Onika L. Dainty

The thing about toxic people is that they can sense vulnerability in others because they themselves lack positive characteristics that allow for stable and supportive friendships. Below are some characteristic of Toxic Friends:

• Lack of Trust: a toxic friend might gossip about  intimate details of your life with other people. You may also notice a toxic friend spends a lot of time gossiping about other friends, romantic partners or family members in their lives

• Manipulation: a toxic friend might use manipulation to get what they want from you. This manipulation can come in the form of guilt, shame or excessive compliments toward you.

• Jealousy: a toxic friend might be jealous of your other relationships and try to put a wedge between you and them. They may also be jealous of some aspect of your personality or lifestyle and might practice passive aggressive criticism to put you down.

• One-sided relationship: you might find yourself giving a disproportionate amount of time, emotional support or money to a toxic friend and receiving very little support in return.

• Lack of Boundaries: a toxic friend might ignore your boundaries or have no boundaries of their own. For example, not respecting your time boundaries by expecting you to be available to them whenever they call. 

• Trauma Bonding: if you and your toxic friend share similar past traumas you may find yourself becoming each others counselor and confidant instead of seeking professional help

• Substance use: a toxic friend might encourage you to use substances with them. Ultimately, the decision is always yours but the continued presence and pressure of substance use can take you down a dangerous road. 

I’ve written about Manic Love, falling into obsessive love in Mania,  but there is also the concept of  Manic Friendship, developing friendship bonds with other people with mental illness and substance use disorder. This quite possibly is one of the most toxic friendships that a Bipolar person can engage in. When you are experiencing symptoms of Bipolar disorder like hypo-mania, impulsivity, disorganized thinking and for me substance use entering into a new friendship with someone who has similar and unchecked symptoms is extremely dangerous to your mental health and future stability. 

Once, I reconnected with a woman who had serious substance use issues and unmanaged mental illness. I was dealing with losing my job due to the pandemic, the end of a toxic relationship with someone I met online and extreme isolationism and depression. When this new person entered into my already unstable world it turned into pure chaos. It began with trauma bonding over the death of her mother and led to almost daily use of cocaine which at the time was not my drug or choice but quickly became the substance we shared during long nights of commiseration and conversations filled with manic dreams for our future.

This on-going toxic friendship only served to exacerbate my emerging Bipolar Mania and diminish my already low self-worth. The friendship always felt one-sided with me supporting her emotionally through whatever imagined drama she usually created for herself, I was left feeling used and emotionally drained. Besides her substance use she participated in other risky behaviors like precarious sexual relationships, excessive spending sprees and self-harming activities all of which she looked to me for support and encouragement. Because of my need to please her and to maintain the friendship I couldn’t see how much of my own identity I had lost or how fast I was falling into manic-psychosis.

 I was no longer managing my mental health, I was no longer thriving or surviving, I was just lost. I blame myself for the state I was in not her though, we were two women with substance use issues and mental illness in a codependent cycle neither one of us knew how to end. For me the breaking point came after a full year of chaos when my mind finally broke and she wasn’t there. After everything that had gone on in this toxic friendship I expected someone who was unwell to save me from my unwellness and that was both unfair and unrealistic. 

If you are entangled in a toxic friendship here are some things to ask yourself:

• What’s my personal definition of a toxic friend? 
• How is this relationship adding value to my life?
• How does being around this person make me feel?
• How has this friendship changed me in good or bad ways?
• Who are the people who are still in my life affected by this friendship?
• Do I like myself when I’m with this person?

Make a pros and cons list around these questions and if the negatives outway the positives start taking the necessary steps to change your circumstance.

Final Thoughts

I realized during my journey of healing and recovery that the attachment I felt to this toxic friend was based on all the fears I mentioned earlier in this article. We were so similar in everything but we were never the same. I have always fought for my mental health and placed value in my wellness and recovery. I have goals and objectives for my future and spending time with her allowed me to forget and just take a break from my own reality. Having toxic people in your life is a choice not an inescapable circumstance. Sometimes communicating your needs, concerns and setting boundaries will insight change and detoxify your friendship but remember, even though everyone has the capacity to change, people do not always change at the same time or pace. I found it necessary because of the nature of my toxic friendship to do a Friend Detox: no calls, texts or social media contact. Essentially I no longer consider her a friend. 

