Onika L. Dainty

Everything feels so bright and blinding and all the pretty colours distracting you from everything else that’s going on around you. The kaleidoscope stops you from seeing what’s actually happening to you, because of you. You are trapped inside yourself and the voice of reason that’s supposed to warn you that things are not as they seem is drowned out by all the pretty colours. But if you just reach out in front of you, you will realize what you are seeing isn’t real, what you are feeling isn’t real, what you are experiencing isn’t real, you are trapped by your own thoughts.

Nobody ever tells you that when you lose your mind you are fearless, weightless, floating with no idea where you are going to land and because you feel no fear you, feel no worry and when you fall, crashing down from that high nobody ever tells you what happens when you land, no one tells you about the wreckage below when you finally stop floating aimlessly and weightlessly in a world only you can see. When your feet touch the ground and clarity hits you, your fear returns and the harsh reality of all that has transpired must be faced.

Nobody ever tells you the hardest part about losing your mind isn’t the losing, it’s the comeback afterwards. Many people are not fortunate enough to attain a second chance. Their minds are too far gone to comprehend a world without the lens of a kaleidoscope. I am fortunate however to have lived in a world of second chance, more chances than I care to remember that I squandered. I have lost my mind many times over the years, each episode more damaging than the last but I have always managed to come back from the edge of insanity though I am still not sure why or how I’m still standing.

Final Thought

Bipolar 1 disorder can be a terrifying, dangerous and destructive illness. It’s not in experiencing Mania that I have experienced fear, rather as I said in my entry from earlier on in my journey it's the kaleidoscopic chaos that occurs when you are in a delusional state. In my wellness I have learned that I like to maintain a certain level of control over every aspect of my life. I have created structure, routine and habits to mitigate manic behaviours. The problem is no matter what systems I put in place, manic chaos lurks in the wings waiting to destroy all the hard work I have done to maintain my sanity. Therein lies the fear of Mania. When I’m experiencing an episode I am completely unaware of the destruction I’m causing to myself, my finances, my home, my career, my family and my friendships. What I have always labelled the comeback after the comedown is a period in my life where I have to face the damage I’ve done that often I don’t remember. I can say I’m sorry, I can express regret but in reality I don’t remember what I’m sorry for and what I regret. What I can say is that I continue to do what needs to be done to manage my mental health, I choose not to let fear of Mania dictate my future, I have faith and hope and an unwavering belief in myself and those that love and understand my illness that when another episode occurs we will be equipped to handle it together, no collateral damage necessary.  

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 

Coming Soon

Did you know that Bipolar disorder impacts women differently than men? Research shows that women tend to experience more frequent depressive episodes but are highly susceptible to impulsivity during manic phases. In this blog, I’ll take you through what impulsive behaviour looks like for women with Bipolar disorder, how it’s tied to Mania, and the strategies that have helped me manage it.

Understanding Bipolar Disorder in Women

Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder with intense emotional highs (Mania) and lows (Depression). There are two main types: Bipolar I, which includes more severe manic episodes, and Bipolar II, where hypomanic episodes are less extreme but still disruptive. For women, hormonal changes—like during menstrual cycles, pregnancy, or menopause—can make the emotional swings even more unpredictable.

For me, hormonal shifts have definitely played a role in how I experience Bipolar disorder. There are times when I felt completely out of control, and the mix of emotions, mood swings, and impulses made it hard to function day-to-day. Learning to recognize those patterns was one of the first steps in managing it.

What is Impulsive Behaviour in Bipolar Disorder?

Impulsive behaviour happens when you act on a desire without thinking about the consequences. It’s not the same as taking a calculated risk. When you're impulsive, you're not processing the potential fallout—you’re just reacting. And during a manic episode, this becomes even more dangerous.

I’ve done it all—lavish spending sprees that left me in debt, driving recklessly without any care for my safety or others, uninhibited sexual behaviours and substance use. In those moments, it was like I was living in my own world, and I didn’t care about the damage I was doing. I was fearless, but not in a good way.

The Link Between Mania and Impulsive Behaviour in Women

When Mania hits, your emotions run wild. Everything feels heightened, and the energy is overwhelming. During a manic-psychotic episode, I lose touch with reality. My thoughts are so chaotic that I stop thinking about the future or the consequences of my actions. All that matters is satisfying the immediate impulse.

There was one episode where I spent $14,000 on Amazon, convincing myself it was for some business idea that didn’t even exist. I was trapped in the chaos of my mind, and in that moment, it felt perfectly rational. But when the Mania passed, I was left to pick up the pieces of the damage I had caused.

How Hormonal Changes Impact Impulsivity in Women with Bipolar Disorder

For women, hormonal changes can intensify Bipolar symptoms. The week before my period, my moods would shift dramatically. I’d feel more irritable, more impulsive, and I could sense the Mania bubbling beneath the surface. The worst part is that you can’t always control it, and it feels like your body is betraying you.

Pregnancy and postpartum can also complicate things. Studies show, the hormonal roller coaster during those times can trigger manic or depressive episodes, making it harder to manage impulsive behaviour. It’s a lot to deal with, but recognizing the patterns can help women going through this  feel a little more prepared.

The Consequences of Impulsive Behaviour in Women with Bipolar Disorder

The consequences of impulsive behaviour are often devastating. I’ve experienced financial ruin, strained relationships, and health scares because of decisions I made during manic episodes. Once, I was driving recklessly, weaving through traffic with no regard for the rules of the road or anyone’s safety—including my own. I was lucky that nothing catastrophic happened, but it could have easily gone the other way.

Impulsive actions can also lead to self-harm. In 2022, I found myself getting four tattoos in a week while in the early stages of Mania. I’ve always gotten tattoos during emotionally tumultuous times, and I realized later that it was my way of self-harming. The pain didn’t bother me; in fact, I found comfort in it.

Managing Impulsive Behaviour: Practical Strategies

Managing impulsive behaviour starts with acknowledging it. For me, medication and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) have been lifesavers. They’ve given me tools to slow down my thoughts and make better decisions. I also rely on mindfulness techniques like the cold water trick—when things get overwhelming, splashing cold water on my face snaps me back to reality.

Having a support system is key. I have a mental health mentor who helps keep me in check. We set boundaries, like limits on my spending and keeping my debit card with my grandmother, so I’m less likely to make impulsive decisions. When I do begin the cycle of impulsive spending my mentor will sit me down and ask the hard questions like “why are you spending?” or “What mental health stressors are you experiencing this week?” These check-ins have served to slow me down and examine the decisions I’m making. 

Self-Care Tips for Women with Bipolar Disorder

Structure and routine are lifesavers when it comes to managing Bipolar disorder. By building habits that don’t support impulsivity, I can recognize when something is off. Exercise also helps. When I’m moving my body and releasing endorphins, it counteracts that adrenaline-fueled impulsivity.

Eating well, getting enough sleep, and practicing self-love are all part of my self-care plan. I journal every day to track my moods, reflect on my growth, and remind myself how far I’ve come. It's a small but powerful way to stay grounded.

Final Thoughts

Impulsive behaviour in women with Bipolar disorder can be tough to control, but it’s not impossible. Understanding how Mania influences these impulses and finding ways to manage them—through medication, therapy, mindfulness, and support—is the key to regaining control. Impulsivity is a dangerous byproduct of this disorder and it's not your fault but it is your responsibility to learn how to best manage this destructive symptom. If you’re dealing with impulsive behaviour or know someone who is, don’t wait to seek help. The right tools and strategies can make all the difference.

For more information on how to build your support team check out my pillar post How to Start Managing Bipolar I Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide.