Onika L. Dainty

Everything feels so bright and blinding and all the pretty colours distracting you from everything else that’s going on around you. The kaleidoscope stops you from seeing what’s actually happening to you, because of you. You are trapped inside yourself and the voice of reason that’s supposed to warn you that things are not as they seem is drowned out by all the pretty colours. But if you just reach out in front of you, you will realize what you are seeing isn’t real, what you are feeling isn’t real, what you are experiencing isn’t real, you are trapped by your own thoughts.

Nobody ever tells you that when you lose your mind you are fearless, weightless, floating with no idea where you are going to land and because you feel no fear you, feel no worry and when you fall, crashing down from that high nobody ever tells you what happens when you land, no one tells you about the wreckage below when you finally stop floating aimlessly and weightlessly in a world only you can see. When your feet touch the ground and clarity hits you, your fear returns and the harsh reality of all that has transpired must be faced.

Nobody ever tells you the hardest part about losing your mind isn’t the losing, it’s the comeback afterwards. Many people are not fortunate enough to attain a second chance. Their minds are too far gone to comprehend a world without the lens of a kaleidoscope. I am fortunate however to have lived in a world of second chance, more chances than I care to remember that I squandered. I have lost my mind many times over the years, each episode more damaging than the last but I have always managed to come back from the edge of insanity though I am still not sure why or how I’m still standing.

Final Thought

Bipolar 1 disorder can be a terrifying, dangerous and destructive illness. It’s not in experiencing Mania that I have experienced fear, rather as I said in my entry from earlier on in my journey it's the kaleidoscopic chaos that occurs when you are in a delusional state. In my wellness I have learned that I like to maintain a certain level of control over every aspect of my life. I have created structure, routine and habits to mitigate manic behaviours. The problem is no matter what systems I put in place, manic chaos lurks in the wings waiting to destroy all the hard work I have done to maintain my sanity. Therein lies the fear of Mania. When I’m experiencing an episode I am completely unaware of the destruction I’m causing to myself, my finances, my home, my career, my family and my friendships. What I have always labelled the comeback after the comedown is a period in my life where I have to face the damage I’ve done that often I don’t remember. I can say I’m sorry, I can express regret but in reality I don’t remember what I’m sorry for and what I regret. What I can say is that I continue to do what needs to be done to manage my mental health, I choose not to let fear of Mania dictate my future, I have faith and hope and an unwavering belief in myself and those that love and understand my illness that when another episode occurs we will be equipped to handle it together, no collateral damage necessary.  

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 

Coming Soon

For many women, fear and anxiety are the most common by-products of trauma. The pressures we face in society—to excel in our careers, maintain flawless relationships, and uphold family dynamics—create a breeding ground for fear of failure and fear of judgment. When compounded with Bipolar disorder, these feelings become amplified. We often find ourselves grappling with the idea that we are somehow "less than" because our minds operate differently, leading to an intense stigma rooted in fear.

Understanding Fear in the Context of Bipolar Disorder

Unaddressed trauma creates a permanent space for fear in our minds, dictating our actions, behaviors, and decision-making processes. When I first began to understand my Bipolar disorder, my biggest fear was rejection. Would people accept me if they knew I had a serious mental illness? Would my family still love me after the chaos of a manic episode? Would my friends still want me around when things got heavy? The constant questions loomed large in my mind, fueled by a society that often portrays those of us with mental health conditions as dangerous, volatile, or unpredictable.

In the beginning, my fear felt suffocating. I worried about losing my job due to burnout and exhaustion. I feared hospitalization and the potential side effects of medication, especially the dread of tardive dyskinesia. Each thought spiraled into an overwhelming anxiety that often left me paralyzed, struggling to engage with the world around me.

Breaking Down the Stigma and Finding Self-Acceptance

To combat these fears, I quickly learned the importance of self-love and self-acceptance. Surrounding myself with supportive, patient, and understanding individuals became crucial. I needed to find my tribe—people who could appreciate me for who I am, even during the challenging moments of my journey. As I began to embrace this support system, I found a community that reinforced my strength rather than my fears.

