Onika L. Dainty

From my first manic-psychotic episode to my most recent, life often felt as though it had flipped upside-down—and I had no idea how to right myself. For nearly 20 years, I let life happen to me. My responses—both uplifting and self-destructive—set in motion a series of events I didn’t recognize then as tests of my strength and emotional stability. Looking back now, I understand: it's not what happens to you, but how you react that defines your healing and growth.

Diagnosis, Grief, and Emotional Extremes

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder in 2006, I was an Honours graduate from Carleton University mourning the death of my grandmother—my soulmate—who passed away on my 22nd birthday. My life became a complex mix of achievement and sorrow, dreams and heartbreak. Caught between extremes, I turned to substances to dull the weight of my emotions. It was a way to escape the reality of bipolar disorder—a way to exist in the numb void between joy and grief.

This emotional polarity became a recurring pattern. Yet even in moments of despair, I made positive choices and showed resilience. Still, adversity never strayed far.

Recovery, Remission, Relapse, and Resilience

After four years of remission, I was accepted into a graduate diploma program at Humber College. Life felt balanced again. I was proud and optimistic.

Then, just three months into the program, my six-year relationship ended—followed the next day by my nomination as Event Management Chair, overseeing one of the college’s most important events. Once again, I found myself in a bittersweet place: standing in success while mourning loss.

Instead of confronting the pain, I returned to self-medicating. I sought the numbing void between overwhelmed and empty. By the end of the term, I suffered my first manic-psychotic episode in four years and was hospitalized.

Recovery came slowly. Through structure, routine, and healthy habits, I found stability and space to reflect:
How did I fall so far, so fast? Why hadn’t I learned from the past? Why was my instinct to run from pain rather than grow through it?

I no longer trusted myself. My self-worth was low. Doing what was easy—what was wrong—was easier than doing what was right. That’s when I knew I needed to begin the hard work of self-awareness, self-love, and emotional healing.

It took three years, two internships, another hospitalization, summer school, night school, and a relentless inner fire—but I graduated from my PR and Communications program. One teacher described me as “a tenacious student who would find success in her future.” I’ve come to believe that when life happens to you, your reaction—your resilience—is what shapes your future.

Then There Was COVID-19

By 2020, I was in my longest remission since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had spent seven years in Toronto, supported by an incredible social worker and a 23-member outpatient care team. I was thriving, training as a Peer Support Specialist at a hospital’s Recovery College, and immersed in psychoeducation, trauma therapy, and self-care practices. I created a Crisis Plan (WRAP) and medical directive, sharing it with friends, family, my medical team, and employer.

Then came March 2020. The world changed.

I remember walking to Recovery College that morning feeling healthy, happy, and whole. By evening, I was stockpiling supplies, preparing for an indefinite lockdown. The country was in crisis. Fear and uncertainty filled every space.

Soon after, I was redeployed by my hospital to support frontline efforts. I was assigned to the ER. While part of me was relieved to leave the isolation of my apartment, a larger part trembled with fear—of the virus, the unknown, and what the hospital would ask of me.

After two weeks, I was exhausted but useful. I was adjusting. Then an email invited the Recovery College team to a virtual meeting. There, we were all laid off. The entire program was being dissolved.

In that moment—unaware I was the one screaming until a colleague mentioned it—I unleashed years of fear, anxiety, betrayal, grief, and pain. My emotional response was immediate and overwhelming. Everything I had built began to unravel.

Peace turned to turmoil. Wellness to relapse. Stability to chaos. Hope to heartbreak.

It’s Not What Happens to You, But How You React

So, how do you face a mountain of disillusionment built from a global pandemic and a mood disorder triggered by stress, trauma, isolation, grief, instability, and loss?

How do you react when mental health, emotional wellness, and everything you’ve worked for feel like they’re slipping away?

I’ll continue this journey of reflection and healing in Part 2.

Join me Saturday, August 2, 2025, as I share what came next—how I chose to respond when tested in ways I never imagined.

Life Lessons Series: Start Before You’re Ready - Steven Pressfield

Life Lesson #8

“Start before you’re ready.”-Steven Pressfield

Despite what we may think, time is a finite thing and we all have a limited amount to use in either the best or worst ways possible. In my lifetime I have made mistakes, learned many lessons and I have grown into a person I love and even admire. That said, I have wasted a lot of time along the way in the pursuit of perfection. What does that look like for me? Waiting for the perfect moment, for the perfect words to come to me, for the stars to align and my moment to arrive without taking the steps forward to make anything happen. I always seemed to be in a perpetual state of waiting for all the right elements to come together to create the perfect storm of readiness that will whisk me off my feet into a world where my dreams are reality. It was American author Steven Pressfield who coined the phrase “start before you’re ready.”   

Well, when I was six years old I dreamed of my name being as common as salt. I dreamt of winning a Grammy like Whitney Houston, I dreamt of winning an Oscar like Julie Andrews and a Pulitzer for Best Writer on Earth-what can I say I was a little girl with really big dreams but no idea how I would make them come true. So I waited and waited for the perfect moment of realization when the picture forward to my dreams would materialize in my mind and then at 24 years old my waiting for my perfect moment was put on pause when my mind started to fail me. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder and my dreams felt even further away and completely impossible. But then something inside me changed. I rediscovered my fighting spirit and realized that my dreams would never come true if I didn’t start despite feeling completely unready. 

