Bipolar I disorder is a mood disorder characterized by extreme highs (hypomanic, manic and psychotic episodes) and extreme lows (depressive episodes). When you have Bipolar disorder you are not always aware of how your illness affects the way you relate to the people in your life. Family, friendships, personal and work relationships all take on a different meaning under the lens of mental illness especially a mood disorder like Bipolar. Characterized by fluctuating moods Bipolar disorder can make it difficult to manage and ultimately maintain positive relationships especially during manic or depressive episodes. The unpredictability of the illness can be exhausting for the people involved in your life, like a never-ending rollercoaster with unpredictable emotional twists and turns that leave others feeling burnt out and pessimistic about the future of the relationship.

My Relationship Journey

I’ve written about romantic relationships (Manic Love) and toxic friendships but I have yet to address the close relationships that have been challenged and put to the test due to the ups and downs I experience during my manic phases. These connections both family and friends have been placed under pressure on countless occasions due to my Bipolar episodes made even more severe by substance use. My family and friends stood by my side as long as they were able but eventually had to let me go to find my way back to myself and to them. It wasn’t only my mental health that was at risk, it was also their mental health that was being affected by my unpredictable behavior. 

When I am in the midst of an episode there is always a risk that I will lose the people in my life whether temporary or permanent, this is the consequence of the chaos Bipolar I disorder brings. Whether it's a work, family or friend relationship in Mania I’m unrecognizable and extremely difficult to deal with leaving people feeling tired and hopeless in our interactions. I’ve been fired from jobs due to misunderstandings during episodes my employer didn’t even know I was experiencing. 

My friends have walked away from me because they were overwhelmed and needed to prioritize themselves. I’ve gotten into explosive arguments with family members while manic forcing them to retreat from my life. Then there are those relationships that have lasted through all my Bipolar trials, these people have never given up on me regardless of the condition I find myself in. So, how have I managed to keep the few in the face of losing so many? Open and honest communication, understanding and empathy and respecting boundaries.

Open and Honest Communication

Communication is one of the most important pillars in a healthy relationship dynamic. Being open and honest with family and friends about your mental health struggles is key to maintaining transparency on your journey to wellness. I have had challenges being honest about my mental illness and substance use with friends and family over the years. There is a lot of shame, guilt and stigma surrounding mental illness that made it difficult to express what I was experiencing especially once the symptoms of Bipolar took over an already fragile and fearful mind. 

I didn’t want to be judged, I didn’t want to be disliked but mostly I didn’t want the people I loved to walk away from me if I opened up about how broken I felt inside. In my Mania, although I seemed fearless, the fear of abandonment ran deep and I hid behind a facade made of lies and half-truths. I finally came to the realization that the person in my relationships that I most needed to be open and honest with about my struggle with mental illness was myself.

By pretending nothing was wrong and I was okay I did a disservice to my loved ones and myself. When chaos would finally erupt inside me I would be equally as surprised as everyone around me. I could never predict my episodes because there was a part of me that believed if I acted the right way, said all the right things, had a good and stable job I could hide from my friends and family the fact that I was neither good nor stable, I was struggling internally and teetering on the edge of self-destruction. When I finally started being honest with myself, when I let go of the fear, shame, guilt and self-loathing it was easy to start being honest and open with those around me. Self-acceptance and self-compassion led to a dialogue with my friends and family that fostered a relationship full of understanding, empathy, patience and overwhelming support. 

Understanding and Empathy

When I became a Peer Support Specialist I vowed to share my experiences around mental illness and the mental healthcare system in hopes that my story would foster understanding and empathy in others. Since I began my mental health  journey I have experienced the stigma that caused people struggling with mental illness to stay locked inside themselves because oftentimes they feel misunderstood especially by those closest to them. I empathize with this feeling as I was once there. 

When you have a shared history with someone either a close friend or a family member, they have a perception of who you are based on their lifelong experiences with you. When you introduce mental illness like Bipolar disorder which has the power to change your entire personality, their perceived ideas about you go out the window, essentially they cease to understand who you are or who you have become in your illness. 

It is up to you to help them reframe their perceptions and inspire empathy and understanding for a circumstance they see but still can’t imagine. So, I focus on educating the people closest to me, my friends and family so they have a better understanding of my illness, my behavior when experiencing symptoms and how they can support me through my turbulent episodes. However, even with new found wisdom, understanding and empathy these relationships will continue to be tested without  setting boundaries that protect both our mental health and strengthen our relationship during a manic phase.     

Respecting Boundaries

My family and friends have had to set some hard limits with me over the years. The truth is when I’m unwell, specifically in Mania I tend to violate my loved ones boundaries though unintentionally I cross their time boundaries, for example contacting them at all hours of the day and night, as well as their emotional boundaries, often calling in extreme distress or incoherent and uncontrollable tears that they are simply not equipped to deal with. 

I’ve learned over the years that crossing boundaries such as these is extremely difficult for my family and friends and causes strain on their mental health as well as their ability to provide me with continued support. So, when I experience wellness I use open communication with my loved ones and ask honest questions like,

“What are your limits of support when I’m unwell and what can I do to make sure you feel supported during an episode?” 

“Do you prefer I text you while I’m experiencing an episode with updates on my progress?”

“Do you want to be an active member of my support circle which includes daily phone calls and home or hospital visits?”

Although some of these questions come with difficult answers, they are all built around love, support and mutual respect. Sometimes the only way my family and friends can support me is by stepping back from what can be an extremely overwhelming, often stressful and usually volatile experience. In my journey however, I’ve been fortunate to have a close connection with someone who has stuck by my side regardless of how rough the waters get. 

My mental health mentor has been a part of my journey for almost 17 years,  she is my greatest supporter, acting as friend, family, advisor, advocate and substitute decision maker while I’m hospitalized. She is knowledgeable not only about my mental illness but also resources in my community. She is listed as my emergency contact for Wellness Checks and she manages my home and finances when I’m unwell. But even she and I have developed boundaries over the years that make our relationship mutually beneficial, strengthened our bond and fostered unconditional love and support. 

I also have friends and family members  that I know will answer my distress calls when I’m in need. On my call tree they are listed as my 2 minute, 5 minute and 30 minute team calling my back in those windows of time when I leave an S.O.S message or text. My college roommate (5 minute friend) has pulled her car full of three children and husband over when I send out the signal because she has been a part of this journey from the beginning and our shared history gives her an understanding of how much her continued support means to me. Again, because over the years we have developed good boundaries she knows that if I cross one with a phone call at an inconvenient time I really need her support. 

My little cousin (he’s in his early 40s) is my 2 minute responder. He has firsthand experience with the destruction I can cause in my home in manic-psychosis and has had to keep me on the line while calling 9-1-1 for a Wellness Check and subsequent hospitalization. Boundaries between us are very important but he too realizes if I’m crossing a time boundary for example, his first questions when he picks up are “Are you OK?Are you safe?” Because he has also been on this journey with me for a long time, he has empathy and understanding when I’m severely struggling.   

Final Thoughts

Managing and maintaining relationships when dealing with a serious mental illness like Bipolar disorder, is not easy. I’ve had to learn some hard lessons about how to conduct myself in my relationships with family and friends and also manage the pendulum of mood swings that characterize Bipolar I disorder. I’ve lost a lot of connections along this journey to wellness, some I called friends and others were members of my family. The saying “Some people are in your life for a reason and others are there for a season,” resonates with me as those that have lasted the test of Bipolar disorder giving my unconditional love and support even when I was at my worse are the individuals that God truly gifted to me knowing I couldn’t walk this road alone. 

For the individuals I only had a season with, you are loved, missed and appreciated for the lessons you taught me about myself and how to value the people that are still in my life. To the relationships that might still have life and love left in them again you are loved, missed and appreciated and I hope one day we will find our way back to each other and rebuild on a foundation based on honesty, mutual respect, empathy and understanding, boundaries and unconditional love. 

Women like me, navigating both the chaos of Mania and the scars of gender-based violence (GBV), live at an intersection where trauma and mental illness collide. This space is isolating, painful, and often misunderstood. But it is also a space where healing, resilience, and transformation are possible. By sharing my journey, I hope to offer insight, solidarity, and a reminder that even in the most complex struggles, recovery is within reach.

Understanding Bipolar Disorder and Mania Through Lived Experience

What It Means to Live With Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder isn’t just about feeling “up” and “down”—it’s an all-consuming condition that distorts how you think, feel, and behave. In manic episodes, my mind would race faster than I could process, leading to reckless decisions and putting me in situations I’d never choose if I were stable. The highs felt intoxicating, but they came with devastating consequences.

Mania and Vulnerability

During one manic episode, I found myself in an unfamiliar, unsafe environment where I was assaulted again. In the haze of Mania, I couldn’t process what had happened. Even now, in moments of clarity, that trauma feels locked away, detached from my emotions. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt—it’s that it’s stored in a part of me that feels unreachable. This is the reality of experiencing trauma during Mania: it fragments, leaving you to carry the weight of something you can’t fully unpack.

The Impact of Gender-Based Violence (GBV) on Bipolar Women

Trauma as a Catalyst

Bipolar disorder doesn’t come out of nowhere. In my case, the chemical imbalance was always there, but the unaddressed trauma from my childhood and adolescence acted as a catalyst. The anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation stemming from gender-based violence (GBV) lit the fuse that triggered my Bipolar disorder.

For women with Bipolar disorder, trauma doesn’t just coexist with the condition—it amplifies it. During depressive episodes, the shame and fear of past violence can feel suffocating. During Mania, boundaries blur, leaving you vulnerable to further harm. It’s a cycle that feels impossible to escape without help.

The Numbers Tell a Story

Women with mental health conditions like Bipolar disorder are at an alarmingly higher risk of experiencing gender-based violence (GBV)—seven times more likely, to be exact. These numbers reflect the grim reality that mental illness makes us targets, and trauma leaves us grappling with symptoms that demand attention but are too often ignored.

Co-Occurring Disorders: The Double Burden

The Compounding Effects of Trauma and Bipolar Disorder

For years, I tried to numb the pain through substances. Cannabis became my crutch—a way to quiet the memories, fears, and guilt. But instead of healing, I developed a dependency that worsened my Bipolar symptoms. Substance use and unaddressed trauma often go hand in hand, creating a cycle of self-destruction that feels inescapable.

The Body Remembers

Even when my mind tried to forget, my body held onto the trauma. I’d experience panic attacks, flashbacks, and a deep sense of unease in intimate situations. Trauma isn’t just a mental health issue; it’s a full-body experience that requires holistic healing.

Finding Support and Reclaiming Power

Leaning on Others

I used to think I had to face my trauma alone. But over time, I learned the value of building a support network, even if they didn’t fully understand my experiences. Opening up to friends, family, and mental health professionals became a lifeline.

Professional Resources That Changed My Life

Therapy was a turning point. Programs like the Ontario Shores Trauma-Treatment and Recovery Program and the Women’s College Hospital Trauma Therapy Program gave me the tools to confront my trauma head-on. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) and trauma-informed care helped me unpack my past and build healthier coping mechanisms.

Coping Strategies for Navigating Mania and Trauma

Healing Is Messy, But Worth It

Recovery isn’t linear, and it isn’t perfect. There were days I felt like giving up, but I kept going. These strategies have helped me:

• Journaling: Writing allowed me to process my thoughts and emotions, especially during manic episodes.

• Mindfulness Practices: Grounding exercises helped me stay present, even when flashbacks threatened to overwhelm me.

• Forgiveness: I had to forgive myself—not for what happened, but for the ways I coped, the mistakes I made, and the shame I carried. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the trauma, but it lightens the burden.

Advocacy and Awareness: Changing the Narrative

Speaking Out for Change

For too long, women like me have been silenced by stigma and shame. But our stories matter. By advocating for mental health awareness and pushing for better resources, we can create a world where survivors feel seen and supported.

Building a Safer Future

Advocacy isn’t just about individual healing—it’s about systemic change. We need trauma-informed mental health care, accessible support systems, and safe spaces where survivors can share their experiences without fear of judgment. By opening up about our trauma to individuals and organizations that can effect change we are not only exhibiting resilience in our journey to healing but giving other survivors of trauma a voice and reassurance that there support, empathy and understanding in spaces where previously we didn’t feel confidence in. 

Final Thoughts

Living at the intersection of Mania and trauma has been the hardest fight of my life, but it’s also been my greatest teacher. I’ve learned resilience, self-compassion, and the power of community. Healing doesn’t erase the pain, but it transforms it, allowing you to move forward with strength and purpose.

If you’re reading this and feeling trapped by your trauma or mental health struggles, please know you’re not alone. There is hope, and there is help. Reach out, speak up, and take that first step toward reclaiming your life.

You are stronger than your pain. Together, we can break the silence and build a future where healing is possible for all of us. Remember there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel and there is definitely sunshine after the rain.

This isn’t just my story. It’s the story of countless women and girls whose mental health are impacted by gender-based violence (GBV). It’s a story about survival, recovery, and the complex intersection of trauma and mental illness. I’m sharing this because it’s time to break the silence and reclaim our narratives—not just for myself but for others who feel unseen, unheard, or unworthy of healing.

Understanding Gender-Based Violence: A Survivor’s Lens

What Gender-based Violence (GBV) Looks Like for Me

For me, GBV wasn’t an abstract concept; it was a crushing reality. It was the way my high school boyfriend used charm to mask his manipulation, how he pressured me into uncomfortable situations, and the moment he crossed an unforgivable line by orchestrating my assault.

This is the nature of GBV—it often happens at the hands of someone you know, someone you trust. It can be physical, emotional, or sexual, and it leaves behind wounds that don’t always show on the surface.

The Silent Epidemic

The statistics are staggering: In Canada, over 34,000 sexual assaults were reported in 2021 alone. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg—most incidents, like mine, go unreported. Survivors stay silent for many reasons: fear, shame, or the belief that no one will believe them. For women with mental health conditions, the risk is even greater. We are seven times more likely to be assaulted than others, making our vulnerabilities feel like targets.

Living With Bipolar Disorder After Gender-based Violence (GBV)

The Ripple Effects of Trauma

The trauma did not just hurt me in the moment; it changed the course of my life and my mental health. At first, I was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. It wasn’t until my 20s, after years of unexplained emotional highs and lows, that I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Looking back, I realize how much the assault triggered and amplified my symptoms.

During manic episodes, I made reckless decisions—seeking validation, ignoring my instincts, and putting myself in risky situations. During depressive episodes, I felt consumed by shame and fear, reliving the assault over and over in my mind. I became trapped in a cycle of emotional instability that seemed impossible to break.

Intimacy as a Battlefield

Intimacy became one of my biggest challenges. I couldn’t separate physical closeness from the violence I’d endured. My trauma response was visceral: flashbacks, shaking, hyperventilating. Even when I managed to push through, I’d leave the experience feeling dirty, ashamed, and unworthy. I coped the only way I knew how—with cannabis, used to dull the fear and guilt. But numbing myself wasn’t healing. It was just survival.

Breaking the Cycle: My Path to Recovery

The Moment I Sought Help

I hit a breaking point in my 30s. After years of running from my trauma, I finally admitted that I needed help. I reached out to my local rape crisis centre and began weekly counselling sessions. Talking about the assault was excruciating, but it was also liberating. For the first time, I felt seen and heard.

Through cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), I confronted my fears head-on. Exposure therapy helped me reframe my interactions with men and take back some of the power I felt I had lost. Healing wasn’t linear, but it was possible.

What Recovery Looks Like for Me

Recovery did not mean erasing what happened—it meant learning how to live with it. It meant forgiving myself for the ways I coped, embracing my resilience, and finding tools to navigate my triggers. It also meant leaning on resources like the Oshawa-Durham Rape Crisis Centre and Women’s College Hospital’s trauma therapy programs.

The Bigger Picture: Empowering Survivors

We Deserve Better

As survivors, we are often told to “move on” or “let it go,” but healing doesn’t work that way. It takes time, effort, and support. And it requires a society willing to confront the roots of Gender-based violence (GBV) and the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Advocacy has become a part of my recovery. By sharing my story, I hope to challenge the systems that failed me and to create safer spaces for other survivors. Whether it’s through supporting local crisis centres, pushing for policy changes, or simply listening to survivors without judgment, we all have a role to play.

Final Thoughts

 A Message to Fellow Survivors

To anyone reading this who feels trapped by their trauma, I see you. I am you. And I want you to know that healing is possible. It’s not easy, and it won’t erase the pain, but it can help you find peace.

You didn’t ask for this. What happened to you is not your fault. But your healing? That’s yours to claim. You are worthy of recovery, of love, and of a life free from the shadows of your past.

Recovery and healing from trauma is not going to be easy. You will have days you regret starting the journey and you want to walk away from revisiting some of the most painful memories of your life. But I ask you to keep trying, keep working toward the goal of healing and keep fighting for yourself and your future happiness. Do not let your past dictate your future and do not let your perpetrator steal your joy. 

Let’s break the silence together. Let’s fight for a world where survivors are heard, believed, and empowered to heal. You are not alone. There is light at the end of this very dark tunnel and there is definitely sunshine after the rain.