One of the most liberating realizations I had was that my fears, while valid, did not define me. I started practicing mindfulness and meditation to ground myself during overwhelming moments. These practices helped me clear my mind and refocus my thoughts. I learned to breathe through the anxiety and remind myself, “This too shall pass.” This sentiment became a comforting mantra, allowing me to navigate the peaks and valleys of my mental health journey.

Spirituality and Affirmations as Anchors

In my quest for stability, I turned to spirituality, which played a vital role in helping me manage my fear. One of my favorite quotes, “The only way out is through,” attributed to Robert Frost, reminds me that there is no going back with Bipolar disorder—only forward, regardless of the fears that may arise. I also posted daily affirmations on my bedroom wall: “For God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.” This affirmation serves as a reminder that I am capable and deserving of a fulfilling life.

While I try to manage my anxiety naturally, there are times when the weight of my fears becomes too much to bear. When my coping mechanisms fail, I turn to my PRN medication, using it only as needed. I’ve learned to see medication as a tool, not a crutch—a means to help me reclaim control over my life when fear threatens to overwhelm me.

The Power of Talk Therapy

I am a firm believer in talk therapy. Speaking with a counselor or therapist can provide a sounding board to help dispel fears and anxieties. Voicing my concerns out loud often diminishes their power, allowing me to confront the fears that once felt insurmountable. In these sessions, I learned to explore the roots of my anxiety, gaining insights that have been instrumental in my journey toward healing.

As a public speaker, I also face my fears head-on by sharing my story. Speaking my truth can be both terrifying and empowering. Each time I take the stage, I confront the fear of judgment and rejection, reminding myself that my voice matters. Through advocacy, I strive to educate others about mental health, helping to dismantle the stigma that often isolates us.

Facing Fears in Advocacy and Daily Life

Advocating for myself and my mental health is another way I face my fears. Whether I’m discussing medication management with my psychiatrist or navigating a hospital setting, I refuse to let fear dictate my journey. I remind myself that my ultimate goal is a fulfilling life and a successful future. I deserve to be heard, seen, and treated with dignity, regardless of my mental health status.

However, fear can still be pervasive. I often grapple with the fear of not returning to baseline after an episode. The anxiety of wondering whether I’ll ever have children—naturally or through adoption—sometimes weighs heavily on my heart. I fear that my genetics might be passed on, leaving a legacy of mental illness for future generations. The fear of never finding a healthy, supportive romantic relationship lingers, as does the anxiety of ending up isolated and alone.

Transforming Fear into Empowerment

Despite these fears, I am committed to transforming them into empowerment. Each fear I face teaches me something valuable about myself and the world. I’ve learned that while fear can be paralyzing, it can also be a powerful motivator for change. By confronting my anxieties, I am gradually reclaiming my narrative and embracing my identity as a woman living with Bipolar disorder.

It’s essential to recognize that fear is a shared experience. Many women, especially those navigating mental health challenges, carry similar burdens. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can dismantle the stigma that surrounds mental illness and empower ourselves to live authentically.

For a deeper understanding of how to manage Bipolar disorder and navigate the accompanying fears, check out my comprehensive guide, How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide.

Final Thoughts

Embrace the Journey

Navigating fear as a woman living with Anxiety and Bipolar disorder is a complex journey. It requires self-love, acceptance, and a commitment to facing our fears head-on. By cultivating supportive relationships, practicing mindfulness, and advocating for ourselves, we can create a fulfilling life despite the challenges we face.

Remember, fear does not have to dictate our actions. As we embrace the mantra “Feel the fear and do it anyway,” we open ourselves up to new possibilities, resilience, and hope. Our stories matter, and by sharing them, we empower not only ourselves but also those around us who may be navigating similar paths.