I have made a lot of positive changes in my life since that time, I have made new and healthy friendships that speak to my vision and values for my future, I am proudly sober and in remission from symptoms of my Bipolar disorder. My primary goals are to continue to care for myself and my mental health. I have no room for toxic relationships that are a threat to my progress and peace. I affirm myself with daily positive acts of self-care, self-compassion and self-love forgiving myself for choices I made when I was in a hopeless place. If I feel like I’m engaging in a toxic friendship I seek the advice of the healthy friends in my support circle who remind me of my worth even when I forget. Like I said, if you are toxic you are not on my team.

Understanding Bipolar Disorder in Women

Bipolar disorder is a complex mental health condition characterized by extreme mood swings, including emotional highs (Mania or Hypomania) and lows (Depression). As a woman, I have experienced the unique symptoms and manifestations of Bipolar disorder, which can complicate diagnosis and treatment. Statistics show that while Bipolar disorder affects both genders, we women are more likely to experience depressive episodes and rapid cycling between moods. Understanding these differences is essential for addressing the specific challenges we face.

Barriers to Accessing Mental Healthcare

Stigma and Misunderstanding

One of the most significant barriers we face is the stigma associated with mental health issues. Society often devalues individuals with mental illness, making us feel alienated and shameful for seeking help. I’ve encountered this firsthand. I once shared my struggles with my mental health, only to be told, “Oh Onika! Don’t be so dramatic. Just put on some lipstick, bake a cake, and you will be fine!” Such dismissive attitudes can deter women from pursuing the help we desperately need.

Financial Challenges

In an ideal world, all mental healthcare would be free; however, this is not the case. In Canada, while our government subsidizes mental healthcare services, we often face long waitlists for psychiatrists and overcrowded emergency rooms. For those of us without insurance, the financial burden of private therapy can add another layer of difficulty. I’ve learned that being patient yet persistent in seeking free or low-cost resources can make a significant difference in our journey toward mental wellness.

Cultural Factors

Growing up in a Guyanese household, I experienced pressure to endure my struggles without seeking professional help. When I finally sought help as a teenager, I found myself feeling alone in my journey, even with my mother’s support. Later, when I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, my mom tried to “pray the cray away” instead of helping me navigate the complex mental healthcare system. Cultural beliefs can create barriers that hinder our ability to advocate for our mental health needs, making it crucial to raise awareness and foster understanding within families and communities.

The Role of Support Systems

Building a strong support system is vital for women navigating mental healthcare. This support doesn’t always have to come from family; trusted friends or mentors can provide the guidance and understanding we need. I am fortunate to have a mental health mentor who has been my fiercest advocate, helping me navigate the healthcare system when I can’t advocate for myself. Having someone who understands our challenges can empower us, making us feel less isolated and more capable of pursuing the care we need.

Navigating Treatment Options

Accessing mental healthcare is just one part of our journey. It is essential to have a comprehensive treatment plan that includes therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes. Women with Bipolar disorder benefit from personalized treatment plans that consider our unique needs. Although I prefer face-to-face interactions, I recognize the growing importance of telehealth services in reducing wait times and increasing accessibility to care.

Strategies for Improving Access to Care

Advocacy is crucial for improving mental healthcare access. We need to work together to push for policy changes that enhance mental health resources and services. Community-based programs that address our specific needs can play a vital role in creating supportive environments. Additionally, providing resources to help us navigate the healthcare system effectively is essential in promoting better access to care.

Final Thoughts

Access to mental healthcare for women with Bipolar disorder is fraught with challenges that can significantly impact our well-being. By understanding these barriers and advocating for better resources and support, we can improve the mental health landscape for ourselves and others. It’s time to start having conversations that take us beyond the stigma so we can enhance access to care, and empower those affected by Bipolar disorder. The road we must walk is full of barriers to change but if we come together as a community of like-minded supporters of mental health advocacy change will surely come. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for support—remember you are not alone on this journey to mental wellness.

Coming Soon

I have also decided to share with you the lessons that inspired me to be fearless and relentless in my pursuit of happiness and success. I will be posting the life lessons that have shaped and influenced my personal growth and development. A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection: 42 Years of Lessons series begins on December 30, 2024, my 42nd Birthday. It is my hope that these lessons will touch your lives and inspire positive change on your journey to wellness.  

It is well past midnight and right outside the bolted window all I can see is darkness. The lights from buildings and the flicker of headlights visible only through the rod iron mesh meant to keep me in, keep me safe from myself. The mesh makes the outside world look as if it is caught in a fisherman’s net, trapped, unable to escape. The truth is that I am the one trapped and unable to move. Still, I think of escaping into the darkness beyond my barricaded window.

Even in the darkness I can sense new life forming. Trees pushing through the black earth, rising above the green grass until their branches bloom and breathe. Even the branches know there is nowhere to go but up toward the sky, toward freedom. At this moment I envy those trees. I envy their path to the heaven of the sky. I envy the seeds they sow, that bloom into beautiful buds that grow fearlessly. I envy their right to exist when all my rights have been taken away, when my feet are strapped to a metal bed frame making freedom impossible.

I look to my left to see soundproof, bullet proof, unbreakable glass. Still, I hear the cries for help and the violent rattle of chains, and I am reminded— Although the sun is starting to rise over my right shoulder, insanity waits for me over my left. As night turns to day and the sky goes from black to morning’s indigo I remember I am not outside these four walls where freedom lives and my right to exist is unquestioned. Instead, I am in a dimly lit, locked room, strapped to a bed, on a 72-hour hold in the Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit of the hospital’s tenth floor.

Final Thought

The loss of my freedom is my biggest fear. While hospitalized I spend a majority of my stay strapped to hospital beds, shackled by my arms, chest and legs, unable to move, panicking and unable to catch my breath. There is no pretty picture I can paint of this barbaric experience. Whether it occurs because my sharp tongue has offended the staff or as an arbitrary solution to a non-existent problem it's wrong and inhuman and I have the right to feel fear. This is a fear that is born of past trauma that has gone unexamined by the individuals that wield the power to restrain me. I can’t find neutral words, or hope in a system that uses these tactics to subdue patients. There is no kindness in this process, there is no empathy, just cruelty and It is one of my greatest objectives to abolish this practice in Ontario hospitals. I feel fear recalling and reflecting on my experiences with restraints but I also feel a sense of determination and obligation to my fellow men and women who still have to endure this savage practice. 

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 

Coming Soon

Everything feels so bright and blinding and all the pretty colours distracting you from everything else that’s going on around you. The kaleidoscope stops you from seeing what’s actually happening to you, because of you. You are trapped inside yourself and the voice of reason that’s supposed to warn you that things are not as they seem is drowned out by all the pretty colours. But if you just reach out in front of you, you will realize what you are seeing isn’t real, what you are feeling isn’t real, what you are experiencing isn’t real, you are trapped by your own thoughts.

Nobody ever tells you that when you lose your mind you are fearless, weightless, floating with no idea where you are going to land and because you feel no fear you, feel no worry and when you fall, crashing down from that high nobody ever tells you what happens when you land, no one tells you about the wreckage below when you finally stop floating aimlessly and weightlessly in a world only you can see. When your feet touch the ground and clarity hits you, your fear returns and the harsh reality of all that has transpired must be faced.

Nobody ever tells you the hardest part about losing your mind isn’t the losing, it’s the comeback afterwards. Many people are not fortunate enough to attain a second chance. Their minds are too far gone to comprehend a world without the lens of a kaleidoscope. I am fortunate however to have lived in a world of second chance, more chances than I care to remember that I squandered. I have lost my mind many times over the years, each episode more damaging than the last but I have always managed to come back from the edge of insanity though I am still not sure why or how I’m still standing.

Final Thought

Bipolar 1 disorder can be a terrifying, dangerous and destructive illness. It’s not in experiencing Mania that I have experienced fear, rather as I said in my entry from earlier on in my journey it's the kaleidoscopic chaos that occurs when you are in a delusional state. In my wellness I have learned that I like to maintain a certain level of control over every aspect of my life. I have created structure, routine and habits to mitigate manic behaviours. The problem is no matter what systems I put in place, manic chaos lurks in the wings waiting to destroy all the hard work I have done to maintain my sanity. Therein lies the fear of Mania. When I’m experiencing an episode I am completely unaware of the destruction I’m causing to myself, my finances, my home, my career, my family and my friendships. What I have always labelled the comeback after the comedown is a period in my life where I have to face the damage I’ve done that often I don’t remember. I can say I’m sorry, I can express regret but in reality I don’t remember what I’m sorry for and what I regret. What I can say is that I continue to do what needs to be done to manage my mental health, I choose not to let fear of Mania dictate my future, I have faith and hope and an unwavering belief in myself and those that love and understand my illness that when another episode occurs we will be equipped to handle it together, no collateral damage necessary.  

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 

Coming Soon