Showing posts with label Self-Acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Acceptance. Show all posts

Saturday, August 30, 2025

Life Lessons Series: Be in your skin and fall in love with the feeling. - Onika L. Dainty

 

Life Lessons Series: Be in your skin and fall in love with the feeling. - Onika L. Dainty

Life Lesson #15

“Be in your skin and fall in love with the feeling.” — Onika L. Dainty

Learning to Live in My Skin

It took me nearly 42 years to embrace this lesson—and I’m still learning. Self-love and body acceptance don’t come easily when you’ve wrestled with body image issues most of your life. For over two decades, I’ve dealt with weight gain as a side effect of mood stabilizers and antipsychotic medication prescribed to manage Bipolar disorder. Even before my diagnosis, my self-esteem was fragile. I wore a mask of confidence—intelligent, funny, charismatic, and beautiful—but underneath, I was struggling.

From childhood, food became my battleground. At first, I starved myself, skipping meals for days at a time until my grade six teacher reported it to my mother. As a nurse, she adjusted her night shifts to watch me eat. But that surveillance pushed me into binging and purging, giving me a false sense of control while my mind unraveled.

Trauma, Diagnosis, and Body Image

By my teens, depression and anxiety consumed me. At 14, a brutal assault deepened my mental chaos and reinforced my eating disorder as a form of punishment. My body felt like both the scene of the crime and the enemy. Into my twenties and early thirties, those patterns stayed with me, compounded when I was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder at 24. Medication stabilized my mind but made me feel trapped in a body I no longer recognized.

It wasn’t until homelessness, repeated hospitalizations, and addiction forced me into long-term care that I realized how deeply connected my body image and mental health had always been. My psychotherapist helped me see that sexual trauma often distorts one’s relationship with the body—leading to cycles of self-punishment that only break with forgiveness, compassion, and healing.

Writing an Apology to My Body

After a pivotal therapy session, I sat down and wrote an apology letter to my body. I apologized for starving it, for purging, for smoking marijuana until my lips and fingers bore the scars, for binging as a side effect of medication. I promised to let go of shame and guilt and instead honour my body with care, nourishment, and respect.

That was the turning point.

Redefining Self-Love and Acceptance

Nearly a decade later, I’ve kept that promise. I haven’t binged, purged, or starved myself. I’ve been sober for almost two years. I eat to nourish, not punish, and I’ve incorporated fitness into my life—not as penance, but as a way to feel strong and alive.

Yes, my weight still fluctuates. But instead of spiralling into self-loathing, I now meet those moments with grace, self-compassion, and resilience. I remind myself: I only get one body in this lifetime, and it deserves love in every season.

My body has survived trauma, illness, and recovery. It carries my creativity, my laughter, and my strength. And no matter its shape or size, it is mine. Today, I celebrate it—not as a project to be perfected, but as a partner in my healing journey.

Final Thought

Being in my skin and falling in love with the feeling isn’t about flawless self-confidence. It’s about daily forgiveness, compassion, and choosing to honour the body I once punished.

Self-love is not a destination—it’s a practice. And every day I continue this practice, I reclaim more of myself.

To my readers: How do you practice self-love when your body doesn’t look or feel the way you want it to?
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Saturday, August 23, 2025

Life Lessons Series: The only validation I need is my parking. – Onika L. Dainty

 

Life Lessons Series: The only validation I need is my parking. – Onika L. Dainty

Life Lesson #14

“The only validation I need is my parking.” – Onika L. Dainty

Learning the Weight of Validation

Validation is a complicated concept. By definition, it means “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.” For some, that recognition from others—family, friends, colleagues, or even strangers—is at the very core of their identity. Without external approval, many find it hard to move forward, change, or grow. I know this because, for much of my life, I was one of those people.

From an early age, I allowed trauma and low self-esteem to dictate my path. My sense of self-worth was tethered to someone else’s star of approval. Whenever I was the lead in my own story, fear crept in, whispering that without cheerleaders—or critics in disguise—I would fall flat. And yet, the rare times I did validate myself, I discovered something unexpected: empowerment.

Losing and Rebuilding Self-Acceptance

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder in 2006, the fragile spark of self-acceptance I had been nurturing disappeared. Once again, I turned outward, seeking guidance from others—many of whom, though well-intentioned, only confused and discouraged me. Their voices drowned out my own, and my self-esteem plummeted.

It took years to untangle myself from this cycle. Ironically, the breakthrough came when I asked the right person the wrong question.

The Conversation That Changed Everything

In 2017, while brainstorming a mental health podcast with my cousin, I asked him what I thought was a simple question:

“Am I doing this right? What do you think?”

His response:
 “If you’re looking for validation, Onika, you’re not going to get it from me. This is your show. You’re the one with the lived experience. I’m just the sound guy. Stop looking for validation in other people. We’re grown—validate yourself.”

His words hit like a mirror held to my face. Brutally honest, yes, but spoken with love. My cousin had always pushed me to believe in my abilities, to trust the possibilities of my future. That night, his refusal to validate me became the greatest validation of all.

Choosing to Lead My Own Story

After reflecting on his words, I felt something shift. My confidence grew, my self-worth blossomed, and the desperate need for approval from others began to fade. I realized I needed to be the lead in my own love story—the one where I finally fell for myself and the strength that had always been within me.

Today, I still value the perspectives of those who care for me, but I no longer need their validation. I validate myself. My feelings, decisions, and opinions are valid simply because I exist. That belief has given me an unshakable confidence, allowing me to make bold and brave choices on my mental health and wellness journey—choices I never would have dared to make before that late-night conversation.

Gratitude for Brutal Honesty

For every moment of honesty that challenged me to grow, I am deeply grateful. To my cousin—my cheerleader, my truth-teller, my mirror—thank you for helping me realize that the only validation I truly need is, indeed, my parking.
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Monday, December 30, 2024

Life Lessons Series: A Bipolar Woman's Self-Reflection Birthday Entry: 42 Years of Lessons

A Bipolar Woman's Self-Reflection Birthday Entry: 42 Years of Lessons

Life Lesson #1

Today is my 42nd Birthday and honestly, after the last few years I didn't think I would make it here or have so much to celebrate. My life to this point has been full of ups and downs, losses, bittersweet moments, traumatic experiences filling me with pain and longing for peace. I have had  few cherished times that passed by too quickly to feel real or tangible. I have experienced success and I have experienced many failures. I have fallen far and fast and through courage and resilience I have picked myself up again and moved forward on my journey toward personal wellness and happiness. The lessons I have learned along the way have led me to a place where self-love, self-compassion and self-acceptance are the key to how I currently move in a world that I realize a long time ago is unforgiving and owes me nothing. I have fought my way through low-self esteem and anxiety that invaded my thoughts, mental illness that I previously believed would destroy me and I have conquered an addiction that could have killed me but still I’m standing strong in the face of adversity. 


The life lessons I have collected on my journey of self-discovery have given me peace, joy and a self-awareness that I hold close to my heart like a treasured gem, precious and priceless. Lessons learned from the countless people who have loved and cared for me over the years, even from those who were my adversaries, the ones that didn’t want to see me succeed but have taught me something valuable about myself and life. So for my 42nd birthday my gift to myself is to reflect on all I’ve learned, on the lessons that have shaped the incredible woman I never thought I’d be but managed to become through all the tragedy, triumphs, trials and tribulations. I want to enter this upcoming year knowing where I have come from so I will never forget who I am. There are simply too many valuable lessons I’ve learned in my lifetime to fit in one entry so I will share one gem at a time during my 42nd year in hopes that these lessons will touch your lives as deeply as they’ve touched mine. Let the lesson begin. 


Lesson 1: Learning to Love Yourself is the Greatest Love of All- Whitney Houston and My Mama


Although it was the late and great Whitney Houston that coined the phrase in her classic 80’s melody, it was my mama who made sure this motto rang loud and clear in my head since I was a young child. I would come in from school and tell her stories of the bullying and mistreatment that occurred non-stop since we arrived in Canada in 1988. I was always what some call different, it wasn’t just the way I spoke or the baby fat that bulged in the clothes I wore, it was my defiant attitude and large personality that didn’t seem to fit into the mold that others were constantly trying to make for me. I was a square peg being forced into a round hole and I refused to conform. Even as a child my family knew I marched to the beat of my own drum but I was simply unaware that the melody it played didn’t please everyone around me, and one of my greatest flaws is my need to please others, to feel love and acceptance from everyone, to be everything for everyone leaving nothing for myself. When I would tell my mother the other children didn’t like me, that they constantly made fun of every aspect of my personality, my speech, what I ate, what I wore but especially my weight she’d say the same three things: “Your mama loves you, Jesus loves you and learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”


