Tuesday, February 4, 2025

The Intersection of Mania and Trauma: Experiences of Gender-Based Violence in Bipolar Women

The Intersection of Mania and Trauma: Experiences of Gender-Based Violence in Bipolar Women

Gender-based violence (GBV) is not just an event; it’s a seismic shift that reverberates through every corner of your life. For me, it wasn’t the cause of my bipolar disorder, but it was the spark that ignited its flames. The sexual trauma I endured as a child and later as a teenager wasn’t just a fleeting moment of fear—it became a lifelong shadow that fuelled depression, anxiety, and eventually, my first manic-psychotic episode.

Women like me, navigating both the chaos of Mania and the scars of gender-based violence (GBV), live at an intersection where trauma and mental illness collide. This space is isolating, painful, and often misunderstood. But it is also a space where healing, resilience, and transformation are possible. By sharing my journey, I hope to offer insight, solidarity, and a reminder that even in the most complex struggles, recovery is within reach.

Understanding Bipolar Disorder and Mania Through Lived Experience

What It Means to Live With Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder isn’t just about feeling “up” and “down”—it’s an all-consuming condition that distorts how you think, feel, and behave. In manic episodes, my mind would race faster than I could process, leading to reckless decisions and putting me in situations I’d never choose if I were stable. The highs felt intoxicating, but they came with devastating consequences.

Mania and Vulnerability

During one manic episode, I found myself in an unfamiliar, unsafe environment where I was assaulted again. In the haze of Mania, I couldn’t process what had happened. Even now, in moments of clarity, that trauma feels locked away, detached from my emotions. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt—it’s that it’s stored in a part of me that feels unreachable. This is the reality of experiencing trauma during Mania: it fragments, leaving you to carry the weight of something you can’t fully unpack.

The Impact of Gender-Based Violence (GBV) on Bipolar Women

Trauma as a Catalyst

Bipolar disorder doesn’t come out of nowhere. In my case, the chemical imbalance was always there, but the unaddressed trauma from my childhood and adolescence acted as a catalyst. The anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation stemming from gender-based violence (GBV) lit the fuse that triggered my Bipolar disorder.

For women with Bipolar disorder, trauma doesn’t just coexist with the condition—it amplifies it. During depressive episodes, the shame and fear of past violence can feel suffocating. During Mania, boundaries blur, leaving you vulnerable to further harm. It’s a cycle that feels impossible to escape without help.

The Numbers Tell a Story

Women with mental health conditions like Bipolar disorder are at an alarmingly higher risk of experiencing gender-based violence (GBV)—seven times more likely, to be exact. These numbers reflect the grim reality that mental illness makes us targets, and trauma leaves us grappling with symptoms that demand attention but are too often ignored.

Co-Occurring Disorders: The Double Burden

The Compounding Effects of Trauma and Bipolar Disorder

For years, I tried to numb the pain through substances. Cannabis became my crutch—a way to quiet the memories, fears, and guilt. But instead of healing, I developed a dependency that worsened my Bipolar symptoms. Substance use and unaddressed trauma often go hand in hand, creating a cycle of self-destruction that feels inescapable.

The Body Remembers

Even when my mind tried to forget, my body held onto the trauma. I’d experience panic attacks, flashbacks, and a deep sense of unease in intimate situations. Trauma isn’t just a mental health issue; it’s a full-body experience that requires holistic healing.

Finding Support and Reclaiming Power

Leaning on Others

I used to think I had to face my trauma alone. But over time, I learned the value of building a support network, even if they didn’t fully understand my experiences. Opening up to friends, family, and mental health professionals became a lifeline.

Professional Resources That Changed My Life

Therapy was a turning point. Programs like the Ontario Shores Trauma-Treatment and Recovery Program and the Women’s College Hospital Trauma Therapy Program gave me the tools to confront my trauma head-on. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) and trauma-informed care helped me unpack my past and build healthier coping mechanisms.

Coping Strategies for Navigating Mania and Trauma

Healing Is Messy, But Worth It

Recovery isn’t linear, and it isn’t perfect. There were days I felt like giving up, but I kept going. These strategies have helped me:

  • Journaling: Writing allowed me to process my thoughts and emotions, especially during manic episodes.

  • Mindfulness Practices: Grounding exercises helped me stay present, even when flashbacks threatened to overwhelm me.

  • Forgiveness: I had to forgive myself—not for what happened, but for the ways I coped, the mistakes I made, and the shame I carried. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the trauma, but it lightens the burden.

Advocacy and Awareness: Changing the Narrative

Speaking Out for Change

For too long, women like me have been silenced by stigma and shame. But our stories matter. By advocating for mental health awareness and pushing for better resources, we can create a world where survivors feel seen and supported.

Building a Safer Future

Advocacy isn’t just about individual healing—it’s about systemic change. We need trauma-informed mental health care, accessible support systems, and safe spaces where survivors can share their experiences without fear of judgment. By opening up about our trauma to individuals and organizations that can effect change we are not only exhibiting resilience in our journey to healing but giving other survivors of trauma a voice and reassurance that there support, empathy and understanding in spaces where previously we didn’t feel confidence in. 

Final Thoughts

Living at the intersection of Mania and trauma has been the hardest fight of my life, but it’s also been my greatest teacher. I’ve learned resilience, self-compassion, and the power of community. Healing doesn’t erase the pain, but it transforms it, allowing you to move forward with strength and purpose.

If you’re reading this and feeling trapped by your trauma or mental health struggles, please know you’re not alone. There is hope, and there is help. Reach out, speak up, and take that first step toward reclaiming your life.

You are stronger than your pain. Together, we can break the silence and build a future where healing is possible for all of us. Remember there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel and there is definitely sunshine after the rain.

By at No comments:
Labels: , , , , ,

Monday, February 3, 2025

Navigating the Impact of Gender-Based Violence on Women and Girls with Bipolar Disorder

Navigating the Impact of Gender-Based Violence on Women and Girls with Bipolar Disorder

The sexual assaults I experienced as a girl and young woman didn’t just harm my body—they broke my sense of safety, crushed my spirit, and ultimately unraveled my mental health. At first, I thought the sadness and fear I felt were normal, something I could ignore or move past. But the trauma didn’t fade. It morphed, deepened, and intertwined with symptoms of Bipolar disorder, a condition I didn’t even know I had until years later.

This isn’t just my story. It’s the story of countless women and girls whose mental health are impacted by gender-based violence (GBV). It’s a story about survival, recovery, and the complex intersection of trauma and mental illness. I’m sharing this because it’s time to break the silence and reclaim our narratives—not just for myself but for others who feel unseen, unheard, or unworthy of healing.

Understanding Gender-Based Violence: A Survivor’s Lens

What Gender-based Violence (GBV) Looks Like for Me

For me, GBV wasn’t an abstract concept; it was a crushing reality. It was the way my high school boyfriend used charm to mask his manipulation, how he pressured me into uncomfortable situations, and the moment he crossed an unforgivable line by orchestrating my assault.

This is the nature of GBV—it often happens at the hands of someone you know, someone you trust. It can be physical, emotional, or sexual, and it leaves behind wounds that don’t always show on the surface.

The Silent Epidemic

The statistics are staggering: In Canada, over 34,000 sexual assaults were reported in 2021 alone. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg—most incidents, like mine, go unreported. Survivors stay silent for many reasons: fear, shame, or the belief that no one will believe them. For women with mental health conditions, the risk is even greater. We are seven times more likely to be assaulted than others, making our vulnerabilities feel like targets.

Living With Bipolar Disorder After Gender-based Violence (GBV)

The Ripple Effects of Trauma

The trauma did not just hurt me in the moment; it changed the course of my life and my mental health. At first, I was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. It wasn’t until my 20s, after years of unexplained emotional highs and lows, that I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Looking back, I realize how much the assault triggered and amplified my symptoms.

During manic episodes, I made reckless decisions—seeking validation, ignoring my instincts, and putting myself in risky situations. During depressive episodes, I felt consumed by shame and fear, reliving the assault over and over in my mind. I became trapped in a cycle of emotional instability that seemed impossible to break.

Intimacy as a Battlefield

Intimacy became one of my biggest challenges. I couldn’t separate physical closeness from the violence I’d endured. My trauma response was visceral: flashbacks, shaking, hyperventilating. Even when I managed to push through, I’d leave the experience feeling dirty, ashamed, and unworthy. I coped the only way I knew how—with cannabis, used to dull the fear and guilt. But numbing myself wasn’t healing. It was just survival.

Breaking the Cycle: My Path to Recovery

The Moment I Sought Help

I hit a breaking point in my 30s. After years of running from my trauma, I finally admitted that I needed help. I reached out to my local rape crisis centre and began weekly counselling sessions. Talking about the assault was excruciating, but it was also liberating. For the first time, I felt seen and heard.

Through cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), I confronted my fears head-on. Exposure therapy helped me reframe my interactions with men and take back some of the power I felt I had lost. Healing wasn’t linear, but it was possible.

What Recovery Looks Like for Me

Recovery did not mean erasing what happened—it meant learning how to live with it. It meant forgiving myself for the ways I coped, embracing my resilience, and finding tools to navigate my triggers. It also meant leaning on resources like the Oshawa-Durham Rape Crisis Centre and Women’s College Hospital’s trauma therapy programs.

The Bigger Picture: Empowering Survivors

We Deserve Better

As survivors, we are often told to “move on” or “let it go,” but healing doesn’t work that way. It takes time, effort, and support. And it requires a society willing to confront the roots of Gender-based violence (GBV) and the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Advocacy has become a part of my recovery. By sharing my story, I hope to challenge the systems that failed me and to create safer spaces for other survivors. Whether it’s through supporting local crisis centres, pushing for policy changes, or simply listening to survivors without judgment, we all have a role to play.

Final Thoughts

 A Message to Fellow Survivors

To anyone reading this who feels trapped by their trauma, I see you. I am you. And I want you to know that healing is possible. It’s not easy, and it won’t erase the pain, but it can help you find peace.

You didn’t ask for this. What happened to you is not your fault. But your healing? That’s yours to claim. You are worthy of recovery, of love, and of a life free from the shadows of your past.

Recovery and healing from trauma is not going to be easy. You will have days you regret starting the journey and you want to walk away from revisiting some of the most painful memories of your life. But I ask you to keep trying, keep working toward the goal of healing and keep fighting for yourself and your future happiness. Do not let your past dictate your future and do not let your perpetrator steal your joy. 

Let’s break the silence together. Let’s fight for a world where survivors are heard, believed, and empowered to heal. You are not alone. There is light at the end of this very dark tunnel and there is definitely sunshine after the rain.


By at No comments:
Labels: , , , ,

Saturday, February 1, 2025

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection: Black Privilege - A Dedication to My Ancestors

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection: Black Privilege - A Dedication to My Ancestors

The following piece of work was a reflection written in 2016 after experiencing what I call ‘polite racism’ now known as microaggression in my workplace. The interaction that occurred was so quick and seemingly insignificant but it had a profound effect on me. It wasn’t that I couldn’t feel the presence of racism as it stared me in the face the morning I made coffee in my office kitchen and was told it was my job to serve others in my office and I should feel grateful to be there. Rather, it was the privilege of knowing my lived experiences to that point that dictated that walking away from the indignity being handed to me was my right as a Black woman who had fought and earned her seat at every and any table I chose to sit at.


There are always small minds lurking around every corner but It’s how you choose to react to their attempts to tear you down, upset your spirit or steal your joy. On that day in my history I thought it was important not to feel anger and indignation but to reflect on the lived experiences of my ancestors and myself that make me privileged to be black in the world that I inherited and to express empathy and understanding for those who still can’t embrace my blackness.    


Black Privilege-A Dedication to My Ancestors 

 

I studied history at Carleton University for four years and I have a Bachelor of Arts Honors in the subject. It’s not a Master’s or a PhD and I am not professing to be an expert but I do have four years (+) foundation on the topic.

 

I have studied Canadian, American, European, Asian and African history. I have studied the history of the world, which is re-written as everyday passes, so it is impossible to ever study it fully.

 

But this is what I have learned and some of the conclusions I have come to, again based on what I learned.

 

In the history of the world, at some point EVERYONE WAS OPPRESSED BY SOMEONE FOR SOME SEEMINGLY VALID REASON THAT MADE SENSE IN THAT TIME AND AT THAT TIME.

 

The English, for example, oppressed the Europeans, the Indians of Southeast Asia, the Asians of South East Asia, the Irish, the Scottish and Africans—this period in history is called Colonization.

 

They justified their actions with religion and man-made laws and years of feudal tradition and a variety of other territorial ideologies that I won’t go into, because it doesn’t really matter the reason…it’s a fact…it happened.

 

Before the British Empire, there was the Ottoman Empire and the Roman Empire etc. And for some reason they thought it was a good idea to repress and place value on people and their families and their lives.

 

A hierarchy was created, the concept was developed, and it has existed since the beginning of time.

 

Leaders, lead and followers, follow. Sometimes there were good leaders who had the best interest of the people at heart.

 

More often there were leaders that made selfish decisions, let absolute power cloud their judgment and cause immeasurable, reprehensible damage.

To rule is to serve, some people serve others, and some serve themselves. This is a face for the Ancestors of the people who currently inherit the world.

 

I have now given you a very broad and general statement about centuries and centuries of history—social history to be specific. It is up to you to go and do your research and then see if you truly agree or disagree with the next statements I am about to make.

 

Though I have studied world history, the history that I am most concerned with is my own.

 

I was born in Guyana, South America. My ancestors were a part of the Transatlantic Slave Trade. Essentially, the ships that left from Africa went to different parts of the world, not just North America.

 

If I were born a slave, I would have been raised on a Guyanese sugar plantation. If I looked the way I do now, had the same spirit or energy, if I could make people laugh or sing a song or had any special talent, I would have been a House Slave.

 

If I had no value beyond the ability to work long hours in extreme conditions, I would have been in the fields.

 

Based on my knowledge of the Slave Trade and Slavery, I believe this is all true. This is what African slavery looked like all around the world.

 

I have also thought about what I would have done if I were a slave. Would I be born and live and die a slave? Would I rage against the injustice of the experience and fight and flee to freedom?

 

I can say with some measure of confidence that I would run, fight and flee. I would risk getting caught and beaten and killed. I would do anything I needed to do to get out.

 

But I am not a slave. I was not born a slave. I have not lived as a slave and I will not die a slave. So, I can’t say what I would have done, only what I hope I would have the courage to do in that situation.

 

I am so grateful to my Ancestors for carrying that burden, for being strong, for trusting in God to cast away their worries and fears, for falling in love and making babies and preserving traditions; for being resilient so that I would never have to be in the world that they left me, in the world that I inherited.

 

Now when I speak to you about my Ancestors, I am not talking about the experiences that shaped an entire faction of people.

 

I am speaking about the Ancestors that are directly responsible for me being alive because they are the only people I feel I have a right to speak on behalf of. They are a part of me, they make up my history and therefore I have that right.

 

Based on what I know about my Ancestors, I would say half made the best of an extremely, horrifically bad situation and found a way not just to survive but to thrive in their new circumstance—the other half did not;

 

They were bitter and angry and resentful and afraid and that was their choice. That was how they dealt with the destruction, degradation and devastation that slavery caused.

 

There are 400 (+) years of history documenting the slave experience, interpreting and re-interpreting them and it is painful to listen to, look at and read.

 

So, I never tried to tackle it all but instead I tried to make sense of how I came to be here and what I wanted my living history to be.

 

This is what I know about how I came to be in the world that I inherited…

 

My family, my parents had a series of life experiences that led them to each other and then on December 30, 1982, I was born. That is when My History begins.

 

My parents worked hard, they sacrificed and fought for me. They took me from a place where our Ancestors were slaves, where I could have been born and lived and died as a slave and they freed me.

 

Because my parents grew up in Guyana, they knew all the challenges that I would have to face and that I would inherit if we stayed.

 

They wanted better for me, more than they had, they had a dream just like Martin Luther King Jr. and they did everything in their power to make it happen; fast forward 42 years to today…

 

I am a 1st Generation Guyanese immigrant with a Bachelor of Arts Honors in History, a Graduate Certificate in Public Relations and Communications from Humber College and a Graduate Certificate in Event Management from Durham College.

 

I have a deep and abiding trust in the Lord that He continues to walk with me on my purpose filled journey through life and He will be there to catch me when I stumble or fall.

 

I am currently pursuing my goals of being an author and public speaker with dreams of pursuing other things and the confidence and security of knowing that everything I want is within my reach. I just have to keep working hard and I will get there.

 

My past experiences, my living history, the story I have written for myself because of my parent’s hard work, courage, perseverance, lack of pride, resilience, patience, tolerance, and overall awesomeness—I know every dream I have ever had is going to become a reality.

 

This glass ceiling that I heard so much about growing up; the limitations of Black People, my parents shattered that ceiling before it ever got in my way, so I have lived a life as if it never existed.

 

Ideas, criticisms, labels and stereotypes associated with black people, they always offended me, but I never let them affect the decisions I made about my life and future.

 

If the world said I couldn’t do it because I am Black, I was always hell-bent on showing them I could do it, not because I am black but because I am me…

 

Onika L. Dainty…the sum total of my experiences, living history, constantly learning, never asking permission or forgiveness (unless I really need it which, I usually don’t with permission but always do with forgiveness).

 

If I fail, I take a step back and ask myself why? I look to my support system of family and friends because I know they are always there.

 

And I ultimately learned not to blame people outside of my control for the things that are inside my control.

 

This security and freedom have given me the confidence to smile and laugh and talk to and listen to and learn from all kinds of people from all different parts of the world that I inherited. I look at things from my point of view and let people look at things from theirs.

 

I do not judge or diminish other people’s experiences. I do not subscribe to negative labels, and I do not let the concept of Racism and all the burdens it brings to dictate my actions.

 

I am kind to everyone until they give me a reason not to be. I try not to be cruel but instead remember that they are the sum total of their life experience and that they are living history so, every day is a new opportunity to change.

 

I believe in love and not hate, though I know they both exist in the world that I inherited. I know how conflict and wars between people and nations begin but I still can’t say I understand why because although it is happening in the world that I inherited it is not a part of my living history.

 

I can only be responsible and accountable for the decisions I make when faced with conflict, adversity and challenges because according to my Ancestors and my history and what I have learned, all that they expect of me is:

 

To do my best, to work hard, to trust in God, to fight when it is time to fight, to flee when it is time to flee, to love and fall in love and make babies and to pass on traditions; to respect them and the burden they carried on their backs across an entire ocean, beyond 400 (+) years of struggle and pain to give me the gifts I have today—the gift of security, safety, confidence and support.

 

That is the world that I live in, it’s the only one I can exist in, the only one I know and can survive and thrive in like they did. That is the world that they left me, the world that I inherited.

 

That is my Black Privilege. What’s yours?

 

In Recognition of Black History Month and My Ancestors


By at No comments:
Labels: , , , , , , ,

Friday, January 31, 2025

A Bipolar Woman's Self-Reflection: My Mental Health Update January 2025

A Bipolar Woman's Self-Reflection: My Mental Health Update January 2025

Dear Readers,

I know you must be wondering where I disappeared to after my last post on January 9, 2025. The honest truth is I needed a mental health break. After my cousin’s passing in November 2024 and my travels to my home country of Guyana, South America I was mentally, physically and emotionally depleted. Although I had a wonderful time back home reconnecting with family and friends I was struggling with managing my mental health and maintaining my normal routine. The excitement of travel, being in a new environment, lack of sleep and mismanaging my medication (taking them at odd and inconsistent hours) threw me into a three-day manic episode. Historically, I have never had such a short period of Mania but the evidence was clear: excessive energy after a few hours sleep, racing thoughts, pressured speech, hyperspending and risky behaviour. After a few good nights of sleep and going back on my regular schedule for taking my medication I was able to manage the symptoms and fortunately I went back to baseline. 


When I returned home however, I was physically and mentally exhausted. My mood dipped into a depression and I had no energy or motivation to do the tasks I love like writing my blog. I also had to prepare myself mentally for what was upcoming, specifically starting my trauma treatment therapy. I didn’t stay down for long though, I got into gear by starting to rebuild my structure, routine and habits that are so important to my mental wellness. This included my daily to do lists, a new nutritional plan where I cook (yes I cook now) and eliminate processed foods (so no more DoorDash takeout) and I started going to the gym five days a week in the mornings and walking 3-5 miles on the treadmill. All of these habits–some new, some old, have helped me increase my energy, helped with my sleep hygiene and helped me find my motivation especially for writing to all the readers who have supported me through my journey.


So, I’m back! I can’t promise you I won’t need a break again because unfortunately Bipolar disorder can be unpredictable. What I can promise is that I will keep you updated with self-reflections on how I’m doing because I know you care, I know I’m not alone and we are on this journey together. Look out for my February 1 blog in recognition of the start of Black History Month.


Truly Yours,


Onika the Bipolar Butterfly.
By at No comments:
Labels: , , , , ,
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)