are experiencing isn’t real, you are trapped by your own thoughts.

Nobody ever tells you that when you lose your mind you are fearless, weightless, floating with no idea where you are going to land and because you feel no fear you, feel no worry and when you fall, crashing down from that high nobody ever tells you what happens when you land, no one tells you about the wreckage below when you finally stop floating aimlessly and weightlessly in a world only you can see. When your feet touch the ground and clarity hits you, your fear returns and the harsh reality of all that has transpired must be faced.

Nobody ever tells you the hardest part about losing your mind isn’t the losing, it’s the comeback afterwards. Many people are not fortunate enough to attain a second chance. Their minds are too far gone to comprehend a world without the lens of a kaleidoscope. I am fortunate however to have lived in a world of second chance, more chances than I care to remember that I squandered. I have lost my mind many times over the years, each episode more damaging than the last but I have always managed to come back from the edge of insanity though I am still not sure why or how I’m still standing.

Final Thought

Bipolar 1 disorder can be a terrifying, dangerous and destructive illness. It’s not in experiencing Mania that I have experienced fear, rather as I said in my entry from earlier on in my journey it's the kaleidoscopic chaos that occurs when you are in a delusional state. In my wellness I have learned that I like to maintain a certain level of control over every aspect of my life. I have created structure, routine and habits to mitigate manic behaviours. The problem is no matter what systems I put in place, manic chaos lurks in the wings waiting to destroy all the hard work I have done to maintain my sanity. Therein lies the fear of Mania. When I’m experiencing an episode I am completely unaware of the destruction I’m causing to myself, my finances, my home, my career, my family and my friendships. What I have always labelled the comeback after the comedown is a period in my life where I have to face the damage I’ve done that often I don’t remember. I can say I’m sorry, I can express regret but in reality I don’t remember what I’m sorry for and what I regret. What I can say is that I continue to do what needs to be done to manage my mental health, I choose not to let fear of Mania dictate my future, I have faith and hope and an unwavering belief in myself and those that love and understand my illness that when another episode occurs we will be equipped to handle it together, no collateral damage necessary.  

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 

Coming Soon

Navigating a Bipolar I disorder diagnosis can feel like walking a tightrope. Sharing this part of your life with friends and family might seem daunting, but it’s a crucial step toward building understanding and support. Did you know that being open about mental health can help reduce stigma? By sharing your journey, you invite empathy and connection, which can make a world of difference in how your loved ones understand what you’re going through.

Understanding Your Diagnosis

Before diving into conversations, it’s essential to understand your diagnosis fully. Bipolar I disorder isn’t just about experiencing mood swings, it’s a serious mood disorder that has negative effects on the health and well-being of its sufferers; it encompasses a range of symptoms, including manic and depressive episodes, that can significantly impact daily life. Educating yourself on the disorder helps you feel more confident when explaining it to others. Plus, it allows you to clarify misconceptions, like the idea that Bipolar means you’re just "moody." That kind of misunderstanding can overshadow the real struggles you face. Knowing your facts and symptoms helps in presenting your truth to loved ones, allowing you to communicate more effectively. Mental health has its own language and it is important to understand it before you share your experiences with loved ones.

Choosing the Right Time and Place

Timing is everything when it comes to sensitive conversations. Finding a calm and private environment can set the stage for a meaningful discussion. Think about it: a crowded café isn’t the best place to talk about something as personal as your mental health. Choose a time when both you and your listener are not preoccupied or stressed. You want this to be a safe space where emotions can flow without interruptions. If it feels right, you might even want to ask your family member or friend if they’re open to a chat about your health. This little check-in can make a huge difference and shows them that this topic is important to you.

How to Start the Conversation

When you’re ready to start the conversation, don’t hesitate to be honest. It can be as simple as saying, "I want to share something important with you about my health." You might feel a wave of anxiety at that moment, and that’s completely normal. Emphasizing your feelings rather than diving into medical terminology can help your audience relate better. For example, sharing how certain moods, like feelings of euphoria during a manic episode or deep sadness during a depressive episode, affect your daily life can paint a clearer picture than just listing symptoms. This is your chance to humanize your experience, which can lead to deeper understanding and connection. It took years after my Bipolar diagnosis to start a dialogue with one of the most important people in my life, my mother. 

We both knew I had Bipolar I disorder however she did not fully understand what that meant to my experience or how to support me through my illness. So our first conversation happened in my therapist’s office where I wrote a long letter and read it to her. After a long and uncomfortable silence we both cried and she gave me a big hug. Since that day in the office we have had many open and honest conversations about my illness that have been full of love and acceptance. 

Addressing Questions and Concerns

Once you’ve opened the door to this conversation, be prepared for questions. It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. Common questions might include, "How does this affect you day-to-day?" or "What can I do to help?" Patience is key here. Some people may struggle to grasp what you’re going through, and that’s a part of the journey. Remember, you’re not just educating them; you’re also helping them to understand how they can support you during difficult times. By encouraging an open dialogue, you foster an environment where they feel comfortable asking questions without fear of judgment. 

Previously, my mother was afraid to talk about my Bipolar I disorder, it was the elephant in the room but when I opened up to her about my experiences with my illness it was like a watershed of questions came out of her. Some of her questions were rooted in fear, some were rooted in inexperience but I tried my best to answer them knowing that the key to understanding was honesty. 

Building a Supportive Network

After sharing your diagnosis, encourage your loved ones to ask questions and express their feelings. It’s vital to create an ongoing dialogue about your experiences with Bipolar I disorder. This could mean inviting them to learn more about it through articles, support groups, or even informational resources. You’re not alone in this, and building a supportive network can empower both you and them. Sharing resources can help your loved ones gain a broader perspective on what you're experiencing and how they can be effective allies in your journey.

Final Thoughts

Talking about your Bipolar I disorder diagnosis isn’t just about disclosing information; it’s about creating connections and fostering understanding. Take your time, be open to questions, and remember that it’s okay to feel vulnerable. Sharing your experience can help demystify what you’re going through and inspire those around you to be more compassionate.

If you’re looking to understand more about managing your condition, I encourage you to read How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide. It offers valuable insights that can complement your journey and help you take proactive steps toward managing your mental health. Your experience can be a beacon of hope for others who may feel lost or unsure about their own struggles. I invite you to share your thoughts in the comments below, as we navigate this journey together.