I knew the first two statements were true but it took many years and many experiences to finally find the greatest love of all inside of myself. There was a period in my life when my self-esteem plummeted. Though my accent had faded, my clothes had changed, I had assimilated to Canadian culture but my body refused to cooperate. When I was 11-years-old I developed an eating disorder. I was unhappy with my body so I would go days and sometimes weeks without eating. From this dangerous habit I grew to hate everything I saw when I looked in the mirror. For years kids at school called me a fat pig and eventually I started to believe them. My circumstances led to the constant negative thought that I was not thin enough or pretty enough. Looking back now I can see that puberty had actually been very kind to me. I had a small figure with overly large breasts and even when others would tell me I was beautiful I was loathed to believe them. This aspect of eating disorders is now called Body Dysmorphia (an obsession with a perceived flaw in your appearance) but back then there was no name.


This journey of body obsession started in my youth and would continue into my 20s when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at 24-years-old, a mood disorder that wreaked havoc on my emotions and my waistline. The medication I took to stabilize my mood causes excessive weight gain and increased appetite. For years and until present I have continued to struggle with my self-image. What I perceive to be true about my figure others simply couldn’t see. My taller than average frame allowed me to carry my weight well but all I could see was an unattractive overweight woman. I felt unlovable, unworthy and spent most of my time trying to be invisible. I simply couldn’t see what others insisted they saw in me, a beautiful woman. I seemed forever stuck in a loop of self-loathing. 


I have tried every diet-water, watermelon, Keto, Atkins, fasting, medically supervised weightloss programs, cabbage soup, I tried detoxes, weightloss pills and skinny teas. I tried running the weight off until my ankles swelled and sprained and I could no longer run. I went back to unhealthy habits like starving myself and purging my food until I did damage to my esophagus. Finally in 2019 after I ate a dozen donuts and entered my apartment washroom to expel my belly, I took a good look at myself in the mirror and said to my reflection “No Onika, Enough!” I sat on my bathroom floor and cried my eyes out and came to the realization that I was simply sick and tired or being sick and tired. I decided on that bathroom floor it was time to try surrender and radical acceptance, the hardest two principles I’ve ever had to practice. Simply put, self-loathing is exhausting.


I started saying a daily mantra that I created which spoke to the broken little girl inside me and the lost self-pitying woman I was tired of being: “I’m fabulous just as I am and all by myself,” at first I didn’t believe it but after years of saying it out loud, multiple times daily especially when I was feeling low something inside of me began to change. I started having numerous positive experiences that were proof these words were true and I slowly gained confidence in myself and began to break down the negative narrative that had always kept my self-esteem in a low place. 


I had to relearn myself along my journey to self-acceptance and rewrite the negative thought pattern that had become fixtures in my life. This is what that looked like: 


I love that I’m intelligent, 

I love that I make people laugh, 

I love that I am kind, 

I love that I’m well spoken, 

I love that I’m empathetic, 

I love that I’m a good listener, 

I love that I’m a good friend, 

I love that I’m a good granddaughter, 

I love that I’m a good aunt, 

I love that I’m a good daughter, 

I love that I’m a good sister, 

I love that I’m a fighter, 

I love that I’m resilient, 

I love my Bipolar superpower, 

I love my nose, 

I love my eyes, 

I love my freckles, 

I love my smile,

I love my rack, 

I love my legs, 

I love the skin I’m currently in, 

I love that I’m a work in progress,

I love that this love list keeps growing everyday and with every new experience.


Now after 42 years of experiences and lessons I have fallen in love with myself and when I look at my body in the mirror I see the body that has sustained me though some of the most difficult trials life has thrown at me. I embrace my body meeting myself where I’m at and practicing healthy principles of nutrition and exercise rather than fad diets and detoxes. I embrace my mental illness calling it my superpower and I embrace my God given potential knowing that my talents, humour and intelligence are the key to my future success. I came to the realization that I can’t be everything to everyone and filling my mental, spiritual, physical and emotional cup comes first. The reality is that some people are going to dislike me for the things I believe, the words I write, the clothes I wear, the shoes on my feet and the hair on my head and that's life. Not everyone can love or even respect the person you are but my mama and Whitney Houston were right: Learning to Love Yourself is the Greatest Love of All.

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