Step one was to start sharing my writing and the story of my journey through madness. I started opening up to others about my experiences with Bipolar disorder, I started a podcast in 2017 about mental illness, I published a chapter in an anthology about women being empowered to succeed despite the challenges life threw their way. Finally on September 30, 2024 I published my first blog on this website that has now reached over 10K unique views in six months. I was not ready for any of this. It wasn’t the perfect time or the perfect moment in my life. I wasn’t a year out of the hospital like I had planned, I wasn’t out of therapy, I didn’t have an Oscar or a Grammy or a Pulitzer but I started before I was ready and I started something pretty special. 

Thank you Mr. Pressfield for reminding me that sometimes to find direction when pursuing your dreams you must “start before you are ready.” And thank you to my readers for believing in a little girl’s dreams and giving her hope that one day they will all come true.

Life Lesson #4

Seventy-one and a half miles. 

190,725 steps. 

18 days.

When I think about where and when I first heard this quote I draw a blank. It’s as if I was born with this philosophy in my bones and in my heart so the first time it appeared before me I already knew it. It's the story of my life, reminding me that no matter what my goals are, what challenges I face, what adversity I need to overcome to reach my final destination I must take the most important first step without fear of the outcome or even knowing where the journey will take me. Even when the walk feels impossible and never-ending, every journey is an adventure with no guarantees that it will help you or hurt your current circumstance. By taking the first step the only certainty is that you will have to continue to walk down an unknown path to gain knowledge and understanding of your purpose, to learn the lessons that every journey teaches you. 

I remember the fear I felt at 5 years old taking that first step onto an airplane at the Cheddi Jagan International Airport in my home Guyana where my mother and I would fly to Canada, to our new lives and it feels like I’ve been taking first steps ever since. 

The first step into a Canadian elementary school where I would experience racism and bullying. 

The first step into my new house in Pickering, ON where I felt love and happiness, where I wrote my first award-winning poem, where my family was whole. 

My first step into the hallways of my high school where I experienced gender-based violence, fear and constant anxiety. 

The first step onto my university campus where I found escape from my past, where I smoked my first joint while experiencing extreme depression, where I graduated with my first Honours degree in History

My first step inside the observation room of a Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) where I would be diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder  and the course of my life would be forever changed.

When I was discharged from my first psychiatric hold I had no idea that on my journey to wellness I would have copious admissions, struggle with substance use issues, go to rehab, have a dual-diagnosis, have a co-occurring disorder, be non-compliant with my medication, be restrained to multiple hospital beds, be fired from numerous jobs, lose friendships, lose family, face my trauma, face the death of loved ones, experience homelessness, successfully complete two other higher-education credentials, become a national ambassador for mental health, start a podcast, be an advocate and public speaker for mental illness, write a book, re-write a book start a blog, be reunited with my family, enjoy cooking, live in a beautiful house or end-up going to the gym everyday.   

Seventy-one and a half miles. 

190,725 steps. 

18 days.

The above stats are the amount of miles I’ve walked on the treadmill and the amount of steps I’ve taken in the 18 days I’ve been going to the gym. It might not seem relevant in the face of everything else I’ve said but for me it represents what Lao Tzu is trying to say. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. It's about making a decision to change your circumstances, to be resilient in the face of adversity, being fearless and doing something you’ve never done before in an attempt to change the direction of your life. I have had a lot of tragedy on my journey but I’ve had a lot of triumphs as well. I choose to learn from the tragedy and celebrate the triumphs by filling my journey with things, people and experiences that bring me joy. I choose to fearlessly walk my thousand miles in happiness and hope instead of fear and despair. Thank you Lao Tzu for teaching me how important it is to take the first step.

I know you must be wondering where I disappeared to after my last post on January 9, 2025. The honest truth is I needed a mental health break. After my cousin’s passing in November 2024 and my travels to my home country of Guyana, South America I was mentally, physically and emotionally depleted. Although I had a wonderful time back home reconnecting with family and friends I was struggling with managing my mental health and maintaining my normal routine. The excitement of travel, being in a new environment, lack of sleep and mismanaging my medication (taking them at odd and inconsistent hours) threw me into a three-day manic episode. Historically, I have never had such a short period of Mania but the evidence was clear: excessive energy after a few hours sleep, racing thoughts, pressured speech, hyperspending and risky behaviour. After a few good nights of sleep and going back on my regular schedule for taking my medication I was able to manage the symptoms and fortunately I went back to baseline. 

When I returned home however, I was physically and mentally exhausted. My mood dipped into a depression and I had no energy or motivation to do the tasks I love like writing my blog. I also had to prepare myself mentally for what was upcoming, specifically starting my trauma treatment therapy. I didn’t stay down for long though, I got into gear by starting to rebuild my structure, routine and habits that are so important to my mental wellness. This included my daily to do lists, a new nutritional plan where I cook (yes I cook now) and eliminate processed foods (so no more DoorDash takeout) and I started going to the gym five days a week in the mornings and walking 3-5 miles on the treadmill. All of these habits–some new, some old, have helped me increase my energy, helped with my sleep hygiene and helped me find my motivation especially for writing to all the readers who have supported me through my journey.

So, I’m back! I can’t promise you I won’t need a break again because unfortunately Bipolar disorder can be unpredictable. What I can promise is that I will keep you updated with self-reflections on how I’m doing because I know you care, I know I’m not alone and we are on this journey together. Look out for my February 1 blog in recognition of the start of Black History Month.

Truly Yours,

Onika the Bipolar Butterfly.

Understand What Self-Care Means to You

Self-care is not a one-size-fits-all approach. It requires introspection and exploration to discover what resonates with you personally. For me, the simple act of making my bed each day has become a significant ritual. It signifies my commitment to creating a stable environment, especially on days when everything feels topsy-turvy. A made bed offers a sense of accomplishment and order, which can be incredibly grounding during challenging times.

Reflecting on my experience, I realize that when my bed is made, I’m more likely to embrace the day with a positive mindset. Conversely, when I’m unwell, the state of my bed can mirror my mental chaos. This small act serves as a powerful reminder of how much our surroundings influence our state of mind.

Create an Organized Space

An organized home often reflects my mental state. If clutter starts to accumulate, it’s a clear sign that I need to check in with myself. Keeping my living space tidy doesn’t just make it more pleasant to inhabit; it also serves as a barometer for my well-being. I’ve learned that when I’m feeling overwhelmed, a disorganized home can heighten my anxiety and exacerbate my mood swings.

Creating a calming and organized space is, therefore, a proactive form of self-care. I take the time to declutter and arrange my surroundings thoughtfully, transforming my home into a sanctuary that nurtures my spirit. This practice fosters a sense of peace and helps me maintain control, especially during turbulent times.

Embrace Your Personal Style

Caring for my hair and indulging in thrift shopping are more than physical acts; they’re opportunities for self-expression and creativity. For me, the act of taking care of my appearance is a way of reclaiming my identity during times when I might feel lost or disconnected. Choosing outfits that reflect my mood or trying out a new hairstyle becomes a form of empowerment.

Beautifying and decorating my home is another creative outlet. Each piece I select reflects a part of my journey and personality. Refinishing furniture isn’t just a hobby; it’s a metaphor for renewal—both in my living space and in my own life. Through these creative endeavors, I cultivate a sense of agency over my environment, which can be especially powerful when life feels chaotic.

Reflect Through Writing

Writing has been a crucial part of my self-care routine. Reading my own journals and composing “dear me” letters provide a profound way to connect with myself. These practices allow me to reflect on my journey, understand my feelings, and document my progress. Journaling becomes a therapeutic space where I can express my thoughts without judgment.

When I revisit my entries, I’m often struck by the resilience I’ve demonstrated through my struggles. This reflection offers clarity and helps me recognize patterns in my mood and behavior, enabling me to navigate future challenges more effectively. Writing serves as a mirror, reflecting my inner thoughts and feelings, and helps me gain insights into my mental health.

Prioritize Your Well-Being

A consistent skin-care routine might seem like a minor detail in the grand scheme of things, but it’s an essential act of self-love that reinforces my sense of worth. Taking the time to nurture my skin reminds me that I deserve care and attention. Each step of my routine—cleansing, moisturizing, and pampering myself—becomes a ritual of affirmation.

This practice cultivates a mindset of self-acceptance and gratitude, fostering a deeper connection with my body and my spirit. It’s these little rituals that accumulate into a larger practice of self-care, reminding me that I am worthy of love and care, regardless of my mental state.

Find Joy in Movement

One of my favorite self-care practices is singing and dancing in my kitchen. When I turn on my favorite tunes and let loose, I tap into a source of joy that can break through the heaviness of anxiety or depression. It’s liberating to express myself freely in my own space. This joyful movement allows me to reconnect with my inner child, reminding me that even in the midst of challenges, joy can coexist with struggle.

This practice not only elevates my mood but also encourages physical movement, which has its own therapeutic benefits. Whether it’s an upbeat pop song or a soulful ballad by Drake, dancing allows me to release pent-up energy and express my emotions in a joyful, creative way.

Final Thoughts

Self-care isn’t merely about pampering ourselves; it’s about recognizing our unique needs and cultivating practices that nourish our well-being. It’s a continuous journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. Embracing self-care means loving yourself enough to invest time and energy into your own happiness, and that is a powerful act in itself.

As you explore your own self-care journey, I encourage you to consider what practices resonate with you. What small acts can you incorporate into your daily routine to foster a deeper sense of well-being? I invite you to share your thoughts or experiences in the comments. We’re all in this together, navigating the highs and lows of life. As we learn from each other, we can continue to find our paths toward healing and resilience.

If you're interested in further exploring the journey of managing Bipolar disorder, be sure to check out my blog, "How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide." It’s filled with valuable insights and tips to help you along the way.