Onika L. Dainty

Life Lesson #4

Seventy-one and a half miles. 

190,725 steps. 

18 days.

When I think about where and when I first heard this quote I draw a blank. It’s as if I was born with this philosophy in my bones and in my heart so the first time it appeared before me I already knew it. It's the story of my life, reminding me that no matter what my goals are, what challenges I face, what adversity I need to overcome to reach my final destination I must take the most important first step without fear of the outcome or even knowing where the journey will take me. Even when the walk feels impossible and never-ending, every journey is an adventure with no guarantees that it will help you or hurt your current circumstance. By taking the first step the only certainty is that you will have to continue to walk down an unknown path to gain knowledge and understanding of your purpose, to learn the lessons that every journey teaches you. 

I remember the fear I felt at 5 years old taking that first step onto an airplane at the Cheddi Jagan International Airport in my home Guyana where my mother and I would fly to Canada, to our new lives and it feels like I’ve been taking first steps ever since. 

The first step into a Canadian elementary school where I would experience racism and bullying. 

The first step into my new house in Pickering, ON where I felt love and happiness, where I wrote my first award-winning poem, where my family was whole. 

My first step into the hallways of my high school where I experienced gender-based violence, fear and constant anxiety. 

The first step onto my university campus where I found escape from my past, where I smoked my first joint while experiencing extreme depression, where I graduated with my first Honours degree in History

My first step inside the observation room of a Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) where I would be diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder  and the course of my life would be forever changed.

When I was discharged from my first psychiatric hold I had no idea that on my journey to wellness I would have copious admissions, struggle with substance use issues, go to rehab, have a dual-diagnosis, have a co-occurring disorder, be non-compliant with my medication, be restrained to multiple hospital beds, be fired from numerous jobs, lose friendships, lose family, face my trauma, face the death of loved ones, experience homelessness, successfully complete two other higher-education credentials, become a national ambassador for mental health, start a podcast, be an advocate and public speaker for mental illness, write a book, re-write a book start a blog, be reunited with my family, enjoy cooking, live in a beautiful house or end-up going to the gym everyday.   

Seventy-one and a half miles. 

190,725 steps. 

18 days.

The above stats are the amount of miles I’ve walked on the treadmill and the amount of steps I’ve taken in the 18 days I’ve been going to the gym. It might not seem relevant in the face of everything else I’ve said but for me it represents what Lao Tzu is trying to say. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. It's about making a decision to change your circumstances, to be resilient in the face of adversity, being fearless and doing something you’ve never done before in an attempt to change the direction of your life. I have had a lot of tragedy on my journey but I’ve had a lot of triumphs as well. I choose to learn from the tragedy and celebrate the triumphs by filling my journey with things, people and experiences that bring me joy. I choose to fearlessly walk my thousand miles in happiness and hope instead of fear and despair. Thank you Lao Tzu for teaching me how important it is to take the first step.

The Challenges of Dating: Women’s Experiences with Bipolar Disorder

Love, Relationships and Bipolar Disorder Series - Part 5

When entering into a dating dynamic it's easy to neglect the principles of mental health and wellness that are important to managing your Bipolar disorder. Dating comes with new and unknown elements that can have either positive or challenging outcomes for the already established regime that women create for managing their mental illness. In this article I will explore why it's important to maintain structure, routine and habits while dating, how to balance self-care and relationship commitments and tools and resources that can be helpful for having a positive dating experience. 

Maintaining Stability: Structure, Routine and Habits While Dating

Establishing structure, routine and good habits are crucial when managing Bipolar disorder. Important practices like having an organized living space, good sleep and personal hygiene can be important to how you function in your mental health and in your new dating dynamic. Bipolar disorder and the mood shifts that come with the illness may be affected in a negative way if you are unable to maintain and manage the norms you establish for yourself prior to introducing a potential partner into your world. 

Dating can be filled with experiences and emotions that you are required to navigate. So it's key that you maintain your equilibrium by continuing to create structure, routine and habits that allow you to manage the often unknown challenges that can come with dating a potential partner. Women who have Bipolar disorder can feel a gambit of strong emotions while going through the dating experience similar to women who do not deal with mental illness. It's important to establish a self-care tool kit for dating before your emotional wellness is tested. 

Here are some suggestions for what you may include in your Dating Self-Care Tool-Kit:

• Journaling: writing can help you process any mood swings or emotional irregularities that may arise when dating a potential partner. Journaling daily about your dating experiences and the feelings connected to them can help you decide if you want to continue the relationship or take a break to focus on your needs or personal goals.

• Meditation: listening to calming meditation music before or after a date or before bed can help calm and center your mind bringing back balance and focus on the things you want to achieve in your life and relationships.

• Music: Listening to your favorite music playlist can evoke feelings of joy and happiness allowing you to express your emotions in a healthy way. Singing-a-long or dancing to the beat of music acts as a release for pent up emotions and can bring you back to a more balanced state of mind. 

• Exercise: a daily exercise routine can release the feel-good chemicals your brain needs to maintain good mental health. Whether it’s yoga, walking or high-intensity cardio, taking the time to address your physical needs with exercise is a great way to refocus, reset and reframe your thoughts, feelings and emotions.  

• Nutrition: Eating a wholesome and balanced meal can give you the energy you need to face either positive or negative challenges in your dating experience. Sometimes indulging in comfort foods like mac and cheese or chocolate may be just what you need to feel good  but it’s important to remember not to overindulge as this could lead to unhealthy patterns and behaviours related to managing challenging feelings in your potential relationship. 

• Medication Management: It’s important to continue to manage your medication regime during the dating experience. Taking your medication as prescribed will ensure they continue to be a benefit to your mental health and mood stability.  Maintaining balance in your mental illness is essential to positive outcomes in both your daily life and your dating life.

• Therapy/Counselling: talking to your therapist or councillor can help you manage the difficult up and down emotions that can come with dating. Being open with your healthcare professionals as well as your support team can foster open communication with your potential partner. Being able to express yourself about the dating process with a professional can assist in navigating the more challenging emotions that come with dating.   

• Stay Grounded: practice grounding techniques like breathing exercises or walking in nature can help manage the strong emotions that can come up while dating. Another practice that has recently been suggested for staying grounded is walking or standing barefoot outside or inside your home. There is a school of thought that suggests connecting with the earth or “earthing” can reduce stress, improve sleep, ease anxiety and enhance mood. 

 Resources and Support in Your Community or Online

If you are considering starting to date and are concerned about the challenges you may face due to mental illness below are a few resources that may help:

Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Science: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT); Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)  Group Program- Outpatient referral and self-referral programs.  

Center for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH)- Mental Health 101, Bipolar Disorder: Information Guide-Free tutorial 

Durham Mental Health Service (DMHS)-Community Support Programs; Peer Support Services. Outpatient referral and Self-referral. 

Apps That Support Dating with Mental Illness

NoLongerLonely: app focuses on connecting singles with mental issues, allowing people to openly disclose their issues. 

Hinge and OKCupid: these apps increasingly encourage people to discuss their mental health issues through profile prompts and features that facilitate these conversations. 

Final Thoughts

Like most things in life worth trying, dating will come with its own unique challenges. One of the key ways of dealing with challenges is being prepared for both positive or negative outcomes. Having a Dating Self-Care Tool-Kit is a great way to enter the world of potential relationships. Self-care is essential to maintaining good mental health therefore when embarking on the journey of dating it's important to have the tools you require to manage your Bipolar disorder. Maintaining structure, routine and habit during your dating life is also a great way to ensure your mood and emotions remain stable. Remember, you are not alone in your journey to love so lean on your support team, healthcare professionals and use the resources that are available to have the best dating experience possible. 

Remember, “the best dates are the ones that surprise us,” so I’m wishing all my readers lots of great surprises in your dating adventures. Happy Valentine’s Day.  

Love, Relationships and Bipolar Disorder Series - Part 4

One of the most difficult and emotional aspects of a relationship is when it ends. When you struggle with a mood condition like Bipolar disorder it can be even more challenging to find your balance after a break-up, whether you are the one to end the relationship or it's the other party's decision. Breakups fall under the category of trauma and can trigger mood swings and intensify emotions. It is important to use your mental health tool kit to manage the myriad of feelings such as sadness, shame, guilt, anger, regret or pain that may plague your mind during this difficult process. 

Managing Your Mental Illness While Dealing with a Breakup: Coping Mechanisms

Managing your Bipolar disorder can be difficult on a good day. But how do you manage a mood disorder with a major element of emotional dysfunction when you are faced with the end of a romantic relationship that has the potential to send you spiraling into mood swings and emotional chaos? 

The following is a list of healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with a breakup:

• Allow Yourself to Feel Your Emotions: breakups are similar to the grieving process after a loved one passes. It's okay to feel your feelings whether they range from sadness to guilt or anger. It's also okay to let your emotions out in a healthy way like crying for a period of time. It's important to remember that whatever feelings you are experiencing are real and valid.  It's also important to process then let go of the difficult emotions and move forward into a more positive headspace.

• Talk to Someone: one of the most productive ways to get through a break-up is communicating your thoughts and feelings about the situation to a close friend, a loved one or in therapy or counseling. Use your support system when you are struggling with difficult emotions as they could have ideas on how to move forward, use empathic language to encourage you, share their own lived experience with break-ups or simply just be there to listen or be a sounding board. 

• Social Media Detox: One of the biggest challenges when dealing with a difficult break-up is the presence of the other party on your social media channels. It's been recommended to me in the past to do a 30-day social media cleanse where you limit access to all accounts that may be related to the other party (i.e. their friends or loved ones), limit access to any photographs or videos that may trigger difficult emotions.This may be hard at first but it allows you the time you need to process the break-up and ultimately heal and move forward.

• Set Boundaries: You may find yourself in a situation where there is still contact via phone or text between yourself and the other individual involved in the break-up. These unhealthy behaviours only serve to prolong the process of moving forward and can leave you stuck in the mindset that the break-up is temporary. It is important to communicate before the end of a relationship the reasons why you two are not suited.  

Once this communication has occurred, set boundaries expressing your need for emotional and physical space to heal and move forward. In other words, if you are in the midst of a break-up likely there is a reason and setting healthy boundaries will give you the opportunity to take care of your mental health and prepare yourself for future connections.     

• Self-Care: Practicing self-care is a great way to manage your feelings around a break-up. Having a daily routine around taking care of yourself is essential. Having good sleep hygiene and physical hygiene like daily showers and brushing your teeth can go a long way in helping you avoid depression or anxiety. Daily journaling where you write thoughts about the break-up can help you track your moods as well as process your feelings and can help with healing and moving forward. Exercise and nutrition can serve in physical wellness which promotes focus, motivation and energy. 

• Medication Management:  It's important to continue to manage your medication  taking your mood stabilizers/anti-psychotics as prescribed especially during a difficult and emotional period. Speak with your psychiatrist about changes in your mood and behaviour post-breakup. For example, it's natural to experience a low period after a challenging break-up that may cause issues with your sleep hygiene (sleeping too much or not enough). Your healthcare team may have solutions about how to manage your medication more effectively during this difficult time.   

Final Thoughts

There is a 1962 song by Neil Sedaka called “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do,” and when it comes to this subject truer words were never spoken. Breaking up becomes even more difficult when you factor in a mental illness like Bipolar disorder. When you have a mood disorder your emotions have a tendency to overtake you when dealing with a loss or trauma which is what a break-up can feel like. Depending on the circumstance you may experience the gambit of emotions from high highs (Mania) to low lows (Depression) and there simply is no way to tell how long these extremes will last. 

Therefore, it’s important not to hide inside your feelings, speak to someone about what you are dealing with, use the tools you have in your mental health toolkit, speak to your psychiatrist about the emotional difficulties you are facing and finally trust in yourself that this too shall pass. A break-up can signify the end but also the beginning. Facing your negative emotions around the circumstances of a break-up can be the best way to build resilience after a relationship ends. 

Remember, you are not alone, there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is always sunshine after the rain.    

Mental Illness, Substance Use and Trauma Bonding

What is Trauma Bonding?

“Trauma bonding” in the context of mental illness and substance use refers to an unhealthy emotional attachment a person develops with someone who is causing them hard, often characterized by a cycle of abuse and manipulation with intermittent positive reinforcement, leading the victim to feel loyalty and dependence towards their abuser, even when experiencing negative treatment, making it difficult to leave the situation; this can be particularly prevalent in relationships where one or both partners struggle with mental health or addiction issues. 

 Breaking Free From Unhealthy Relationships

When you combine mental illness, substance use and dating dynamics it can result in a dangerous and often volatile experience for both parties involved. It is not uncommon for individuals struggling with mental illness and substance use issues to form trauma bonds when exploring a dating relationship. These individuals may discover similarities in their mental health or substance use journey leading to the belief that they have found a love connection or a bond forged in shared trauma experiences. Trauma bonding  can lead to increased and riskier substance use, increased mental instability and dysfunction or in severe cases physical or emotional abuse within the dating relationship. 

If you find yourself involved in this kind of dynamic here are some steps you can take to break free from the unhealthy trauma bonding relationship:  

• Educate yourself about your mental illness and the effects of substance use. Speak to your healthcare team or pharmacist about how substances can interact with your medication regime as well as the long-term effects substance use has on your mental illness and overall mental health outcomes.   

• Acknowledge and accept the situation. Knowing that there is a problem in your relationship dynamic is the first step to severing the trauma bond that you may be holding onto. Understanding that your partner may not feel the same way it is important to remain in a space of compassion and no-judgement, instead realize your journeys may be going in different directions. 

• Seek support from family, friends and in your community. It’s important to maintain open and honest communication with your loved ones about your experience with an unhealthy relationship. Seeking therapy or counseling can also lead to understanding and ultimately healing the trauma ties that bind you. 

• Develop coping skills. Do your research on developing skills that can assist you in managing the more unhealthy aspects of your relationship. Breaking free of unhealthy relationships can involve changing the way you communicate creating a positive and safe space that promotes change. Developing interpersonal skills like active listening, conflict resolution, assertiveness or problem solving can lead to healthier outcomes for future connections.

• Establish boundaries. When establishing boundaries in an unhealthy relationship it’s important to include a consequence if your boundaries are crossed. When trying to build a stable and healthy connection, establishing limits and rules  to define what behaviours are acceptable can go a long way in helping both parties decide whether the relationship has long-term potential. 

• Start building healthy relationships. When unhealthy bonds are severed it's important to replace them with healthier ones. It can be challenging to break away from relationships that no longer serve you and to start building connections that will have positive outcomes for your mental health. A great place to start is finding groups or making associations with people who share similar interests. These spaces can be found on community boards, recreation centres or through your local mental health service organizations.  

Final Thoughts

Navigating mental illness and substance abuse in a relationship is always challenging. Even when there are strong positive emotions, they are overshadowed by unhealthy patterns of behaviour. When an individual is dealing with a co-occurring mental illness with substance use disorder it becomes challenging to function in a healthy relationship dynamic. If both parties have substance use issues it can invite a toxic element into the relationship that can lead to unhealthy bonds that affect positive mental health outcomes. Although human connection is essential to our personal growth, we have to consider the choices we make and if the relationships we pursue serve our mental health needs in a positive, productive and healthy way.